I’ve been married for 12 years - most of them happy. We have 2 young children together. Last year my wifes behavior started to change and in hind sight I now know why. She started having an affair during bussiness travel with a successful coworker, 20 years older than her and who lives 3,000 miles away. Last summer, I asked her if she was being faithful, she swore on the kids lives that she was. Last fall after several unsuccessful attempts to get closer to her, I asked her if she would go with me for marriage counseling. At first I went alone, then she started going but after a few sessions of her drawing blanks and being just plain uncooperative, the counselor said that she could not help us if she wouldn’t participate in the sessions. I read and tried several techniques discussed in Divorce busting. Well that all changed on March 30 when I found evidence of the affair that I thoroughly believed was not even a possibility. Well I flipped out, I was so devastated that I wound up in the hospital for 2 days. Now, she has moved out, we are working on a separation agreement and we both have joint custody of the children. Within 3 weeks, she asked me to watch the kids for 2 weeks in June so she could be with the OM. She talks to him every day on the phone and via email - As if it can’t get any worse. Each day I wonder what she could do next that would rip up whats left of me. I’ve read posts in in the 180 forum for months, but until you live it, you never really appreciate the pain and suffering. My question is, how do you learn to really let go? I can’t get this out of my mind and can't seem to be unaffected by her behavior. I’ve been consumed with everything from reconciliation (she doesn’t want that - its over!) to revenge and anger. I’ve even tried to forgive us both for being human. None of this works. Our legal negotiations continue to degrade (she now wants my retirement and is angry at how much custody I’ve asked for with the children). I just want to be indifferent towards her until this settles out, but I can’t seem to get there. I want to let go but all attempts have failed. I can’t seem to escape this for more than 4 hours of sleep at night. Help!
Hi jfb, welcome to the board and I am so sorry for all that you've been going through. I remember too well the sleepless nights and finally having to go see a dr. for some help. I know you said that you were in the hospital for a couple of days--were you able to get any sleep medication or anything for depression? The sleep deprivation mode certainly doesn't make it easy to do anything and it wasn't until I started to get some rest that I was able to calmly think and decide what I needed and wanted to do next.
You have been through a lot and it might help you to read through the other threads under this topic and Last Resort. Many of the people on this board are unfortunately wrestling with the issue of infidelity. If nothing else right now, you need to really treat yourself well. Spoil yourself and do things that will bring you joy. I know others will have plenty to add to my suggestions. Take care and come back to this board. Jamie
Above and beyong Jamie's good advice, my only other thought is that what you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. It's sucks, but I'd worry about you if you weren't feeling that way. It will get better, no matter what happens. Visit here often. Michele
Jamie - thanks for replying so quickly. Yes, I was given a small prescription for sleeping pills, but those are long gone. I may be in denial, but I don't want to seek help for depression as I'm not feeling depressed as much as angry, fear, and rejection. I am not feeling lethargic - if anything I am filled with too much adreneline. I am so torn up for the kids also. I came from a broken family and the last thing I ever wanted was for them to be scarred and bounced around like I was as a child. My soon 2bx doesn't follow this concept - she only knows she is in love and I should have made my revelations (like applying DB techniques) 6 months earlier. The amount of anger she has focused toward me is what is most confusing. Even when I was most devastated after confronting her with evidence of her affair, her response was pure anger at me. I expected remorse and someone begging for forgiveness and that wasn't even close.
Michele - Its an honor to have the author of all those books I've read reply in a day. I heard so often that the normal advice is not to jump into another relationship quickly (which I have no urge to do anyway). I'm confused as to whether I should be applying a 180 technique (be unavailable, date ...etc) for my own benefit. I can't even make up my mind as to whether I should try to salvage this as it appears so damn hopeless. Maybe I'm being impatient, but I'm at a loss of what things I could be doing that would get my self esteem back and take my mind off of this.
We've all asked the same question--what should I be doing. I'd suggest taking care of yourself by implementing the last resort technique and then start doing 180s. I had a very hard time in the beginning because I didn't know how to start or where to start. But pick one of your classific behaviors with your wife and just do the opposite. Or if you always respond the same way to an event or discussion, do the opposite. Watch for her reaction. Notice if it's different. Getting started in much harder then keeping the momentum going. Once you notice her reaction is different then you'll probably feel movitated. Maybe you can start by taking the kids out to give her some free time. Tell her that's what you want to do (but only if it's something you normally don't do) and then spend time doing something different with the kids. They love it. Your wife may notice, too.
Take plenty of time and read all of our posts. Go back more than 20 days if you have the time. Realizing that you are not alone and what you are feeling is oh so normal. No less painful, but to be expected. Also, the wonderful people here, who lived it and are living it, will provide invaluable insight--usually in a a very short time. And, you know, when we are going through a crisis, we NEED SUPPORT.
Regarding the impatience--this is the thing that drove me into the two different lawyers office. Please, please don't be impatient. When you feel the urge, distract yourself. Also, you know from reading Michele's books, don't talk about the future, no questions about the future and give her plenty of free time. When she sees you, let her see the wonderful, confident husband/man/father that you are.
