Hi Pam,
I questioned the parental controls too, but he said that he wants help in this way. I don't know that he needs to wean. He didn't mention that. This is the first time he's looked since the beginning of November and it was brief. So, maybe that IS the weaning? I don't know. I'm still confused about the whole sit.

You are right about the resentments. I'm trying to ditch them. I know I need to continue to do more for myself. He even mentioned that I seemed diff than when we were sep. He brought up how I had highlighted my hair-I said that that costs money and that I had thought of putting low-lights in my hair. I also realize that I am not acting as if like I was then. I have let him see some of the depressed/stressed side of me. Maybe it's too much?

H has agreed to put our $ together. I am concerned about this as well. He says that his biggest hang up is that I won't look for a new job seeking more money if he is "helping" me. He already thinks that I am complacent about the issue. I think that I have been more deliberate about the issue and wanted to work through 12-31 in order to earn the rest of my bonus and company matching. Co. match will be $1200 and bonus will be?? $200-several hundred. He didn't think it was worth it if I would find a new job making a few more thousand a year, but I feel that my workplace "owes" this money to me since I've hardly gotten any raises over the past 4 1/2 years.

I am having trouble with expectations. (as in having them). I also think that since he f'ed up, he should be kissing up a little more. I guess that isn't the right 'tude to have. According to him, he is still trying to open up as best as he can. He gave me a really nice xmas present-a car stereo, but forgot to get me a card. i was disappointed about the card, but he did apologize. I have some anger thinking, "well, he's supposed to be working on being more expressive, and he used to give me cards/send me ecards, so, why not now???"

Our sex life has been awesome. We've talked about a lot of stuff and have been mixing it up some. He's been wanting it a lot-actually as much as or more than me!!! He says he is turned on by me all the time now b/c we are getting along.

I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish in 2005. I really need to re-prioritize some things, mainly my dogs. The hiking group does go out on sunday mornings, and there is always the biking group that goes out on thursday evenings. I won't walk them in the dark by myself. And, it's hard b/c home is a half hour away from work, and work is close to the hiking locale. (10-15 min). so, typically, I would stay at work until it was time to meet the group. I had asked to change my hours to be done at 4:30, but never got that. I am wondering if my boss would be amenable to letting me go early on thursdays.

I went to H's boss' christmas party. (this was at her house in addition to the work party that they had at a hall). All of their friends are bikers and h warned me that he wanted me to have thick skin b/c he didn't know if any women would be exposing themselves or not. I told him that if he wanted to go home with someone else to give me the car keys. He said that there was no one else that he'd rather go home with than me.

He took his bass guitar and played with the band. I talked to a lot of ppl including his boss. I had a great time, no one was exposed except for a guy who got de-pantsed on the dance floor! OK, and I actually got up and sang a couple songs with the band. In fact, H's boss actually told him that she thought I was a lot of fun and that she should have us out more often!

I can honestly say that I really do feel pretty decent most of the time. I am not v depressed (still on wellbutrin and adderall), and I don't have much anxiety any more. I'm not sure about my new C. I don't think she is telling me anything I haven't heard already and basically just repeats what I say. I told Pam that I could just use my tape recorder and save $! H says that he doesn't even know why I am in C anymore, b/c he knows that I know what to do. I thought this C would be more solution-focused, but I've only seen a little of it.

H is still afraid that I'll go back to the old me and still gets defensive when we talk. I continue to work on saying things non-offensively. He has been much more open about his resentments which I think is great. We've been laffing a lot, and really enjoying each others' company.

I underestimated him in a lot of ways, and I am being pleasantly surprised. I keep lovingly calling him my little sex machine and he calls me his horndog.

Thanks for reading. I hope you all are doing well and I will stop by to see some of you!

Karen