Red Hot Morphing Momma--STILL seeking/questioning

[debcb]

thanks Pam....yeah, I think I'll take a warm bath when I get home, and just crawl in bed and read a little....I otta go over to midlife crisis and do a time line I guess, and see if I can get a clue about this....it's interesting, H told me about vacation time that the A had started "a year ago last week or the week before"....as I've been going over the checkbook for the last week, I'd bet the farm that I can pretty much peg it on the nose....it started the 2nd week of May 'O3. I wonder though, in hindsight, if the EA didnt start in November of 02....that's the month OW came to work here in the office next to his. and H became such a hateful, nasty grumpy person almost overnight it seems. I remember it so distinctly. We went to a football game a D's college that month--big intrastate rivalry--extended family went to the game as all, and I remember my brother asking "What's wrong w/(H)...PMS?" he was just an unreasonable bear, set off by things you had no idea about...so I wonder....

Just curious, are EA's better or worse that PA's? seems to me they'd be about the same....

[debcb]

oh, I love the flylady stuff...I used to check her out a lot, havent been there for a long time....guess I should go for inspiration.....

[psluke]

Flylady is very inspiring.

I would think an EA or a PA would be about the same. PA might be a bit worse in a way. At least I think it would have been a bit worse for me to deal with a PA if we had got back together.

[debcb]

I am not afraid, but I am certainly anxious (there is a difference!)things are just so strange it throws me off beat. I got home about 9 last night, house was completely quiet....S was upstairs in his "new" room, do weird 11-y-o-guy type puttering, no sign of H....S came down to say Hi, I asked where his dad was, he said in basement, had been there most of the evening...usually H works out but you haar music, equipment etc...nothing last nigh...I just went up to check out S's room...later H come up and we talked a little...nothing significant...H said he didn't even do his tradmill walk...this is unheard of !!!!!

when we went to bed, I was very tired, but snuggled up to H, who was complaining of being tired also...I told him my tiredness was fighting a battle with my naughtiness, and H asked which was winning, told him I was sure but I thought naughtiness could get the upper hand with just a little coaxing....so he coaxed...and . I'm not sure who you could say intiated that one....

I was out like a light all night....H woke me up at 7 this morning, and I would have slept longer if he hadnt...H said he didn't sleep well, had been up several times in the night, blames it on his back, but I don't see how he'd be ML if his back is that bad?
H said I was talking in my sleep this morning...I asked him what I said, he said words he couldnt understand and "I don't like that".... I have no clue what I could have been talking about, don't even remember any dreams, but that's scary to be talking in one's sleep in a sitch like this. H looks tired and beat today.....

Now the other ingredients of this weirdness....H was out doing chores (that is nice of him to do mornings I have to work and he doesnt, and I tell him so often) so I looked at his briefcase...envelope was still there, so I checked it out. the back is now completely full of notes...I actually wrote them down on my own note pad.
Here are the things jotted down, I think in exact order of their appearance:
(after 1st 2 I mentioned yesterday: compassion key; life partner must exhibit reciprocity)
--church --example
--yaholom-see through others eyes
--life partner must show compassion
--present not meeting my needs
--exchange .50/$1.00, reciprocity
(I understand this, the money relates to a marketing presentation we had at staff meeting, that you wouldnt be likely to keep entering into an exchange that cost you $1 and you got 50cents in return, and I think he's quoting that as an example of reciprocity...
then his notes say"
To improve, do more of the following-discuss not silent treatment, reciprocity-sex-quid proquo -- good intentions-regression
repair damage quickly, apologize, see your part,
forgiveness, letting past hurts go
compassion
(end of notes)

so what the heck does this mean? I am really being bugged by this....It sounds in the first part like he's saying things are what he needs, and saying it very clearly

Then, this stinks, it sounds like he's telling her what she needs to do to improve, including more sex that might explain why he's been so horny with me

I just somehow don't feel this is addressed to me, and I cant quite figure out where H is going with this.

