...$10,000 a year or you only spent time with her 2 evenings a month or you weighed 350 lbs. and you refused to try to improve the situation...
This would be the wrong approach but I still might use it as an example of the frustration I feel. Last night, she admitted again that she feels like a big disappointment to me. I said, "I've never told you you were a disappointment to me...but if that's how you feel, then what are you doing about it?" She answered " *this*...I'm trying do everything you want me to do...to meet your needs". That's the part of the convo where I came very close to telling her that she can increase her libido on her own. I told her a story of two employees...1 convinces himself that he loves his work and learns to find joy in various aspects of it while the other does exactly what is required to avoid getting fired. Which one is ultimately happier? Which one does a better job? Which one will avert a layoff? It's a little bit existentialist and a shame that she would have to mind-f herself into loving sex with me, but hey...whatever it takes. My point to her was that she has choices about how she lives. I really avoided the "if you really want to change, then you will....." type of convo. That's what causes nice convos to turn into fights. Along with not solving her probs, and speaking from the position of "me", I've also learned to never associate someone else's feelings with their behavior. Let me repeat this.....
Dave's Formula for Peaceful yet Powerful Conversations...
1. Never ever analyze and try to provide the other person with insight into themselves.
2. Never, ever, ever try to solve the other person's problem unless the solemnly ask for your advice.
3. Always speak from your own boat..."I really want..." or "I really like it when you".
4. Never say "we","us", "the relationship", or "together" ex. "We need to work together on the relationship" - WRONG. "I want you to ML to me every few days...it will improve the way I feel about things". - RIGHT
5. Never associate a behavior with someone's feelings except your own. ex. "You cleaned the toilet with my toothbrush...you must hate me"- WRONG. "You cleaned the toilet with my toothbrush...that really pisses me off." - RIGHT
6. Never validate your points with an external reference. ie. Don't say "according to blah blah, we should be having sex 2.5 week" or "Bob and his W do it every sun". If they want to invalidate your feelings, then that's another issue...just ask "so you think there's something wrong with me? that I shouldn't feel this way?".
Sorry....where were we?
Mojo, The long winded description of the average woman is completely inconsequential to my situation. My sex life does suck but the "average" is meaningless. Heck I could say, "my W has sex with me every day but she refuses to whip me with the flogger...my sex life sucks."
When we talked about frequency, she implied that I never gave her a choice about the frequency (baaaap). I had to explain again that I have never forced her to do anything...I've only spoken of my "wants and feelings" and that she is free to tell me hers. I told her she doesn't have to do anything that she doesn't want to. Same 'ol story.
I'm worried that she claims to feel like a "failure". I'm not certain if this is to manipulate me or if it's real. What can I do about that? Maybe I could say "the day I think you are a failure is the day I sign the D papers". Who knows.
Folks, I've been talking down from the alter lately but I must say that it's still harder than crap to work through this. Sure, I've made progress with frequency and lots of progress with myself, but it's plateau-d. Just because the sex improves doesn't mean the R will. I'm having major separation fantasies...not so much for finding other women, but for my own peace of mind.
I once jokingly told my W that I would let her know when I decide to have an affair and that it won't be a surprise. I really feel compelled to actually say it sometime..."hey, I think I'm going to go out and try to get some sex tonight...I'll be at xxxx bar". Let her decide if she wants to meet me there.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
