I was wishing today that I could just call you up and "talk you down."
Think about where you are now. Think about where you were 3 or 4 months ago. You know that he hasn't cut all ties with her, that he still calls her, which in my book is pretty much an EA, right? So the ring barometer is telling you what you already know, that he isn't all the way where he wants/needs to be. If he is still carrying on the EA then that must mean that he hasn't told OW it is over for good, you know that but she doesn't. And wearing the ring in front of OW would mean that he would have to let OW know that is OVER.
Which for whatever reason he hasn't quite finished off the dirty deed.
I don't condone his slick behavior either but I am not sure what purpose confronting him will serve, other than to let him know what you think he already knows... that he isn't wearing it all the time and it makes you mad and scared right?
Aw come on, Honey....a what? a number of things come to mind....none of them very complimentary....some of the cleaner ones are idiot, moron, imbecile, jerk, chicken, gutless wonder, ummmmmmmmmm....ok better stop there....Actually I have smiled quite a bit today...guess that's good.
Good, Good Job, Pamila!!!!! I think that's just what I needed to hear....you are absolutely 125% correct....I wouldnt gain a darned thing and I can pretty much bet I'd wish later I hadnt done it.....
I just have trouble understanding why he doesnt call it off.....He's told me before he's afraid it will go back to like it was before...I just wonder WHAT and HOW LONG it will take for him to get it through his thick skull that it WONT....GRRRRRRR
I have to believe his feelings of guilt have a part in his not ending it also...
that is totally my H's deal too... that he is afraid that our R will go back to being what it was which was good most days, fair some days, but hardly great
and the whole thing was a huge huge issue for him
what make OW go away...maybe just time, but whatever it is, it is inside of our H's and not something we can do for them
My C has shared some Bible verses with me that have given me the strength to go on some days. I may copy them down and use them at the beginning of my new thread
Just a question, not based on anything I have read. But you sound like maybe you might be a crazymaker Of which I am one that I belive is starting to recover!
D does still like to joke with me about it.
But, how long have you had your changes in place with mostly no backslides? That is something Cal pointed out to me is I should write them down because she thought I backslide more often than I realized that I did.
Don't know if that is any help, but thought I would throw it out there for you this evening.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: I'm thinking he probably expects to get some type of repercussion over the ring when he gets home....so would ignoring it completely be good DBing? isn't one of the premises to do a 180 on what they expect you to do/you usually do?
hmmmmmm, now this is kind of a devious thought, but he knows I know, so by not saying a word, does that point out some things to him...I don't know, maybe:
HB has said that this type of response ... errrr, rather NO response may have a lot more "power" than confronting. She mentioned that her "not talking" about things that were very evident, scared her H more than anything. So...I'm thinking that your thoughts...as far as NOT saying anything about this just might work. YOU know your H best, of course!
If it was ME, I would definitely sabotage that lotion. For heavens sake ... what could he say? Do you know what happened to the lotion I had out in the garage??? Goodness no, he wouldn't dare! (At least mine wouldn't have!)
Again ... I have to laugh!! I caught a purchase that my H made at Cabela's (a year and a half ago) while on his way down to Ohio to the job he was working on. Guess what one of the things he purchased was?? Cherry body lotion!!! LOL! Of course, I didn't laugh... I confronted him . Do you know what he told me? That his hands were very dry and it was at the check out at the counter at Cabela's...so he just "picked it up". I then asked him if I could expect to see him returning home with it... he hemmed and hawed ... and finally made up ANOTHER excuse as to what he "did" with that lotion! Grrrrrrrrr!!!! Of course ... after reading YOUR thread, I can laugh NOW ...
Thanks Pam, I read the verses on your new thread just this morning, and I find them very inspirational and helpful. I'm going to copy them off....I've been carrying a little pocket size new testatment in my purse and try to spend a little time in it every day, and always find something helpful, but it's nice to have these at fingertips.....I'll post in a minute about last night, but I sure appreciate your "talking me down" yesterday. I have a feeling you helped me avoid a big mistake.
Oh, Pam, have you not seen the crown I was awarded as the "Queen of Crazymaking" ?
I know I am absolutely at the head of the class in that department!
Your question about changes in place with NO backslides was interesting....I was thinking a month, since my emotional eruption on vacation, then I decided in honest I'd have to say since last Saturday....I think it was kind of a back slide to say ANYTHING about him wearing his ring...even though all I said was that I liked it when he did.....hmmmm, so is that thought that backslides set things back more and add to his hesitancy to rid himself of OW? duh, yeah, that would be so, wouldnt it?
I think maybe I need to write down and print off S11's observation about this getting through this being like an ice cube tray in the freezer, that you can put it in and close the door and it will freeze, you can put it in and keep opening the door to check on it and it will still freeze but it will take longer because it has to almost start over each time....
AHA, TC, it was you! I remember reading about the cherry lotion from Cabelas on someone's thread but couldnt remember who's....
I'm glad you reminded me of HB's comments, although I didnt' read them till this morning....I hade read them before in going through your old threads...maybe they were ingrained in my subconcious because that is what I did....nothing....I'll post about it in a minute....
Ok, last night, I mulled things over and over and over....I decided not to say anything about the ring thing....H was so nervous, I figured he knew darn good and well what my take on the sitch was, AND he gets so angry and reactive to what he perceives as "hawkeyeing" him that it really sets us back....so I let it go, welcomed him home warmly, and spent time just "listening" to his work frustrations...
I havent sabotaged the lotion bottle YET, but I fully intend to ...somethings are just too much for me to resist!!!! But I have to say, I did notice the bottle HASN'T been moved from the way I positioned it...I would be able to tell because it is on a very dusty shelf, and the dust was undisturbed; there's so much dust it wouldn't be possible to move the bottle and not have it show....
I had a moment of panic last night though as I was pondering what it is that keeps H from getting rid of OW...I thinking about our screwed up finances, the thought entered my mind that I wondered if H would have co-signed on OW's mortgage for her house, and now she has that to hold over him??????Would that have shown up when we purchased his vehicle this past spring????? I've also wondered if she doesnt threaten him with "exposure" or even a sexual harrassment charge at work....I think I could help him with the last one, since I have a couple of letters she wrote......hmmmmmm....worrisome thoughts about HIS mess.....
thing was a huge huge issue for him
Of which I am one that I belive is starting to recover!