Last fall (back when I was mentally capable of remembering e-mail addresses and passwords and was writing under simply "JakeS"!), Corri gave some wonderful advice and comments from an LD spouse's perspective -- primarily about the habitual rejection and barbs were something to be anticipated and used consciously as a tool to problem-solve. It was pretty similar to what I gathered from SSM: no matter how "cool" an LD spouse is, there is likely to be a considerable part of fear behind that facade. I showed the thread to my spouse, who thought it interesting but did not reject it out of hand. (That figures as a "strikes a chord" for me.) She read SSM and made a commitment to work on our sex life.
There was some improvement in terms of frequency, and lots of periods without, and I'm not going to bore y'all with repetitive psychodrama. I love my spouse, she's generally a smart cookie, and she is extraordinarily uncomfortable with discussing feelings in a vague manner, especially in contrast to my being forthcoming. "I don't like being prodded and poked" (verbally) is her description, and that's fair enough. And she is the one who has to decide to think about her feelings, etc.
So why come back to this BB, especially after having to acknowledge that I lost my password and couldn't remember the e-mail address I used last time? (Mailinator.com is a wonderful site, unless you forget things!) My LD W is a teacher, and as she goes back to work July 28 (yep, that early), I wanted to think aloud about how to convince her to set priorities, and to include ML and spending time together in general as a pretty high priority.
What I'm doing better on: being positive when we spend time together in bed, especially if she couldn't get aroused; responding to my frustration by thinking about a few very specific passages from SSM (some talking about the LD perspective as a caution to the HD partners); listening and observing my spouse more carefully before I open my trap with filler questions that I've made trite. ("What are you thinking?" at an awkward moment, for example. She's crying, Jake; she's probably not imagining herself winning the Tour de France.)
I suspect that she's still very frustrated and that she's fearful that she'll say something destructive if she tells me what she's feeling. (She's explained that in the past.) Part of this is certainly a combination of stress, physically needing some lubrication, and feeling squeamish about that. (When I've snuck some lube into foreplay, things have generally worked much better. I've told her that I need it and let her assume it's for my physical comfort.) Part of it is our collective history.
But she's got to figure some of that out by herself. And, given the timing, she needs to figure out how to balance all that with the stress from the upcoming school year. I'm willing to help out with virtually anything that's required, but ... you know the drill. She has to tell me.
So here's the gist of the request for jokes in the subject line: My W has (reluctantly) agreed to ML this weekend. Last time we tried, a few days ago, she couldn't get aroused. Tonight is the second time she's begged off anything with exhaustion and just not feeling well, and agreed to set a date when I asked explicitly.
Now, I know what to do/say if it works great. And I know one of the things I need to do if she's just not getting anything out of it. But if she refuses point-blank, or if she has a lousy experience, I need to set the stage for a conversation (not then, of course!). And one thing I haven't tried is humor. Reading one of AtlDave's ideas ("Well, then you're going to have to jump me tomorrow to make up for making me wait!") made me chuckle. So I ask the collective off-beat wisdom of the BB members to come up with some gentle jokes that move a conversation. My wife is witty (but doesn't pun-ish her listeners), so gross/off-color humor is out for her. Self-deprecating humor (from my perspective) would definitely welcome, and it would have two *possible* goals:
- to reassure her (in case she doesn't get aroused) that she can be, under just the right circumstances - to point out the need to discuss the physical requirements of sex and comfort explicitly - to suggest that scheduling LM is a productive thing (and better than letting a sex life dissipate) - to remind her that we've made a joint commitment to working on our sex life - to point out that solutions might be forthcoming if she devotes some conscious effort to thinking about our sex life and telling me explicitly what would help
Let me give a few lame examples of what *would* fit (though I want better ideas!!):
"Honey, you know I'll do almost anything so you can get aroused and enjoy lovemaking. I have to admit, though, that I have to rule out two ideas. No live elephants, and I refuse to show that videotape of Bill Clinton's 1997 State of the Union address."
"Oh, yes. And, please, no sandpaper."
"We really need to talk about making love both in and out of bed. I know I've forgotten, but my Palm has been reminding me of it for the last six months."
All suggestions very much appreciated.
JakeS, version 1.9 (still lots of bugfixes to come)
