First, I did get a new job as a loan officer for a mortgage banker. I worked at one place for 2 months where the owners were psycho, looked and got a new job. I've been at the new place for about 5 weeks and I love it!
Re: H Times have been rough, but now they are great. Last month Tom and I got into a fight. Then he needed "space" to think things over for about 3 weeks. I tried to make up a couple times, but he didn't want to. He said that he was done w/the M. So, I AAI I was OK with it.
Then 5 days later he wanted to talk. In the morning he wanted to talk about living arrangements. I said that I have no money and no place to go and that we decided on my career change together. He said that he understood and that we would both stay here for the time being. I AAI I was in total agreement.
Later that evening, he waited up for me b/c I went out. He said he was really bothered by my "casual indifference." I said "I am really bothered by the sit, but I can't make you see the value in me or the R, and if you don't want to work on it, it's not going to work." Then he said that he does see value in me that he's just afraid of getting hurt. Then he said "not that it matters but...what would you/we do to work on this?" We talked, he ended up crying saying how terrified he'd been for the past few days and that he loved me!
Since then (last Tuesday) things have been AWESOME!!! He is REALLY putting in a lot of effort AND he's been really H around me all the time! He says it's because I'm not "freaking out on him." I have pretty much mastered the even if I'm in a bad or sullen mood to AAI and to smile A LOT and still be playful. And, as you know, the feelings follow!
I stopped coming to the bb b/c I had no time, but also, that I just felt weird about it. When I read negative stuff, I'd feel more down, then if I read someone being successful, I'd feel hopeless, like "gee, we'll never be like that again." Well, guess what! I was wrong! H has been really lovey dovey and wanting and initiating ML a lot!
I was still having a hard time trying not to get upset, however, I did get my upsets down to once a month! I had a hard time AAI everything was fine and that he could treat me however he wants "b/c he is still trying to get over my past mistakes." I felt like I had lost my dignity. For me to actually kinda stand up to him felt really good and like I am in control of my life/emo's.
What helped? I read this book that my sis discovered called, "Why Men Love Bitches" by Argov. It's not really about being a bitch as in mean, but as a Babe In Total Control of Herself. It really has a lot of info and tips in it. Some of it overlaps DB'ing like AAI, GAL, and doing some 180's, etc. I know the title doesn't sound nice, but it really is an inspirational book!
I plan on keeping up the independence, but yet be interdependent. I will also keep my moods UP and be active! He is responding like never before! No, I didn't do it all just for him. I think I found my dignity and plan on keeping it. It just made me more insecure to feel like I was being taken advantage of/taken for granted.
How are you? I'm ok. H is doing the same stuff. I was going along with the D, then we start talking, he hugs me and tells me he loves me, etc., we end up ML all week, then he says, "oh, i don't want you to think that this is going somewhere it's not. I still don't know what I want." Then he starts saying how he'll never be able to have female friends and comes up with this hypothetical situation that he should be able to go out with his friends male & female, married and single, and not have to invite me. He thinks that if I trusted him, I wouldn't care. I say it would be just plain RUDE (not me being jealous) to not invite me, then if it is something that I am not interested in, then I would say, "I am not interested, but have a great time!" I am so tired of this. I really don't think that I deserve to be treated this way, but yet, I continue to love him and want it to work out. What is wrong with me???
Is there something in DB that says we should put up with sh!t and do what they want b/c we want to stay M??? I feel like I am losing respect for myself b/c he twists everything around to me and blames everything on my "insecurities." I KNOW I am a great catch, and I just don't think he appreciates me.
He can be SO rude when he is mad. I don't think I ever really divulged how mean he has been when I "push his buttons."
Situation: H & I have been doing pretty well, but I remain disappointed about somethings. He HAS to play race cars every Sunday. He works Saturdays, so Sundays would be our only whole days together. Thursday, August 18, I tell him that my mom and I want to have a Labor Day picnic on the Sunday before Labor Day. H makes a face and says, "Sunday is race day." I say, "I thought you were going to share some Sundays with me." Friday we go camping. We meet a couple of my friends. H doens't help me prepare/plan for the trip at all. We are driving to the campground, I try to have pleasant convo. w/h. He gives me one word answers to everything. The drive is 1 3/4 hours. We get there, he asks about the sleeping/tent arrangements. He makes a joke about having 2 women in his tent, I get offended, he gets mad that I get offended. He thinks that he should be able to joke around like this without me getting upset b/c he thinks that I should know he is kidding. I think it is just unnecessary and not loving. I want to feel like I am special to him!
He says he is done again; that he is tired of dealing with my insecurities. I say OK, let's D. 3 1/2 weeks go by without much convo. (Living in same house sleeping in sep bedrooms). Then, the previous post happens. We were talking. I tell him I'll give him more time to heal and be patient with him. I ask if he treats me like crap for 3 years if we would be even. He says he's not trying to retaliate.
