Slow and Steady

[NotATLDave]

Last night, at the end of our show, she said "I know that it's one day early but I can guarantee that I will be too tired tomorrow, so I just wanted to say that I would be willing to ML tonight if you need your (sarc) feeling of 'connection' ". It was pretty annoying to have her phrase it that way. But I didn't reject the offer. I know that my feelings for improve when we ML and even though I wasn't in the mood, I thought I should give it a try.

So she gets herself ready and I come into the bedroom. She's wearing a frumpy nightgown and I don't think I've ever been less attracted to her. (oh man, I'm going to get flamed for this I bet). So I decided that it would be a good time to ask her to try to "seduce" me a little. Her response..."at least I offered...isn't that good enough". So it turned into a 2 hour convo followed by a really good LM session.

This was probably one of the most significant convos I've had with her in terms of crucibles, self-disclosure, etc. I can't even begin to transcribe it. I very proud of my ability to keep it "me focused" and calm.

I asked if she thinks our sex life will improve and she said she didn't know. I defined what "improved" meant but still no response. I asked what she needed to be able to get herself there. She said "nothing". I verified it by asking "so I'm dong everything right?...I don't need to change a thing?". She said "yes". While she was probably lying, it only makes her have to deal with the fact that she can't "open" up and be candid.

At one point, she said that it's really sad that I need sex to feel connected to her and asked me if this is really how I felt. I said "yes..but I also like spending time with you away from the TV and talking...even this convo is giving me a boost".

Anyway, it's too hard to explain this. Last night I was feeling weird. I wanted the "feelings" but I didn't "desire" her. ML would boost my "desire" for her but I had to get in the mood, which I wasn't. I was ambivalent about wanting the EC, but logically knew that I needed it because the alternative is ED which I didn't want. I see the purpose of "natural horniness" now...it's a backup battery. The convo provided enough quality time to get me going to a point that we could ML. A seductive initiation would have been all it took to get me going. I should have just stuck to that point and gone to sleep.

I might be posting some thoughts later.