Ok, guess I'll pour out my depraved rantings and questionings here...maybe some body can see things I've missed or something else for me to try....
I posted yesterday about how cheerful H was, and I didnt know which was more worrisome, his cheerfulness or his "down" side...I also didnt get much email from him the previous 2 days at work, which in the past has tended to mean "somethings up" w/OW and him.
H stopped by my office on his way home yesterday evening, and seemed rushed and preoccupied but "ok", said he had a bit of a headache. he asked when I would be home and I was evasive....Well, I got home last night about 1/2 hour early, and the cheerfulness had been replaced by weirdness/sadness that's still there this morning.
Usually when I get home on my "late nights" stereo in the basement is blaring and H is lifting weights...usually does quite a bit of this Thurs. nights between when he talks on phone w/OW and I get home. When I walked in the house was very quiet, just S watching TV on low volume...I went and told S "hi" and asked if his dad was lifting weights...S said no....I asked if he was on the phone (has been from time to time when I come home early) S said no, didn't think he had been all night...I went upstairs to change clothes, S followed behind me, probably lonely, poor kid.
Our bedroom has 2 doors, one that opens into the main hallway and one that opens into the 2nd floor bath...the door to the hallway was locked....I was puzzled, said to son in a whisper "where is your dad"...S pointed to door and said "I think in there"...so I went through the bathroom to go to our room...that door was closed but not locked, and saw the light in our room come on...H opened the door suddenly and almost knocked me over with it...I'm sure I looked as startled as I felt...said "oh hi"....then looked at H and "are you ok?" just burst out of me....his face was bright, dark red....I couldnt tell that his eyes looked like he had been crying, but his face was the color it gets when he is...he said he didnt feel very well and had been resting....I put my hand on the side of his face and it was hot, when I asked about a temp, he thought that side had been on the pillow....H hurried off and went to the basement and put in a couple miles on the treadmill....kind of like he couldnt handle seeing me or didnt want me to see him.
I sat at the dining room table to balance the checkbook (another issue right now) and H came up and sat on the stair landing, which he does sometimes. He looked incredibly sad, but the redness was gone from his face...H looked sad, not ill....as I sat there working on the checks, I had the feeling that H was considering saying something, but he didnt.....I guess I should have asked if he wanted to talk, but my mind was such a jumble, I didn't know what to say so I just said nothing.
S noticed and thought H looked very sad as well, as though he was about to cry. So, for part one of todays rantings, my mind is grappling with WTF is this all about now, (another OW breakup???) and I am thinking I am so damn sick and tired of dealing with all this crap....
Frankly in all the years I've known him, OW splits are the only thing I've ever seen bring out this kind of response in him. Of course I wonder if he's trying to think how to tell me he's leaving, but I don't think that's it....
this morning H still seemed sad, was worrying about getting a new battery for his trimmer....doesnt seem like he'd be concerned about the yard/his trimmer if he was leaving.
I noticed this morning that H left a water goblet that he drinks pop/beer out of on the phone table in our room yesterday evening. that's unusual for him to do, my bet is he had it there when he was talking on the phone and left it.
H doesnt seem "cold" to me emotionally, just kind of withdrawn. We talked this morning till I was almost late to work, and he held me "cheek to cheek" for a minute before I left, he was telling me he didnt think we needed much from the store but cat food....Is this how they act if they are leaving home?
