Quote: Through my own experience as a Class A Defender, I know that I personalized every single critical convo as a personal attack. When I launched my own defense, I'd go on counter attack and Mr. Wonderful would shut completely down. And we'd continue this miserable cycle.
Yes! Very well put!
Quote: Let's say for the sake of argument that you ARE attributing this insecurity to not being around H. What mechanisms can you employ (thought stopping) that would prevent you from entering such a cheeseless tunnel?
I meant that for some reason when I am AWAY from H, or when I was single, or when NOT is a serious R (I've only had a handful), I WOULD feel better about myself. I'm not one to get so lonely while being alone, but more lonely while being in an R. Why? Because I transfer all of my feelings onto the S.O. Just looking for a "knight in shining armor" to "rescue" me??? The expectations get put on to HIM to inflate my ego. While unattached or whatever, I don't have that expectation b/c there is no one there to put it on.
Quote: it seems pretty clear to me that when you start down the path of thinking negatively, you start acting on those thoughts. And then your H pulls back from you.
What do you think?
TOTALLY TRUE!!! The big thing here is for me to NOT act on it. Yesterday I ended up leaving a vm for H saying that re: our convo that I was trying to reassure him, but I didn't feel like he was reassured and that I just wanted to make it "clearer" or something like that. Later I wondered how BIG of a blubbering fool I sounded like. I knew I was in that "mode" yesterday...(Panic/anxiety/fearfulness) Does anyone have a creative name for it? So, I should KNOW not to make any calls, send any emails, or try to have a convo, but to get off my fanny and DO something. Even if at work I could go walk around the bldg. for a few min. outside to release some tension. As you see, I'm not good w/sitting still for v. long and at my job, that's all I do. I need to have memo cards or sticky notes reminding myself to ? focus on something else, that I'm in Funko Mode and need to stop ?
I feel like I am usually the one to call my friends to ask them to do something and that they don't call me. However, with the clubs, usually everyone is invited to everything-picnics, camping trips, biking trips, etc. I have PLENTY of projects to do by myself-I love to be crafty, I love to shoot pics of nature, I used to take my dog before she had pup on several hour long trips just to hike and take pics. Oh, if only I lived in CO!
I guess I'm still concerned about things like wanting H to think I'm having so much fun, staying out later than him, etc. Ya know...creating mystery. Saying I went to crop w/a bunch of ladies doesn't sound very exciting. But, it just may be time to give that up. I am 35 after all, and don't really feel the need to go "clubbing" a lot anymore. I would like to go out dancing sometimes though-even if it's line dancing or taking salsa lessons or whatever. YEAH! I want to dance!!! One of my new friends loves to dance too-that's the one that is traveling a lot. She doesnt' like to make commitments though as far as planning a night ahead of time. ??
What I enjoy most IS being either physically active or being creative. Perhaps on the evenings that H & I are just having din at home and not biking or hiking, I could incorporate a half hour or so to work on a "project" or my scrapbook, or whatnot, or take the dogs walking for half an hour. Seems like a manageable goal.
Last night I drove up to Cleve. for din. w/my sis. We had a good time, then we just hung out and played on the internet. Have you heard of the Lizard Man? Nevanna probably has!!!
H actually came home BEFORE 2am, and we chit chatted and I init. which was great. Def. one of the strong points of our M!! PROGRESS! PROGRESS! BABY STEPS! BABY STEPS!
OK, so I sound like a normal person today, right? (Well, relatively-haha). And yesterday I sounded weirded out...How can I be two diff. people? Am I Cybil? Would you tell me if I was??? How does anxiety take over my mind like that. Yes, I do know I have MORE control than I used to...keep swimming...
Tonight I'm going to a party and H is going to a race if the weather is dry. And, I am OK with this!
which was great. Def. one of the strong points of our M!! 
PROGRESS! PROGRESS! BABY STEPS! BABY STEPS! 
