Thanks Jim. I ended up casually asking H about his password. He said he didn't think it was fair that I have access to his email. At first, I had a hard time w/it. I asked why he showed me that the movie listings are on his home page, and cartoons, and what does he have to hide. He said he has convo's that I don't need to read. I said I didn't read them...etc. Then I agreed. I also brought up that fact that we could both be computer savvy-that I don't want to go around this vicious circle where I spy more, he deletes more, etc.
Sat. I got a little upset, we talked about it, and moved on. (I think). Sunday I didn't see him for v long as we both were gone all day until 6ish, we went to din, and he started to feel sick. Last night I climbed with my friends, came home early (before 10) and he was just watching tv. I told him I was going to bed. He said, "already? It's early." I said, "I'm tired. Come smuggle me soon." No, it's not a typo, I really called it that.
I've been feeling unDB-like, but have kept it at bay by not opening my big mouth. I feel like harping, but what's the saying??? Insanity=doing the same thing over and over and expecting diff. results. I know I have to be cool. I have just been having a bad attitude thinking that he's not giving me what I want and that he never will, etc. Obviously, that won't get me anywhere and it is not selfLESS.
I got my review at work today. I did not get promoted as I hoped. (Same position for over 4 1/2 years). & I got a 2.96% raise. Supposedly, that is the standard right now, however, .08% of that will be going towards my raise in insurance cost. I am SERIOUSLY going to look for a new job. It will be hard...I know...but, it's gotta happen. I am not getting anywhere at my job and only getting more and more resentful of others getting promo's, or the co. hiring new college students at 5-8K more/year than some of us that have been there a few years. And, yes, I do have a college degree also.
In the beginning of my S I snooped on my W. Didn't cause me anything but pain. But now, I really only check 2 things any time I have the opportunity (i.e., I am invited) to visit the house: 1. Does my key still fit the lock? 2. Is the picture of the 2 of us still on the fireplace mantle?
If #1 is true, I'm still at least being trusted. If #2 is true, there is still the chance of 'feelings'.
At least, that's how I choose to look at things. Your mileage may vary.
I guess my point is, look at a few things you'd consider to be positives if they happen / don't happen / don't change, as your sitch dictates
I'll be back to revisit this post later, I have a meeting to attend
Hi Jim, Thanks for your response! Pam told me you apologized for the IM'ing stuff and I appreciate that. But, if you seriously have some good threads to point out to me, feel free! I'm always looking for some new "adventures," etc.
Things have been going pretty well w/h and me. He was sick all last week, so I didn't have any expectations. (I know-I should never have expectations, but at least when he is sick I know why he isn't doing this or that.) We are doing separate stuff this week M-W, and then Sat. he is going out with the guys.
Oh, last week our power was off and he went to a bar to have a beer and wait for me to meet him for din. When I got there, one of the waitresses was sitting with him, OR, he sat with her when he got there. At first, I had a hard time w/it...he then introduced us, but he didn't know her name and just said, "she's one of the regular servers who waits on us." So, we chit chatted a little, then she went to work thereby waiting on us. She seemed a little chummy w/him, but I've seen her before and know that she is friendly in general. Then he gave her a big tip and I said, "How much are you giving her?!?" So, I bit my tongue and didn't say anything else. The OLD me would have grilled him and been REALLY REALLY jealous, but the new me was just somewhat j. I found myself comparing myself to her and feeling somewhat insecure but...
I still have periods of sadness thinking of how H used to give me lots of WOA and cards and ecards and stuff. It makes me cry when I come across an old email or card he gave me. I really want that from him, but I know bi!ching does NOT work. I have decided that he has just been rebelling against me and that's why he did what he did. (B/c that was my worst fear). And, that he doesn't give me WOA b/c I have asked for them so much. I thought he was going to work on that...well, I'm sure that he is...in his own time.
So, I'm trying to live w/o the WOA. He does say ILY first on occasion, but it's usually me who says it first. I was wondering if I should back off due to the teeter-totter thing.
