I have a massive headache. Had a long night. Some good some bad. Went bike riding w/my new male friend TZ, my gf S, and H. I had met this guy M when I went to Lake Erie in July and TZ referred to him as "your buddy M" and H didn't know what he was talking about b/c I never told him the details of my trip. I told H it was silly nothing to worry about. Later at home I asked H if he thought I would cheat on him and he said "what am I supposed to think?" I said this guy got 3 flat tires on the way to the island and called ME slow. I told TZ that he talks too much. I just thought it was rude of M, so now when TZ brings him up, he refers to him as "my buddy." And H asked, "what about TZ?" I said that he was nice and just a friend.
And H brought up the fact again that he thought I was so "casually indifferent" to being separated. I said that day at the lake I fought off tears all day b/c I wanted him to be there with me. I said, "do you really NOT know how much I love and care about you?" He said "I guess not," and that he just wondered why if I cared that I would sabotage our R. I told him I know it was bass-ackwards and that I know what I did was wrong, but it was BECAUSE I cared so much. For example, I wouldn't get jealous if I didn't care. I told him he didn't know me very well if he thought I would actually cheat and that I would have the balls to say something first and start legal proceedings before being with someone else. I also told him that although being sep. was one of the most difficult things for me, it was really good for me too.
I told him that when he went camping w/o me it was REALLY REALLY REALLY hard and that one gf said that maybe I just needed to feel the PAIN before changing. H said he missed me the most when he was on that trip.
I still feel like he blames me for everything. I said he can be difficult too, but he said "that's just everyday stuff, I don't try to SABOTAGE the R." I said, "but it's still destructive. Why would I want to be with a crabby husband?" (I think that was kind of a dig) He has not shown any remorse about lying other than saying a month ago that he was angry and went about things the wrong way. So, I felt like bringing up the lying, but figured that wouldn't get us anywhere. But I am curious... Let it go??? What to do??? I realize that I have made mistakes, but why can't he admit to having issues too??? We ended up ML and were up late. I told him that I thought we could get past this and he said he hopes so. But when??? Will that happen? Are we BOTH holding on to anger? Last week he was so happy to be with me, now I feel like it's back to the "I'm a bad wife" thing.
I wonder if he thinks I'm such a bad person, why is he still with me? Is this typical WAS behavior? yes...Is this something I just have to deal with? Continue to feel like I need to "prove" myself? And that it will take time for both of us to trust one another?
I asked him when he could get off work for vaca via email, and I haven't heard back. I thought he was going to check the calendar yesterday, but he didn't say anything. I know he was reluctant to make plans, but then he said that that shouldn't stop us.
