I encountered that defensiveness during the course of my M as well. I can honestly tell you that it took months to see any change on this front. And quite frankly, Sage (again) has this pegged--you are going to have to be VERY patient, girl.
It took about 6 months AFTER I STOPPED CONTINUALLY DEFENDING MYSELF to finally see the results. Have you read Mars/Venus? Great plug for it here, because I think you might gain some understanding on how this works.
Yes, he's projecting anger on to you. But you seem to be doing the exact same thing. One of you is going to have to completely CEASE this modus operandi in order for this cycle to stop repeating itself. And it won't be easy or quick either.
Instead of defending your POV or your actions, why not try validating instead? For instance,
Quote: "I'm not treating you better b/c of how angry I am at you for the things that you have done?"
You might consider commenting, "Wow, I didn't realize you felt this way. I'm sorry you feel hurt by the things I've done." Once you can do this for a length of time without defending yourself, I'll advocate asking him to share the reasons with you.
Then you validate those reasons and shut up. It is not the time to bring your laundry list of his transgressions to the table... and he is definitely not looking to hear all the reasons why you are doing the things that you do that appear to hurt him.
Karen, you were doing just great with this when you were expecting less of him and yourself. I hope you can pick up this ball again, because it clearly worked to get you to a better and happier place.
What were you doing then that you are not doing now? Write them down, and start doing them again!!!
Have a great weekend!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 
