Karen's New Thread

[Underdog]

Hey Karen,

I don't have much to add since my DSL is down and I'm on dial up. Oh, more to the point? Sage is taking this where I think you need to go.

No, Gray doesn't exactly discuss defending ourselves in Mars/Venus. What he DOES address is how we need to be validated. Men need validation as much as we do, but it takes on a different "language".

Through my own experience as a Class A Defender, I know that I personalized every single critical convo as a personal attack. When I launched my own defense, I'd go on counter attack and Mr. Wonderful would shut completely down. And we'd continue this miserable cycle.

Let's move along to Sage's thought, because it appears to have merit--she said:

So...I think Michele would ask "what was different about the time when you were feeling good?" It seems like you're attributing it to not being around h ... but are there other possibilities?

Let's say for the sake of argument that you ARE attributing this insecurity to not being around H. What mechanisms can you employ (thought stopping) that would prevent you from entering such a cheeseless tunnel?

I know you said in the past that visualizing a stop sign doesn't work for you. But it seems pretty clear to me that when you start down the path of thinking negatively, you start acting on those thoughts. And then your H pulls back from you.

What do you think?

Another thought... why is it that you feel you are the one to pursue friends? Are you setting yourself up for personalization here? There seem to be periods in my life where I want to be with my friends, but they have stuff going on, and can't make that commitment.

It doesn't mean that they don't want to be with me (again, not taking this as a personal rejection). I usually come up with something else I want or need to do: start painting my bedroom (uh, I have paint splats on it so I need to commit myself to finishing this project), sewing a cushion for my window seat, taking a walk, ANYTHING that doesn't involve other people.

Granted, I learned how to do this well when I moved to a part of the country where I didn't know a soul... but you don't have to go to that extreme to start doing things that you enjoy doing AND that don't require participation from others.

Part of finding yourself in a happy spot is going to require some creativity on your part to come up with the things that bring you joy, sweetie. That means you are doing them for yourself. It also requires a level of personal commitment to being friends with yourself first. Trust me, if you have children some day, you're going to need to learn how to do this so you don't go insane.

Gotta run! Have a good weekend!

Bets