Okay I decided to start Again. Below is a link to my first thread on here. I'm not sure if I did it right.. but I gave it a try. Moving Forward
M 25 H 26 Married 6 years, together 12. Two boys 2 and 4
We are putting it back together and I decided "Keeping it Simple" was an appropriate title. This weekend I go away for my "ME weekend" I'm very happy about this. H and I have started a ritual together. Every morning we are getting up at 6, and hour and a half before he has to leave for work and usually before the little ones wake up. We get up and shower together and then we have coffee and snuggle on the couch and the past few days watch news together. It is helping us to feel connected. During this time I do not bring up any issues. I do not initiate any R talk. This time is just for connecting without having to force it. It's not that hard because most of my R talks tend to want to come out at night. "keeping it simple" is not easy. I am a complicated attention seeking gal.. but I have had to accept that the world does not revolve around me... quite an eye opener since I joined here. Journaling here helps me to maintain the "keeping it simple" and I also purchased a journal to write in when I am away from the computer. Hoping for a weekend full of calmness and reflecting. DB'ing has helped my marriage A LOT. My hubby seems more interested in me, and although he is still going through his "I dont know" phases i know that all I can do is continue along this path and "keep it simple"
Thanks for all the support.. and i look forward to more growth through continued conversations on here!!
What a marvelous post! This is such incredible progress, and I'm anxious to hear how you fare on your solo trip and the type of reception you receive upon your return.
All I can say is that you sure are a quick study. I'm pulling for you!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
The weekend was a success! Reflective time was overwhelming and incredible all at the same time. My eyes were opened! I missed my family, I decided that it wasnt worth all the complaining and the whining anymore. All the time I waste nagging and pushing him away could be better spent enjoying his time! As I sat up at the camp enjoying my alone time, I thought of my friends mother who is now without her husband due to a sudden death. I told myself how petty I have been. I have the ability to enjoy the man in my home, yet all I can do is try to be "right" That does not seem to be working for me! I have a full time job at home that requires my full attention! My full effort, and just because it isnt always fun, just because its hard sometimes does not give me the right to say "nah, I am not going to work on it today, I am not going to clean the house, or play with the kids" That is NOT acceptable. I am bigger than that... My trying to control the situation... protect myself from getting hurt in the future.. does not make things easier. I need to know that I have done all I can for my family, and if releasing control ends up hurting me in the end.. then atleast i will still know that I did what I could. I know I am going on and on here... but this weekend has just opened up so many doors. Before I went, i wrote out my goals without thinking I would actually achieve them. I am stronger now, I know that I will achieve them. I am even going to learn French!! Something that I have always wanted to do , but didnt think I could really do it. Something that came up while I was away was Wedding vows... I think that some people should change the vows too "I promise to love you and stay with you for as long as I am having fun! Once it gets hard I will have to Leave you!" Doesnt sound that good too me, but there have been times where I have completely forgotten the things I have promised... and there are way too many people going into marriages thinking that there is always a way out!! I am not going to just give up! I'm going to FIGHT!!
Okay stepping off my stool now... Hugs Hugs Hugs!!!!
I think I'm going to have to give you the crown equivalent of Triple J's title: Mrs. Positivity. This attitude is going to really help you heal, and I'm so proud of you for choosing to see life through this set of glasses.
I foresee good things ahead!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thank you Thank you Thank you Betsey for helping me along this path, and being so supportive. I have slacked off on journaling here, but have continued to reflect and journal here at home!
I had a break through therapy session yesterday. cried for most of the hour, which my therapist calls a "good" session I relived my childhood and my need to control things, and over this last week have learned that the reason i enjoy chaos so much is because it allows me to escape what is inside of me... I am my worst enemy right now...
So new goal.. I NEED TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH MYSELF!!!! I thought this to be the strangest thing when my therapist said it to me.. I was like, friends with myself??? but I dont like myself... so I guess that would be a good place to start... So I thought on this some more today.. How do you make friends? Well, you listen to them, and you offer advice, your supportive and you do nice things for them.. So first things first... Listen to them.. time to listen to myself.. really listen to what my body is trying to tell me. My body is telling me that it is tired and emotionally drained. Its afraid of letting go of control and doesnt want things to go wrong. It is afraid of conquering different tasks in fear that it will fail... If this were my friend.. I would say "Friend, You are strong and you have control to do this... By letting go of control you are still taking a stand of some sort of control... you are making a choice, and it is a good one. I would say Start taking care of yourself friend, sleep more, take vitamins, work out, and do nice things for yourself.. take warm baths, read a good book, run around at the park with your kids, listen to good music, and keep a smile on your face!! Emotionally I know your drained, and you should be, allow yourself to be that way and let it go... Tell yourself I am tired and I deserve the right to smile and just REST!! REST and let things fall where they may.
just REST!!
This is the advice I would give a friend.. so why not myself!!! This month will be devoted to making a new friend with myself... and allowing myself to just REST!!
I think you have an amazing start on this journey to a new and positive you. What remarkable growth you've managed to force in such a short period of time.
Control. Ah, an issue I know intimately and all too well. My surrogate mom and I were discussing this need to control our environments just a short while ago. And we both arrived at the same independent conclusion.
Typically those of us who desire to control others and events and everything else are living fearful lives. What might happen if we didn't control things or others? My illusion of control was shattered the moment my H walked out of our door almost 2 years ago. I realized that it was going to elude me until I figured why in the heck I was so terrified of giving it up.
My surrogate mom was afraid of finding out who she really was. She was afraid that she would discover she was the unhappy and miserable woman her mother told her she was. Guess what? She found out the truth was the total opposite!
I figured out that my entire life was built on a foundation of chaos. My family seemed to operate in a constant crisis mode. I used to think we were all drama queens. I see now that we had a lot of Murphy in our lives... but that we tended to create trouble when there was none. I doubt that as a family unit, we could have survived a week of peace.
Controlling was my method of dealing with this way of life. I believed that I had to be the boss of everything that happened to me or around me. It was tiring when I figured out what was wrong with me. Hey, it's a tough job to go find camps of people and elect myself their chief!
So my question to you is this: What purpose did your control issues serve? Are they still valid? If so, what are the other options?
Sorry for the questions--I'm famous for asking them. Just ask my family! I used to get in trouble for asking why... however, as much as people hate me asking them, the answers are usually something we need to explore, no matter how long that might take.
Have a terrific weekend and keep up the great attitude!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 
