Oh, Karen. I'm so damn happy and proud of you! Your post gave me goosebumps! I think that the list you put together of what you learned is a tremendous asset to you moving forward...kind of like a touchstone!
Can't wait to hear more as you and h rebuild!
Yahoo!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks Ladies!!! So, this week went pretty well. I relaxed some which was nice b/c I had been avoiding being home so much that I just wanted to be home! Fri. we went out separately and Sat. he took me out to din. for my bday. Way to spread it out for 2 1/2 weeks, huh?? He asked what else I wanted to do. I suggested that we go see who is playing at local bar. Sign on the bar said who it was, and we didn't want to see them. So, he asked then what? I said "let's go snuggle." And he asked if I was SURE that I wanted to go home and not go anywhere else. I was, so we did.
I worked on my scrapbook all day Sat. w/some women at the library, and took my dogs hiking Sun. H & I went out to din. Sunday night as well. Lots of ML-mostly HIS initiation! There were a couple nights that I actually wanted to just snuggle!!
So, today a little anxiety is creeping in, which we know, I must nip in the bud. (Where did that saying come from anyway?) He told me yesterday he is going to the river this Friday (with his friends). My sis wants to go too, so I am going with her. H & I have been talking about things to do on Labor Day weekend. There is a festival at the river, but it's not the typical party thingy that they have on Fridays. H wants to go there two days and to cleveland festival one day. So, I'm not sure if he means him and ME go to the river (by home) on that weekend or if he is going with his friends. And I'm scared to ask even though I shouldn't be.
I also have a hard time making convo. with him sometimes. He's not a big talker at all and sometimes when I say stuff, he just says, "hmmm," or "you don't say" kinda sarcastically and I feel like he is not interested in what I have to say. I know he has never been a real big conversationalist...
But, things are still darn good! Just trying to hammer out the kinks I guess. It's just like there's this awkwardness-like I don't know what's "OK" to talk about and what's not. I'm not doing any R talks, but I am curious as to how he is feeling. I imagine he is still scared and needs to see more permanent change. We ARE planning vaca though for Oct or November!
Some of my friends have been less available lately and I feel like one is blowing me off. That's kind of bumming me out. But, my sis and her family are back from vaca, so I'll spend time with them.
H asked me what I was doing this week, and is essentially making his schedule around mine a little. Tomorrow he has band practice-they found a new drummer!
I've been meaning to post to you but time has been a little on the short side. I have to say I'm in total awe of your latest developments and how you have redefined yourself and your attitudes and behaviors. Man, you are a quick study!!!!
Suggestions. How about just putting things out on the table that you enjoy doing? Not for the intent on getting him to join you by doing things HE wants to do? See how willing he is to join you in filling up your own tank? Of course, I don't think you should over do it either....
Way to go!
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I feel like I know how to be confident by myself, but not in an R. Society is getting to me. There is so much emphasis on how women look...My mom sells avon and even THEY have come out with a breast firming cream. I'm small (B), but usually happy with myself, but then I start to second guess myself (and how H feels about me) when I see stuff like this.
Maybe I just need some time to myself tonight. I may do something with a friend of mine tonight depending on how she feels. I also need to be working on a take home test for work which is sooooooooooo dry and sooooooooo boring...
Hi, Last night I went to din. w/my gf. I came home, took a shower, and worked on my take home test. I was in "my" room and when H came home he went into the bathroom, then our room and laid down to read a book. We never come home w/o saying hello to each other. I was already in a weird mood...I went in and I said, "Don't you say 'hello'?" And he said, "hello." I said hello and went back to my room (w/o a hug or anything). This upset me. I did some more reading, then I went in there and hugged him and asked what was wrong. He said nothing. I asked why he didn't come to say hello. He asked why I didn't. I said, "usually b/c when you come home, you come find me to say hello." He said that since I was in "my" room that he thought I just needed some space/to do my own thing. I said that I was working on my test and that it's easier to sit up in there, (Real bed vs. water bed) and that it wasn't personal. He said he didn't take it personally and that he didn't want to disturb me. I said I wouldn't have minded and I cried a little bit. I told him I was afraid that he was doing his ignoring me thing. I did more work. When I came back to bed, he was asleep.
OK, so this wasn't the best way to act. This morning I debated whether or not to apologize, but then I thought "why should i? Aren't I allowed to have feelings? Will I ever have a husband who is willing to comfort me?" and felt a little pissy. However, I put that in check and acted very pleasant towards him. I was huggy and smoochy and smiley. I told him ILY and said good-bye.
I'm just having weird feelings. Like, will we ever be comfy with each other? Is it just me? Is he ever going to "cheer up?" He just seems so unhappy-w/work mainly, and I feel like he blames me for his unhappiness. So, I may be projecting a little. Or I may be just a little paranoid. I have a hard time dealing with his moods sometimes-like when he seems closed off and/or in his own head. But, I must go on...
And, tb(brutally)honest, I'm starting to do my hating him thing in my head. I'm angry about the river sit. how he won't go with me. I'm angry about him being angry with me and I want to feel like I can talk to him...but as we know, he has little to give if any right now. I know this is a test and that I must persevere. Why do I feel weaker around him? I'm too frickin' concerned about how HE feels!
I applied for two more jobs online last night! ttys, karen
{{{{Karen}}}} Isn't great when the light bulb finally goes off?? 
He asked what else I wanted to do. I suggested that we go see who is playing at local bar. Sign on the bar said who it was, and we didn't want to see them. So, he asked then what? I said "let's go snuggle." And he asked if I was SURE that I wanted to go home and not go anywhere else. I was, so we did. 
Or I may be just a little paranoid. I have a hard time dealing with his moods sometimes-like when he seems closed off and/or in his own head. But, I must go on...