Hi, The past couple weeks have been ok. H and I had a couple skirishes but made it through ok. Last night, however, I got a little upset. I had spent a couple/few eve's away from h. This weekend we were supposed to go to the river two days and go to cleve. saturday. However, it was cloudy with a forecast of possible scattered thunderstorms, so h didn't want to chance it and go to cleve. sat. and get rained on.
Fri night he worked on his truck, then came into the house to get ready to go somewhere. I had a migraine so I was just laying down for a while. Well, we were down to a broken thin bar of soap and h got all huffy that he had to go to the store for soap. i felt guilty that i hadn't gotten it, but thought "he can go to the store sometimes too, and we DO have soap." He had previously had trouble with the truck so I never did hear if he was actually mad at me or the sitch. So, we just went out to eat.
Sat. since he didn't want to go to cleve, we decided to go out to eat and to movie. I get ready, looking nice, and h is just casual w/jean shorts, tee, and sneakers. so i changed my top and said it looked silly for me to be dressed up and him casual.
when we got to the rest. i had started to cry. i said that i was bummed that we weren't doing the things that we had planned and that i was tired of things getting cancelled b/c it might rain. he got angry-b/c this implication is that it is his fault. Well, i think, why not accomodate the stinkin' ohio weather and wear a hat and take an umbrella, etc. People in Seattle don't stay indoors 24/7 do they. Plus I was hurt that he wasn't putting more effort into our date by dressing up a little more or wearing cologne, etc. But, I DID NOT bring this up.
He said that i seemed to be more concerned with WHAT we did and WHERE we went rather than just being together. I said it's not that, but that I like to do stuff, that I was looking forward to it, etc. He said something about him maybe not being the right guy for me since he is not so concerned about that.
Had din, came home, rented movie. I laid down for a few again. Getting another headache. Went and watched movie.
This morn. tried to talk a little I said I was afraid that things were going back to how they were. He said he was too, and that I had been doing so much w/my friends and now I'm getting back into just hanging out with him and unhappy. I said that I want to do fun stuff WITH him, that I could live a separate life, but that I don't want to.
I am married to HIM, I don't want to be away from him 5 days a week. I WAS happy doing all this other stuff, but I want to incorporate him into that. He said I act like we never do anything, that we are going camping in a few weeks and to vegas in a couple months.
I said that he was acting diff. than our first week back together too, b/c he was acting happy to be with me then...He says, "well, I wasn't the one trying to railroad the R." So, I have to pay for this for HOW LONG???
TBH, I'm afraid that H just might not fit into my life. When we were dating, he was attracted to me b/c I like to do so much stuff, he tried many things, but didn't stick with many. So, this other guy that I became friends with in July was interested in me...and I was attracted to him, but told him that I wanted my M to work and I never told him that I liked him too. So, what if I do more stuff w/club and this guy and have more fun w/o h around???
Can I have it both ways? Just do things that H and I already do together and not try to get him to do other stuff and just do them myself w/others? I am having trouble finding the balance here. I sometimes wonder if I really love h for who he is or for who I want him to be and thought that he would be in our M.
I often wonder if he really loves me for who I am or for who he wants me to be. I feel like I cannot share any emotions with him. I feel like he is not interested in my life. He doens't ask me many "engaging" questions, and the way for us to have a convo. is if I ask him questions about him and his stuff.
I hope that this is just something that will come with time as some of you have said. I'm confused right now and causing myself migraines...I have a lot to do, and a lot that I want to do, I just want him to be involved and to feel important to him.
So, now he says that this is no fun and that he is reluctant to plan things w/me b/c if they get cancelled I get upset. Well, I could see if it really WAS raining, but saying that it "might" rain seems to pansy-ish to me.
I must realize, however, that not everyone is as active as I am or likes to do as many diff. things as I like to do, or is as resourceful and determined as I am. So, why can't I apply that determination to my m?
thanks for reading. hope all is well with you, karen
