Quote: He wants me to put the parental controls on the computer.
Can he not do this himself if he feels that he needs it on the computer while he is weaning himself away from the sites?
Quote: We both continue to have a lot of resentments towards one another.
You did ask me to post and you do know I didn't save my marriage so you have to take this for what it may be worth! BUT, something I KNOW more than one person told me, your resentments have to be put on the back burner or addressed if possible by changes you make in yourself, because if you are the one working on the R you have to address their resentments and concerns first before they are in a place that they would be willing to look at yours.
Plus, something Ellie posted to me last week I think about selfish love versus selfless love. My resentments towards D are because he isn't here with me and enjoying time together but that is about how him being here would enable me to feel. So it is actually a selfish wish. I think sometimes in R's one person or the other is the one needing from the other and the other is being selfless, but that would be in an R without resentments already built up I would think.
One of my big problems during the time I was trying to db were my expectations that he was and should, (lovely word that ), turn around and work with me on the marriage. But if they are either ambiguous or wanting out, they aren't going to do that at this time. I realize your h says he wants to stay m. But it doesn't sound as if he is ready to jump in with both feet yet. As someone said he is dipping his toes in the water to see how it feels to him.
I think, again take with a grain of salt, you need to just either address his concerns, or just validate if no other action can be taken and keep showing him the positive new Karen that, HAS A LIFE, besides just him!!!!!!!!
Maybe he isn't ready for deep R conversations at this point in time? Just be his friend and supporter?
And yes, you managing your money would show him how responsible you are!
I still don't have those titles for you on the books but I will find them.
Hope you had a Wonderful Christmas and are ENJOYING today!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hi Pam, I questioned the parental controls too, but he said that he wants help in this way. I don't know that he needs to wean. He didn't mention that. This is the first time he's looked since the beginning of November and it was brief. So, maybe that IS the weaning? I don't know. I'm still confused about the whole sit.
You are right about the resentments. I'm trying to ditch them. I know I need to continue to do more for myself. He even mentioned that I seemed diff than when we were sep. He brought up how I had highlighted my hair-I said that that costs money and that I had thought of putting low-lights in my hair. I also realize that I am not acting as if like I was then. I have let him see some of the depressed/stressed side of me. Maybe it's too much?
H has agreed to put our $ together. I am concerned about this as well. He says that his biggest hang up is that I won't look for a new job seeking more money if he is "helping" me. He already thinks that I am complacent about the issue. I think that I have been more deliberate about the issue and wanted to work through 12-31 in order to earn the rest of my bonus and company matching. Co. match will be $1200 and bonus will be?? $200-several hundred. He didn't think it was worth it if I would find a new job making a few more thousand a year, but I feel that my workplace "owes" this money to me since I've hardly gotten any raises over the past 4 1/2 years.
I am having trouble with expectations. (as in having them). I also think that since he f'ed up, he should be kissing up a little more. I guess that isn't the right 'tude to have. According to him, he is still trying to open up as best as he can. He gave me a really nice xmas present-a car stereo, but forgot to get me a card. i was disappointed about the card, but he did apologize. I have some anger thinking, "well, he's supposed to be working on being more expressive, and he used to give me cards/send me ecards, so, why not now???"
Our sex life has been awesome. We've talked about a lot of stuff and have been mixing it up some. He's been wanting it a lot-actually as much as or more than me!!! He says he is turned on by me all the time now b/c we are getting along.
I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish in 2005. I really need to re-prioritize some things, mainly my dogs. The hiking group does go out on sunday mornings, and there is always the biking group that goes out on thursday evenings. I won't walk them in the dark by myself. And, it's hard b/c home is a half hour away from work, and work is close to the hiking locale. (10-15 min). so, typically, I would stay at work until it was time to meet the group. I had asked to change my hours to be done at 4:30, but never got that. I am wondering if my boss would be amenable to letting me go early on thursdays.
I went to H's boss' christmas party. (this was at her house in addition to the work party that they had at a hall). All of their friends are bikers and h warned me that he wanted me to have thick skin b/c he didn't know if any women would be exposing themselves or not. I told him that if he wanted to go home with someone else to give me the car keys. He said that there was no one else that he'd rather go home with than me.
