Well, my anx was founded. I caught H again using IP. We got into a discussion. He says he was bored and being stupid. He did say he is sorry and regrets it. He said he feels like I am selfish in bed. I argued that I am ALWAYS asking him what he wants, and if he doesnt' say it, how am I supposed to know? I told him my part of the sep was for him to decide what he wanted-that or me and that i expected him not to do it. I told him to think about it and if he can't say he won't do it, then don't. I said, "you don't have to answer me now..." He said, " I can promise now. I won't do it." He went out with the guys (this convo was on the phone), didn't get home til late, i was sleeping. This morn we talked before work. I told him I deserved a hug, he said ok and said he was sorry. I told him I was really pissed at him right now and that he just flushed down the toilet the work we had been doing. He tried to make it like he was "getting even" b/c of all of the bad things I've done to him. I said that I had taken the blame for the things I did wrong to him, but that I was NOT taking the blame for when he does something wrong. (You know, like when he says, "I did it b/c I was mad at you." Or "B/c you're being selfish") He shook his head like he was confused. I said things always come back to me. He says he's afraid to talk to me. I said that I have never given him a hard time for sharing his feelings and it has been over a year since we had any couple/few hour fights. He thinks that's too soon to tell. I could go on...but this is the most important stuff. Some other stuff did come up. I am so dissappointed right now. I have been doing really well and I don't think I deserve this crap. I told him we can't move on with him continuing to do this stuff in our r. I need to get back on track of taking care of my finances and finding a new job. I can't support myself financially if we d.
We also talked about our vaca which is the day after tomorrow. I've been doing all of the planning and looking for places to go, etc. i asked for his opinion a couple times on what to do and I told him that I only care about 2 days-the one day I'm climbing, and the one day I'd like to drive to Zion, the other 3 we can fly by the seat of our pants. He says, "well this is your deal. I don't need to go somewhere to be happy." I said that I don't either, but there are lots of things that I want to see. I brought up that we had discussed this before we got m and that I don't want to have this fight again. Meaning how imp. vaca is to me and how unimportant it is to him. I said, Well I care about you and don't want to dictate what hikes we are going to do...
Which chimed in with him not opening his mouth by helping to decide what's for dinner, or what to do for the evening, etc. I said I can only be resp for myself. He said "you don't need to be resp for me, I was fine before you ,i'd be fine w/o you. i know how to make decisions." I said, "I know...that's what's so frustrating." I ask when he needs from store, he says nothing, then in other discussions talks about how i don't buy groceries. Hello?
I'm sorry, my brain just isn't too focused right now. I think you leave today and I believe I would just drop it and focus on enjoying your vacation together.
Having some good positive interactions could go a long ways when you guys are ready to talk again.
Take care and I am hoping you have a wonderful trip.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Not sure if you've left for vacation yet...I agree with Pam re. the suggestion to go on vacation but leave THIS stuff behind! Just go, enjoy yourself and being with h, and focus on the positives and creating a good time. You don't have to solve any of this right this minute.
when you DO get back, taking a good look at the first paragraph of your post might be a good place to start...there's so much in there...opportunities to understand where h is at...some really good chances to DB. Know what I mean?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi, Back from vaca. It was nice except H was sick. We got into a big fight on Friday b/c I got jealous. We talked for several hours on Sunday and got a lot out that needed to be out. We were both feeling like we were communicating with each other but neither was hearing.
Can't write much now. Thanks to you who still read me. Can someone tell me why we are NOT supposed to spy?
Quote: Can someone tell me why we are NOT supposed to spy?
Well, generally because snooping tends to put us in abad mood, and then we don't act as if very well, and then our vibes tend to push them away instead of drawing them closer. However, I do believe there is a time and place for snooping.
Well, It's been a whole month since I've posted! Things have been going pretty well. H & I have been ML a lot and being more open and adventurous. I snooped a few times and didn't see anything. Then two days ago I saw that he had gone to just a couple pages. I asked how it was going with the IP. He said that he had slipped and that he knew it was stupid. Again, he said that he was bored. Hello??? Can we say "get a life??" He says that he does want to stay m.
I was v mad and hurt. He wants me to put the parental controls on the computer. I don't want to have to do that...We talked more about sex and our R. We both continue to have a lot of resentments towards one another.
He has been bothered for years about a few things. One is how I have not been responsible with my dogs. I agreed that it is true and that I need to work on that and re-prioritize them. (They were mine before we got M, so he doesn't play a part in their lives-he's not a huge dog fan) :.(.
Also, he thinks I'm irresponsible with money b/c my mom paid for a lot of things for me. She paid for my college degree, and let me live in her little house virtually rent free, bought me a car, etc. I've always thought I would pay her back...someday...
Also, he thought that I didn't regret that I was an OW with my old bf after he got married. I told H that I DID regret it and why did he think I told him about it? He said he didn't know. I said, "why didn't you ASK?"
I shared that I still have resentment about our $ situation. He says that he would give me money if I asked. I said that I don't think that I should HAVE to ask and that I think he holds it against me. And, that I have to ask repeatedly for money. He still is afraid that I'll screw up his credit or spend all his money or something. ??? OK, so I HAD bad credit but it has been good for a few years now!
We talked about communication and our lack thereof. He wants me to be able to talk to him, I'm not sure that he cares about what I have to talk about. He rubutted a lot of what I said, then I felt hurt b/c he doesn't acknowledge my feelings at the same time. If I say "it seems like you are not interested" and he says, "well, i didn't know you wanted input," he doesn't tell me "i AM interested...i just dind't understand" or whatever. So then I was hurt for not feeling validated.
We basically made up and said we would work on things. Today I feel really upset and I'm not sure completely why. Well, I know some reasons. I feel judged by him re: being an OW and allowing my mom to give me money, and for not having impeccable credit. I didn't share my past with him so he would hold it against me-I did the opposite. I shared with him so he would know what issues I was working on in my life, etc.
I just feel like I have come so far in my life and in who I am. I finally feel really good about myself and am enjoying my life. I wonder if I ever really was insecure or if just thinking that I was caused all these problems. He continues to remind me of how much I have "emotionally abused" him and how much he has "put up with." I'm really sick of hearing about it. I think that I deserve to be treated well that he needs to get over it and move on. Am I being insensitive? And, NO, he won't go to MC.
I also told him that he still gets v defensive when I bring stuff up and I know I am NOT saying it in an offensive way. ie. I would say, "sometimes you don't respond to what I am saying and it seems as if you don't care what I am saying." And he hears "ALWAYS and YOU DON'T CARE." He is soooo sensitive this way. I seriously do not think it is how I say things! All I ask is that he hear what I say and acknowledge my feelings. So then he says "OH, you want me to kiss your ass." I said, "um..no, that's not what I said."
I get really hurt when he responds to me so defensively! He can be downright rude sometimes! What do I do???
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