I started a "game" with him. He told me he was willing to do this-we each take a little piece of paper and write, "Sometime this month..." and fill in the rest of the sentence. Well, neither of us brought it up. Yesterday I gave him the paper with the sentence started on it, but he didn't leave it anywhere. What if I have to prod? If so, I was trying to think of a way to ask for it w/o prodding like saying jubilantly and NOT bi!chily (new word?), "I've got my card for you! Where's yours?!?" Or something like that. Any ideas?
Came to the lib to job-hunt, but it turns out one puter has word and the others have the internet, but no puters have both, so I can't copy and paste my resume!
Well, the first night I playfully asked h about the game and he said he was thinking about his answer. Then a couple days went by, still no response. I asked him about it and he asked why we couldn't just ask for what we want face to face. I felt upset and started to cry a little. Some b/c he wasn't participating and some b/c I DON'T feel like I can ask him for what I want. Well...we talked about it some. I CAN ask him for things that don't require a lot of emotional involvement. I asked if I could still play the game b/c it is something that would be exciting for me and said that he could join in if he thought of something. My request is that he plan a surprise date for us.
Tonight I'm feeling bad. Mr. monthly is here and I have a massive headache. My house is a mess, I just don't feel like I can get caught up. I went skiing for a couple days this weekend w/bike club ppl. I had a great time, but then have to get back to reality. Seems like I really can't stand my reality. I am still afraid of h using the computer for porn. Last we left it, he was supposed to volunteer if he had a hard time or slipped. He hasn't said anything. I feel like asking to get assurance, but I don't know if that is the right thing to do.
I am really tired of NOT getting WOA. I know that I can't complain about it though. I need to feel content w/o it, which is hard. ML has been really good and quite frequent. So, that's a definite plus. He signs his em's ILY, and sometimes says it on my vm, but he still hardly says it in person.
Next weekend is his birthday, so I'm taking him out to dinner and to see a band at the House of Blues. I got him a few little presents. I was thinking of getting him a funny card rather than a mushy one. I just don't get that he really cares about getting mushy cards. I was trying to do the "do unto others," but that doesn't seem to be working. I don't know...Valentine's Day is coming up. Maybe if I could just get along with him until then.
I hope I'm just slipping so bad mentally b/c of my cycle, but I don't know. I felt j that he went out with the guys this weekend, but didn't say anything. At least I'm doing a lot better in that regard.
I hope I'm just slipping so bad mentally b/c of my cycle, but I don't know.
I always have this problem. Just to let you know, you're not the only one. I just try to take a deep breath, and remind myself that I may be overreacting... The 24 hour rule comes in handy for me. If I'm still upset about it in 24 hours, I probably have a legit reason.
Thanks Nevanna. H ended up being v suppportive during this cycle. They are not always this bad, but I had a headache for 4 days and was v. emotional. I told him that, he gave me snuggles and I didn't get upset about anything with us.
I was looking forward to having fun this weekend. His bday is Sunday so I'm taking him out Sat. night. Then Sunday he is playing race cars all day, then out to din. w/my family to celebrate his and my uncle's bdays.
So, being that h has to take his car to e-check by his bday, he started messing around with it. The check engine light has been on pretty much since he bought it, and guess he procrastinated a little BIT! Turns out he needs a new catalytic converter which is anywhere from $300-$1000. And, after that, the transmission is still messed up, but that wouldn't affect the e-check. (E is for Emissions for those of you who don't have to do this!) So, he started debating what to do-put the work into it or buy a new car. Then he says that he knows what he has to do...that he doesn't have the money for a new car. (He wants a used Taurus SHO). He might be able to get one for a few thousand, but being a performance car, he'll prob want to buy all kindsa pieces parts for it.
He asks me what I think and I say that we should talk about it in person. My gut feeling is v. pissy. He hasn't joined checking accounts yet, we haven't dealt with any money issues together. He paid to have a tree cut down out of his money. I am ASSuming that he is resentful of that, but had he put our money together, it would have been "our" money. The bank acct. is in his hands. When we got married, I added his name to my acct's. So, I called a few weeks ago asking for a debit card for him so he can access it, the lady told me that he had to go in and sign for it. I told him this and he hasn't done it. Mind you, the bank is about 3 min. from our house.