Is this giving her an ultimatum? is this a way for him to have an out without feeling so guilty? is he hoping she will "shape up"????? who is she supposed to have compassion for, me, the poor left wife ?

In trying to assess the status of things between us, I would say he is friendly, but somewhat withdrawn, still easily gets "horny"...complains some about animals, etc,...somewhat irritable...but purposely puts on his wedding ring when I'm around any way...had it off last night as if he went to exercise, put it on before he went to bed. gives kisses and hugs but doesn seem to initate as much....

Help!!!what do you make of this? How do I proceed?

the regression comment above worries me, because I havent exercised as much lately (only about 3 times/week because of all this other crap) and H has talked about being afraid things will go back to the way they were....?????

I feel so lost....dont know which way to turn right now....

I will be leaving work in about an hour, and may not have much time to get back on this weekend...so any quick input would be a much appreciated blessing

Oh, H said he was so busy yesterday he didnt have time to email me my guess is he was emailing OW, and that he didnt' exercise last night because he was either writing, emailing, or on the phone with her.....

This past week he has done NONE of his long walks, which have been so sacred to him.....?????? I have no clue what to think....

[debcb]

one thing that hit home with me is the huge effect of "180's"....he's done so many this week that I am reeling and totally confused as to what is up.

[kml]

Maybe he was chatting with the OW on his long wealks, and now he doesn't want to?

You can't put anymore stock in alien writings than you can in alien words, but if I had to guess, I'd think the last half is more about what would be needed to improve the R with YOU So take whatever clues you can from that - start showing him your interest in satisfying him sexually (is that what the reciprocity thing is all about? Does he always have to do all the "work"? BTW - I liked your approach to him last night ). Get back to your workouts. Send HIM a flirtatious e-mail when he doesn't write. Come home every day with a smile on your face like you are having a GREAT day. And quit making ASSumptions.

Ellie

[nitaf]

I think this is a time to take care of Deb. I know it is so hard with all of these questions we have in our heads, but we must learn to let things go we can not control. What would you do if you found out the notes were for her? If you can not do anything constructive about it, why worry yourself. I know easier said than done!

I will view it as a plus. At least you know what he needs. Can you just provide it without knowing who the notes are for?

Nitaf

[debcb]

hmmmm, I don't know about the sex deal, he sure doesnt have to do all the work....in fact he more often has to call me off.... ; until recently was saying he "couldnt keep up"....????????????

[debcb]

thanks, nitaf

you hit the nail on the head here:

At least you know what he needs. Can you just provide it without knowing who the notes are for?

Frankly, these are the things I have been trying to do...and I believe even he would say I've done a good job of them....I guess that's why the huge questions are stuck in my mind, and I feel so confused.

One thing that just came to mind is that months ago, I told him that if there was something I could do to be a better spouse/partner for him, to improve our life together, that I was open to hearing it....I think this was probably in Feb. or March....he replied "you're doing fine" , about a month after that, I asked if he recalled me saying that, he said he did, and I told him I wanted him to know that the offer still stood, and he just nodded his head....going on the "if he's not deaf he heard you" theory, I havent said anything about it since, but maybe this is a start at saying what he needs....
I feel like I have been as compassionate as I can be....trying to understand how he feels about things, giving him "room" feel them, trying to meet the needs I'm aware of or can figure out, letting him know how very special he is to me....trying to be a "helpmate" while not becoming his mother....and I recognize things most be difficult for OW.....

[debcb]

Maybe he was chatting with the OW on his long wealks, and now he doesn't want to?

hmmmm, Ellie, I had considered that he was talking to her (even meeting her) on his long walks -- or running the 6 miles to her house)...I hadnt considered that maybe he doesnt want to now. Interesting. It is so weird for him to not be exercising. that is just totally out of character from the 26 years I've known him. that is a dead give away that somethings up!