He took his bass guitar and played with the band. I talked to a lot of ppl including his boss. I had a great time, no one was exposed except for a guy who got de-pantsed on the dance floor! OK, and I actually got up and sang a couple songs with the band. In fact, H's boss actually told him that she thought I was a lot of fun and that she should have us out more often!
I can honestly say that I really do feel pretty decent most of the time. I am not v depressed (still on wellbutrin and adderall), and I don't have much anxiety any more. I'm not sure about my new C. I don't think she is telling me anything I haven't heard already and basically just repeats what I say. I told Pam that I could just use my tape recorder and save $! H says that he doesn't even know why I am in C anymore, b/c he knows that I know what to do. I thought this C would be more solution-focused, but I've only seen a little of it.
H is still afraid that I'll go back to the old me and still gets defensive when we talk. I continue to work on saying things non-offensively. He has been much more open about his resentments which I think is great. We've been laffing a lot, and really enjoying each others' company.
I underestimated him in a lot of ways, and I am being pleasantly surprised. I keep lovingly calling him my little sex machine and he calls me his horndog.
Thanks for reading. I hope you all are doing well and I will stop by to see some of you!
I feel like I am slipping somewhat into some negative patterns of thinking. H & I went to dinner and to get a movie. He logged on briefly, and I saw that the parental controls that I tried to set were not set. ??? I didn't do it right.
Later, I tell H this and start probing a little as to if it was hard for him not to, etc. He really thought I had a bi!chy attitude, and didn't respond very well. We went back and forth a bit, not really making a + resolution. I told him that I wanted some assurance and asked if I shouldn't ask for it. He said that he would give it to me if I asked nicely. Seems like I get really emotional, think I am communicating nicely, but am not.
So, I went to bed and he watched the movie. I woke up from 1-3 and felt somewhat troubled. I know that not forgiving him and bringing it up is not going to help us move forward. He wants to move on (by not talking about it) and I want to move on by getting some compassion from him. This is where I get stuck.
Do I need to go back to not asking him for anything??? I know I am not DB'ing as well as I was this summer and need to step on the gas. I am still hanging out with my friends 2 or 3 times a week. H has been spending a lot of time playing with rc cars and is gone most of the day on Sunday. He mentioned wishing there was something else that we could do together and we tossed around a few ideas.
He hates going out in the snow, but may hike sometime in the snow if it isn't too bad.
For me??? I have a lot on my plate to take care of myself. I am not even sure where to begin!
I really don't know your sitch but here is my two cents: You are in piecing!!!!! This is where every single one of us that comes to that board wants to be eventually. You got that far. That's something you were fighting for a bloody battle and don't you even think about giving up now.
I am hot tempered (one of the 180s I'm doing is self control) and I'm quick to react and then be sorry for it when it's too late (can't take it back - tried it and it did not work). So take a deep breath, count to whatever or say opposite of what your H would normally expect to hear. Or just say something totally unrelated! Like cheese! Flower! Palm tree! WHATEVER! If he asks just say that you recognized that you were going to over-react and you did not want to do it - you will both get a laugh out of it (the more silly the thing you say the more laugh you'll have) and it will help.
Do a lot of AS IF and still don't believe what he says (okay, be selective, don't believe the bad stuff only ). When it comes to past - don't bring it up. You knew that once you get to piecing you won't be able to because otherwise you'll get stuck in the past - that's where our WAS are and that's a bad place to be. You made your choice fighting that long to burry the past.
You can ask him about reassurance for the now and for the future. Neither he nor you can go back in time and fix stuff. Leave it there. He doesn't have to go out of his way but let him know that him showing appreciation for you (words of affirmation or whatever your love language happens to be) will work the magic. He just needs to know that. If you feed him the stuff you won't believe in it even if he does it. Just like coming back had to come from him so does the reasurance.
Hopefully that helped a bit...and I know, easier said than done. Just know how many people (including me) would kill for the chance to be in piecing....
I like the idea about saying something goofy! I have been a very emotional person and have said many many things that I wish I could take back.
I hear you about burying the past. Unfortunately, H has not been very willing to give my reassurance. I was very demanding for the first 2 or 3 years of our R and he just got so tired. He felt like no matter what he did, I would get upset about something else. (this is true). Now, he repeats that he COULD just say some words when I want him to, but wouldn't I rather that he say them b/c he WANTS to? Yes, WOA is my LL. I have told him this a number of times. He's still in rebel state I think. The things that I have asked for most or asked him not to do most, are the things he doesn't do or does! Did that make sense? He has such a fear about being controlled that he seems to deliberately do the opposite of what I want.