I am looking for a new job, and know I need to make more money, but I still feel like he is acting "single." He spends money on whatever he wants w/in reason, eats whatever lunch he wants, goes out whenever he wants, and hasn't saved a dime (w/the exception of always having the $1000 cushion he had when we met). I on the other hand desperately need to build a new dog pen, and struggle from paycheck to paycheck and have saved $ by putting into our 401K. He said that he has enough credit to handle if some disaster would happen ie need furnace or whatever. He says I can ask him for money, but I don't think I should have to! And, since he just paid for the tree, I didn't think I should ask him for a little while. He said that he paid for that w/money he "didn't have."
I am feeling v. emo right now and I admit this. I'm not sure how to handle this. Part of me wants to be done with him for being stingy with his money and not acting more married. Unfortunately, we did not talk about this before we got M and I didn't know it was going to be like this. He kept saying if/when things got better, we would combine money. Then in Dec. he said he would do right after the holidays. Am I wrong for feeling this way??
Things have been going pretty well for the past few weeks. His bday was nice, but I didn't get to take him out b/c it was snowing too bad. For the most part, we've been getting along well. Valentine's Day was really nice. H gave me a bottle of wine, roses, a card, and took me out for a surprise dinner the Friday after. I cooked din. that night and gave him some concert tix.
I found a new job. I'm going to be a loan officer for a mortgage company. Pretty scary b/c it's all commission. But, I really need a change. My work has not been compensating me well enough & haven't promoted me, etc. (it's a long story. I never should have accepted such a low pay to begin with, and I only meant to be there temporarily. Temporarily has turned into over 5 years.
I'm afraid that H has not gone to the bank. My card got compromised and someone charged over $500 to it. It was all credited back to me and I got a new account # & card. So, H was reluctant to switch to my account until that was over & done with. OK, it's been about 3 weeks, and I told him it was all cleared. Then Monday morn. I asked if he would rather open up an account in HIS name. He said, "no, since it's cleared up now. I'll go Tuesday or Wednesday or..." I have asked him a couple times if he really intends to go. Why does he keep saying he will if he won't? As far as I know, he did not go T or W this week. The only reasons I can think of are a. he's lazy/procrastinating, b. doesn't care, c. doesn't trust me, d. is still thinking about divorce, or e. doesn't want to share his money, or f. other?? It's not that I WANT his money, but rather, I would like to work on financial goals together. He makes a lot more than me and spends as he wishes, while I struggle from paycheck to paycheck.
My new job has "unlimited earning potential" so I wonder if I should just wait it out and just save/plan for retirement myself. I don't think H realizes the importance of planning for retirement NOW (we are in our 30's), but I've worked in the ret. industry and I know how necessary it is.
I just don't get it. Part of me feels like he wants to live like a single person, and he prob. does not want to feel "controlled." But, in November, he told me he was IN this M and around Christmas time he told me he would join banking after the holidays. (which holidays, I wonder? )
Re: my job, he said that we would "handle it." He didn't say specifically if he would give me money, or we would plan together, etc., so I asked him one day, but I had to get to work. I think he thinks he'll just give me money. He doesn't understand why I have a hard time having to ask him for money. I don't think that I should have to.
It may not be the most divorce busting thing for me to do, but I really want to talk about this. B/c if he is still unsure about our R and/or doesn't trust me, it may be time for me to move on. I think I've done my share of working on this M, and my biological time clock is ticking. It seems like kids are still far off in the future. (I'm 35 1/2).
Quote: I don't think H realizes the importance of planning for retirement NOW (we are in our 30's), but I've worked in the ret. industry and I know how necessary it is.
Do you think you could get him to read Smart Couples Finish Rich ot The Automatic Millionaire with you (or listen to a tape or seminar from the same guy, if H isn't a reader?). It's a little simplistic in its financial advice, but it's pretty motivating, and just might get him thinking that way.
I'd be a little more patient about the banking thing. Sounds like he's just a lazy procrastinator - after all, it doesn't have the same meaning for him as it does for you, so he doesn't feel the same urgency. What difference does a couple more weeks make?
