Well, It's been a whole month since I've posted! Things have been going pretty well. H & I have been ML a lot and being more open and adventurous. I snooped a few times and didn't see anything. Then two days ago I saw that he had gone to just a couple pages. I asked how it was going with the IP. He said that he had slipped and that he knew it was stupid. Again, he said that he was bored. Hello??? Can we say "get a life??" He says that he does want to stay m.
I was v mad and hurt. He wants me to put the parental controls on the computer. I don't want to have to do that...We talked more about sex and our R. We both continue to have a lot of resentments towards one another.
He has been bothered for years about a few things. One is how I have not been responsible with my dogs. I agreed that it is true and that I need to work on that and re-prioritize them. (They were mine before we got M, so he doesn't play a part in their lives-he's not a huge dog fan) :.(.
Also, he thinks I'm irresponsible with money b/c my mom paid for a lot of things for me. She paid for my college degree, and let me live in her little house virtually rent free, bought me a car, etc. I've always thought I would pay her back...someday...
Also, he thought that I didn't regret that I was an OW with my old bf after he got married. I told H that I DID regret it and why did he think I told him about it? He said he didn't know. I said, "why didn't you ASK?"
I shared that I still have resentment about our $ situation. He says that he would give me money if I asked. I said that I don't think that I should HAVE to ask and that I think he holds it against me. And, that I have to ask repeatedly for money. He still is afraid that I'll screw up his credit or spend all his money or something. ??? OK, so I HAD bad credit but it has been good for a few years now!
We talked about communication and our lack thereof. He wants me to be able to talk to him, I'm not sure that he cares about what I have to talk about. He rubutted a lot of what I said, then I felt hurt b/c he doesn't acknowledge my feelings at the same time. If I say "it seems like you are not interested" and he says, "well, i didn't know you wanted input," he doesn't tell me "i AM interested...i just dind't understand" or whatever. So then I was hurt for not feeling validated.
We basically made up and said we would work on things. Today I feel really upset and I'm not sure completely why. Well, I know some reasons. I feel judged by him re: being an OW and allowing my mom to give me money, and for not having impeccable credit. I didn't share my past with him so he would hold it against me-I did the opposite. I shared with him so he would know what issues I was working on in my life, etc.
I just feel like I have come so far in my life and in who I am. I finally feel really good about myself and am enjoying my life. I wonder if I ever really was insecure or if just thinking that I was caused all these problems. He continues to remind me of how much I have "emotionally abused" him and how much he has "put up with." I'm really sick of hearing about it. I think that I deserve to be treated well that he needs to get over it and move on. Am I being insensitive? And, NO, he won't go to MC.
I also told him that he still gets v defensive when I bring stuff up and I know I am NOT saying it in an offensive way. ie. I would say, "sometimes you don't respond to what I am saying and it seems as if you don't care what I am saying." And he hears "ALWAYS and YOU DON'T CARE." He is soooo sensitive this way. I seriously do not think it is how I say things! All I ask is that he hear what I say and acknowledge my feelings. So then he says "OH, you want me to kiss your ass." I said, "um..no, that's not what I said."
I get really hurt when he responds to me so defensively! He can be downright rude sometimes! What do I do???
