Quote: I've thought about laughing and saying something to the effect of I love you even if you don't wear your ring around....
Deb - I definitely wouldn't do this. It comes off as kind of...I'm not sure, insecure/manipulative, etc.? I have really come to believe that the best approach is the direct approach.
If it was * me *, I would say something like "H, I love that we've been ML a lot lately - it makes me feel closer to you. I do have one issue - and I don't expect a discussion, I just need to get this off my chest. It really bothers me that you don't wear your ring when you are out of the house. This isn't an accusation, but it makes me feel like you aren't completely committed to this relationship".
That might be a bit strong, but regardless, I'd be direct. Make it known that it isn't saying that he's having an affair still - you don't know for sure what is going on. Don't joke about it - him not wearing his ring isn't something to laugh at. But I'd also start out with appreciating stuff like ML, or whatever else he's done right.
If you confront him angrily, he'll be pissed. He still might be no matter what if he has anything to feel guilty over.
Hi again Pam, you are right about the BIG A contributing to the financial mess....directly and indirectly....I have combed through every check and financial statement since mid october, (bomb drop time) and I think pretty much figured out where the discrepencies came from.....for one thing, I've always been the one who "kept the books" (H is clueless) and after this hit, I couldnt think straight enough to do it for a long long time....I just kept the checkbook ledger and didnt reconcile it against the statements, so there were checks written that werent recorded or deducted, I made notes to go back and chek theme out, and never did it....now, both of us wrote some checks that were never deducted, I had maybe 3 in the $50.00 range....I found that many that H wrote in the 300.00 range, and several in the 40.00 range.....the checks H wrote were when he was on his big trip last fall w/OW, and around that time.....So yeah, there's that tangled and expensive mess in addition to the phone cards, cell bills, gas he's been buying her (did I post what I figured out about that?) plus extra I've spent on lingerie and toys and hair and ......yep, there's no such thing as a cheap affair.....and I remember one time I was so mad about it all and mentioned all she had stolen from us, and especially from S and D, and H looked puzzled and said "what has she stolen? duh...........O well, as TC posted from some stuff on her threads, you never confront or argue w/a MLC'er because they cant be reasoned with.
Hi dfb, yeah, I think your suggestions are pretty much right on track....I like how you worded your response...that is a great approach....If I decide to confront him/it, that is the approach I'll use... I'm wondering if this is another one of those "ignore it" times though, or if that's too much of a "head in the sand" approach?
Deb, This is just probably his natural inclination. I think there is a tendency for HD people to downplay how much they really want sex, so as not to bother their partner. Perhaps he is feeling that he can finally open up and show his true colors to you--you feel safe to him now in a way that it didn't, in the past.
This is a huge positive, I think! Continue to go with it; you are both reaping the benefits, I'd say.
Regarding the ring...ooh, what a turd. I'd say that man is one torn sucka. He's got two strong women and he's in the middle. No matter how unhappy he was to begin with, I can't imagine this is how he pictured he would end up!
I am a very direct person so I hesitate to give advice here..it will probably be wrong. But I like dfb's suggestion to calmly but assertively state your needs in the marriage. That he wear his ring. I would maybe leave the ML love part out of it..? I don't know. It may sound to him that the sex is part of a 'payment plan' or reward for wearing his ring--as opposed to something you genuinely want to share with him. Since this is his primary love language, I would continue to make him feel as if you are doing this because you want to (which I totally know you do--I can't believe he can't see that!) and not that it is contingent on any behavior of his.
I don't know how you do it; your patience and love and grace are to be commended!
It truly sounds like he is trying to think of a way to extricate himself from this situation--I know as an HD person, I have overwhelming desire for the person that I am in love with. So if he is horny for ya, I would take that as a good sign. However, it also sounds like he is trying to still do the right thing by OW (there is that pesky issue of his pride again!) and not flaunt his decision to stay in her face.
Deb, this is probably not the most appropriate question to ask you, since I believe it is in your best interest to not talk about the OW, but out of curiosity, how have you kept from saying anything to her, in light of the fact that you work with her and come into contact with her? Your self control is inspiring and we can all learn from you!
I'm wondering if this is another one of those "ignore it" times though, or if that's too much of a "head in the sand" approach?
Well, you aren't ignoring it regardless - you are talking about sabatoging his lotion. Heck, I'd be really upset - and you have a right to be pissed about it. If he was telling you the truth about his finger being swollen, he'd not be hiding his finger.
Quote: I would maybe leave the ML love part out of it..? I don't know.
I only mentioned it because it was a positive and I think if you are going to head into some negative stuff, you should start with something that is good. It could be anything, but the sex seems to be the most recent.
I agree on the self-control - I'd have wanted to beat the heck out of the OW! I don't know how you have kept from taking even just one good swing at her.
Since it looks like everyone gets to vote today here is my .02
I might let the thing about the ring go for a day or two. Sleep on it at least. Ask yourself the ?, is bringing it up with him going to get me any closer to my goal? Will bringing it to his attention that you know he isn't wearing it all the time make you feel better or just make him feel worse? If he starts wearing it all the time just because you want him to and not because he wants to will that make you feel better? Or are you simply trying to ascertain why he takes it on and off?
If he is wearing it at all, I take that to be a positive sign. When he first started wearing it again it was w/o you having to ask, right?
If he has enough conscience to try and hide the fact that he isn't wearing it, then he knows he is naughty.
But here again you have to decide what is right for you and what is impt.
I take the fact that he is hepped up about to be a huge plus. Maybe it makes him feel like he is being a good H in at least one realm.
I don't know how, either, but if that day ever comes, I'm placing my money on Red.
If nothing else, so there is no bodily contact (and no arrest!) - maybe a shaken up bottle of soda opened right as OW walks by... (or as she's sitting in her seat). Just say "ooops"' and walk away.
Heck, I'd be really upset - and you have a right to be pissed about it. If he was telling you the truth about his finger being swollen, he'd not be hiding his finger.