And have you really worked out how this joint account is going to work? Different couples do it differently. Some put their relative share of the bills into a joint account (like, if he makes twice what you do, he puts in two thirds and you put in one third) and then keep separate accounts for the rest of "their" money. Some pool it all together and assign one person as the financial manager. I'd be interested to hear how other people do it.
My H and I have always followed the latter model - all money in one checking account, which I manage. This has pros and cons. Pros: - my H hates balancing a checkbook or paying bills, while I like to do it, so I got the control and he avoided the chore.
- only I have the checkbook and ATM card, so it is easier to keep track of balances - no surprises like "oh, honey, I forgot to tell you I wrote a check for $800".
Cons: - if I was not an ethical sort, I suppose I could be making spending decisions that H didn't know about
- H being "out of the loop" financially means he always thinks we have more money than we really do - if you don't pay the bills, you don't know where all the money goes. (I'm trying to remedy this by getting up to speed on one of the computer programs like Quicken, so I can have an easy way to show him where our money goes every month).
- if the bookkeeping partner dies or leaves , the other spouse could be left without the skills they need (think of all those women who never handle finances, then have to untangle messes when their H's die. I worry about my H having similar probs, actually - he really doesn't understand the way I do the accounting, just a different style, and I'm not sure he knows where everything is.)
- with a joint account, it is hard to feel like you have any "mad money" for yourself.
How do others out there handle this? Maybe coming up with a concrete plan would make your H more comfortable with the idea? And if your income is going to be irregular, this will take more discussion, as it is harder to keep track of and budget around.
kml wrote:
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if you don't pay the bills, you don't know where all the money goes. (I'm trying to remedy this by getting up to speed on one of the computer programs like Quicken, so I can have an easy way to show him where our money goes every month).
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( you would be surprised to see where your money goes especially if you put a code to items and add up you spent over the year in each group)
KML, I use "Quicken Premier" (year). There are 4 or 5 levels of the program, depending on what you want to track and how much you want an intigrated financial worth statements. You type in a name or ES (ES first last names) once and the next time all you do is type in ES and the program fills out the rest of the name or vendor. Same with checks you write. Type in (MHC Mental Health Center) the first time and every time you type MHC from then on it types in the full name (Mental Health Center) in the pay to line. This can be over ridded if you need to. (Quickbooks 99)
Quicken Premier allows you to track several groups of similar items. I like the Premier version because of it's investment tracking features. I reinvest several dividends and that makes knowing what a particular share of stock actually cost more difficult to determine. With Quicken Premier, I can determine what a stock cost, which shares to sell first or last, (semi tax advice and financial planning tools) and several other options that are for people more investment savy than me.
I think there is one version above Premier that you can input a lot of simple business information for a small or home business. I have QuickBooks business software for the business I run out of my home. I need a program that tracks inventory and Quicken does not have an inventory tracker.
Advice is to buy the version with all of the features you think you might use, even if you do not intend to do it now. I rarely up-grade, maybe every 4 to 6 years. Some of the newer versions are almost new programs that require a fair amount of re-learning. Some of the up-grades are mostly a sales pitch. I do download the patches.
If you buy a newer version and convert your old data to run on the new version, once data is converted to the new version you can't run it on the old version of the program. Data conversions go up only, never back. I am using QuickBook 99 for my business. I bought it used for about half it's former retail price when it was two years old. Some of the newer programs have tricky install, serial and activation numbers. Without the numbers, the programs will not work for more than 30 days.
Karen, Reading your post too. No advice for now. I relate to several of your feelings.
I see you listed Retirement Plan Specialist. I am deciding if I want to retire early. Worked a lot of hours since I was 17, dont excatly know what I want to do when I retire.
Some of my customers are mortgage brokers on commission. The good ones / hustlers make a lot of money while the average ones get by.
I am SERIOUSLY going to look for a new job. It will be hard...I know...but, it's gotta happen. I am not getting anywhere at my job and only getting more and more resentful of others getting promo's, or the co. hiring new college students at 5-8K more/year than some of us that have been there a few years. And, yes, I do have a college degree also. 
So, that's a definite plus. He signs his em's ILY, and sometimes says it on my vm, but he still hardly says it in person. 