My crazymaker girlfriend, relax your mind. Try not to let those wheels turn to fast. I am so guilty of it. I know how it makes me feel. I don't want anyone else feeling that way if I can prevent it!
last night when H got home he was really irritable, partly about work but I had this sense that there's something else under it....he's been that way off and on, mostly on, for a week...he even said once yesterday evening that he was sorry for being so irritable.... Well, H absolutely, I believe, did not sleep a wink all night...he was up and down constantly....so of course I was in and out of sleep...once I recall sort of "coming to" and H was over by his side of the dresser...that registered in my addled brain even then as odd, but I didn't think much of it...I asked him if he was ok, and he said yes, his back was bothering him, maybe he just needed to "stretch it"????? and left the room....I guess I drifted back to sleep, but I believe he was up and over by the dresser and out of the room at least 3 times in the night....I recall having the thought that he was calling OW, but was too tired and out of it to care much.... This morning, I walked by his side of the dresser to turn on the light when I got up (H was up and gone from bathroom, which is weird, he's usually there shaving when I get there....) and I noticed a junk mail envelope that came yesterday on the dresser...usually only significant items make it to his dresser, so I was nosey and picked it up to see what it was....it had a pen clipped to the back of it, and I turned it over to see what I could see, and the entire back of the business size envelope was filled with jotted "talking points"....weird... I didnt read it all carefully, didnt want H to catch me snooping, but I was the 1st few items:
#1 said "compassion is key"
#2 said "life partner must exhibit reciprocity"{ (sp?)
#3 said something about church....I don't know specifically what, decided I better not snoop further....but there were probably 5 or 6 other "points" on the envelope...
Now, H could be making notes for a counseling session, but I doubt it...he's been at this long enough he doesnt have to do that in the middle of the night as a rule, that wouldn't explain his agitation, and he often will discuss issues he's "mulling over" work-wise. Having been in and out of the room and by his dresser many times yesterday evening, I know that wasnt there then, and recall bringing the envelope in with the mail yesterday evening. So, this must be what he was so restless about in the night, and using his back as an excuse....So, I have no clue what's going on but I'm certain "something is up"....my guess is either I'm going to get a goodbye or OW is getting the rundown on why things are right w/her. I'd love to think she's about to get the heave ho, but I don't let myself go there anymore. It seems odd to me that H would be talking about all the things he wants to do around home, talking about setting up a guest room, taking a mini-vacation in October, not having things to look forward to being "part of the problem"...if he was going to give me the goodbye???? He talked to D on the phone last night and asked me to go reheat some food for him in the kitchen to get me out of the room....as an obediant and loving wife I did so with out question, but heard them discussing my birthday party for late sept.....
I mentioned yesterday that OW looked grumpy in staff meeting....I was thinking about it more yesterday, and she actually looked mean, cold, hateful and angry....I swear she sends cold shivers down my spine....I can't imagine what keeps H so drawn to her......things he's said make me think that her personality is pretty consistent with her appearance.
No email this morning from H...I'm leaving soon for a meeting so I'll just let it go....
this morning I put a short short note in his lunch (2 days in a row, he will be so spoiled!) that said "this was packed by someone who loves you very much and is praying that you have a good day. And who will be thinking of you with love today" rolled it up, taped it and put it in the bag....I don't know, maybe too much pursuit, but in a weird way, I do love the guy enough to feel sorry for him in his misery....
^^^^^^^^ another possibility could be that I'm going to get an ultimatum....that doesnt particularly scare me, perhaps oddly, but mostly because been there/done that.....
Yeah, you are absolutely right I need to keep my hot little hands off the rope and stop looking through the microscope... When I look at the big Picture, things look pretty good....I guess I just get so exasperated and frustrated with his antics....I remember someone, snodderly????talking about them starting to act like kids when they are coming out of replay. This morning I felt like that's just what H was....I asked him if he had a minute for a hug since he was so rushed and seemed so distant, rather than just going after him, and he said "yes I do", came and put his arms around me, put his cheek against mine and his chin on my shoulder and just stood there with his eyes closed for quite a while. I had this sense of comforting a child....ok, just weird....And it still seems hard to get my mind around the same guy who about 2 months ago got mad at me for "suckin all his air away" when I gave him a goodnight kiss, now is suddenly hot, horny and eager....go figure?????
Pamila, I have to say that I am in deep, deep trouble if all you're willing to bet is the money in my checking account!!!!!!
My fondest hope is that he's losing sleep and jotting on envelopes in the night trying to come up with how he's going to get rid of OW......but again, I don't dare let myself grab on to that rope....
I'm thinking maybe I need to rewrite some goals with a longer-range view of where I want things to get....I was reading part of SSM last night, and the goal setting stuff there really hit home, where it talks about what will it look like/what will you be doing when your M/R is what you want it to be....so with that in mind, here's my start:
--we will talk, chat, joke, laugh and share ideas on a daily basis, easily and naturally
--we will share a sense of camaderie and trust
--We will each do "little things" for the other as gestures of affection/appreciation/love
--We will ML frequently (2Xwk or more) and both enjoy it
--we will do "fun" things together as a couple on a regular and frequent basis (1Xwk or more)
--We will each express respect, admiration, love, and encouragement for the other daily
--We will exchange non-sexual physical expressions of affection every day..pats, hugs, handholding, etc.
OK, that's just a start for thinking points, but that's what it would look like....now I gotta think before I break each down into steps, but I can see that we HAVE made progress in many of these areas....
Last night S mentioned how his Dad never used to tease the dog, or me, and "never talked with me about anything fun" last summer when things were "hot and heavy" w/OW....I asked S, "and is that different now" and he said "oh, yeah, he does it all the time now"....so even the dog must sense some progress...