But, don't get me wrong, he has come a long, long way since this summer. And, I do believe that I show appreciation for. Just seems like if I point out one negative, all he hears is "you're an @sshole and never do anything right." And, I am NOT saying that. I think that I have been doing much better at communicating, but he still gets very defensive and I don't think he empathizes very much.
Put the goofy thing in use right away. It's going to be my 180 to you free of charge Little gift to start off the New Year on the better foot.
I'm glad you feel that your R is a long way from where it was this summer. I guess each time you start to doubt you just need to re-read your threads and see the progress. It will boost your ego and give you energy to continue.
Myself, I'm loosing the energy. The yo-yo of DBing and my sitch gives me upset stomach (literally). When I was away on the cruise I ate like crazy and gained like 5 pounds. In the first day back, even though he wasn't back from his trip(visiting his familY) I already lost all that weight and feel like I keep loosing because there is no indication (as far as I'm concerned) that he wants to work on the R and even though it's been only two and a half months since the bomb I exhausted...I need a sign, I need encouragement from him, I need him to at least admit that there MIGHT be a chance....nothing...nada...
Thanks NJ! Yesterday I took the day off. (H has been off all week). We went to lunch with his mom to the Cheesecake Factory! Yummy! It was nice. We came home, took a nap, and . It was nice b/c I asked him what he wanted me to do, and he said to use my imagination. I said, "I don't have much imagination right now." He said he didn't either. So, I said, "it's ok w/me if we have 'regular' sex!" He said it was for him too. I thought that was good b/c I don't want to feel like ML has to be a big production every single time and that he is ok with it too. Sure, I want to be adventurous and all, but sometimes I just want it. We exchanged some nice words. (Actually, I said some nice things and he agreed like "that was nice, ML all the time is so awesome, & I've enjoyed spending time off with you."
I have a lot of things in mind to accomplish in 2005. I can't wait for this year to be over.
I have been wondering if I have just brought this whole situation on myself. As Dr. Phil says, "what you fear, you create." I'm not sure exactly how he means it...Do any of you? Kind of like expanding the negative. I really feel like H has just been rebelling against me. He is so afraid to be controlled. Well, I guess we all are to some extent. Which means that *I need to quit trying so hard to get what I want. I re-read parts of DB and realized that I'm still doing more of the same re: asking for WOA. What works most is being able to feel secure about myself w/o depending on h for words-then he is more likely to give me words!
Hi All, I was IM'ing Pam and she doesn't feel comfy answering this, so can someone chime in?
The last H & I left it is that he would volunteer info if he felt the urge to look at IP. I was unsuccessful in setting the parental controls. He took that as me not wanting to help him. I changed the history to 5 days, and he changed it back to 0. He also removed his password, so when I sign online, I cannot go to his home page where his email is. Do I bring this up???
If he is trying to keep me from spying, is he hiding something or not wanting to be controlled? Is he rebelling? Do I just drop it??? I'm scared. You know, I got myself into this f'ing mess. If that hadn't of been my biggest fear, he probably wouldn't have done it.
He just left to go to one party and then he and all of our friends will meet at the second party later. I'm feeling nervous.
I'm sure it will be fine. Is anyone out there to post to me???
I think by removing your access to his email and changing the history, he's doing his best to keep from being controlled/monitored. My suggestion is to try your best to let it go. I've snooped on my W before, and it's only caused me hurt.
), turn around and work with me on the marriage. But if they are either ambiguous or wanting out, they aren't going to do that at this time. I realize your h says he wants to stay m. But it doesn't sound as if he is ready to jump in with both feet yet. As someone said he is dipping his toes in the water to see how it feels to him.
today! 
In fact, H's boss actually told him that she thought I was a lot of fun and that she should have us out more often! 
. It was nice b/c I asked him what he wanted me to do, and he said to use my imagination. I said, "I don't have much imagination right now." He said he didn't either. So, I said, "it's ok w/me if we have 'regular' sex!" He said it was for him too. I thought that was good b/c I don't want to feel like ML has to be a big production every single time and that he is ok with it too. Sure, I want to be adventurous and all, but sometimes I just want it.