At the campground, I left him a note asking how it is that he doesn't care about my feelings. He says that he doesn't think that I'll ever be a decent mother or wife to him. I ask him face to face if he cares, he says, "I don't care," and then pretended like he was a deaf person talking and made a mumbly I don't care and made fake sign language to go along with it.
Please tell me I am not crazy for expecting someone to treat me better than this. ???
Quote: What helped? I read this book that my sis discovered called, "Why Men Love Bitches" by Argov. It's not really about being a bitch as in mean, but as a Babe In Total Control of Herself. It really has a lot of info and tips in it. Some of it overlaps DB'ing like AAI, GAL, and doing some 180's, etc. I know the title doesn't sound nice, but it really is an inspirational book!
This is from your post in June - maybe it's time to re-read this book?
Sometimes I get tired of acting. It seems like he is more attracted to me when I am independent, and don't ask for or need anything from him, but can I live the rest of my life in my M acting like that??? I want to be able to share my emotions with him and ask for emotional support. Is that such a bad thing?
ALSO, upon reading this book, I realized that the B.I.T.C.H. would have left him a long time ago.
I'm around but with little time to post during the week! I'll be back over the weekend or if I work from home one day this week...sorry to hear that you're still having issues but I'm glad you came by to post!!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks for stopping by Debi, Sage and Ellie. I had a phone session with Laurie which helped a lot. I still feel like DB'ing. Sometimes it's just so hard. Well, you all know how that is. I'm also reading "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man." Hopefully, there will some clues for me in there! take care, karen812
Hi all, How are you? H and I have been chit chatting some almost every day. For the most part, we sleep in separate beds. A couple weeks ago we had a good talk and then we were ML all week, and I stayed in our bed. Then he came home in a bad mood one day and said he needed to get away from it all. The next day he said that he was afraid that I thought this M was going in a direction that he wasn't sure he wanted. (getting back together). So, after that, I resumed sleeping in my bed. (The spare bedroom that we call mine b/c it is basically my dressing room.)
Since then, my plan has been to be friendly and warm to him and to be very receptive when he wants to talk about anything...I have been quite mysterious as I go out all the time, fluff-n-puff to the max (look hot), and come home later than him a lot of the time.
One night he went out, I thought he was gone for the evening, then I proceeded to get ready to go out and turned on a CD jammin' to some Prince, and he came home...he acted huffy. I asked if he wanted me to turn it down b/c it looked like he was going to read. He didn't answer, but then stomped around for a bit and plopped down on the couch with his book.
A couple days after that, he came to my room and said he wanted to apologize, that this is just harder on him at times than others. I told him I appreciated the apology and gave him a hug. Coincidentally, it seems like when we spend a minute or two hugging, he gets horny. Yee haw! So, we ML.
He was concerned about me getting emotional if we ML, but I told him that I could deal with the emo's and that I wanted to ML too. So, we ML every few days-and, well, as I have learned from before-separation sex rocks!!! You can tell that we really miss each other and the looks that he gives me are so emotionally charged and connected-like, it is great!
My non-DB friends think that I am letting him take advantage of me by ML with him even though we don't have more of a R. But, my plan is in place! Pam said that Michele had a post about having sex when separated-does anyone know where that is?
More on the plan-I am taking care of me by doing some house projects, climbing every week, making jewelry, I took a leaded glass class, and I have been looking for a new full-time job. (Yes, again). The mortgage biz is tuff, so I've been waiting on tables at a really nice restaurant in town making some good money. I go to mtg. place in morning and afternoon and work lunches at the restaurant. I am not in a position to move out of our house financially or to pay for it myself, so I figure as long as I am in a position to not do anything, to NOT do anything!
Since he has told me a million-bajillion times that I just have not been patient enough with him to get over the past, my plan is to not ask for anything emotionally from him for 6 months, and see if indeed he does come around. Seems like I can only go 4-6 weeks before I complain that he doesn't compliment me enough, initiate ML enough, or tell me ILY enough, or that he isn't supporting me emo'ly enough. Soooo....I started this on 9-23 and have been doing v well so far.
Last night I came home in a somewhat depressed mood and he actually came into my room to ask if I was ok. I told him that I was stressed, sad, mad, depressed. He asked about what & I said mainly the job sit. and he said, "and the sad and mad?" I told him that was re: our sit. I didn't divulge much info. He knows that I interviewed a couple weeks ago and never heard back from them. (I called a few times and they promised to call me back on Friday, but didn't.) Then he was getting horny! He makes jokes about me using him for sex sometimes, so I told him he just wanted to see how I was so he could get some. We have been joking around a lot like that, and we both like it. (Except, I don't really want him to think that I am using him for sex, so I am being very complimentary and reassuring when we do ML or he makes comments like that.)
