And now, for the moment Pam has been waiting for:

8-7 I didn't talk to H much at all all week. I didn't go to the river on Friday. Saturday afternoon I went into our room to see H and I offered him the tix. He said that he didn't feel right accepting them b/c of our present state and that he didn't get me anything for our anniv. He said to take a friend. I asked if I could take him and he said no. So, Sunday I took a gf and we met a few of my new friends. We had a GREAT time. The concert was so good and we went to one of my fav. restaurants after.

Week of 8-9-no contact at all until thurs. the day of my bday.

8-12 My bday-H comes into my room in the morning and gives me hugs and kisses and wishes me happy bday. I reveled in touching him, esp. his face. He didn't say anything about the eve. so I did my usual not coming home after work. I met my mom & uncle at an outside band thingy and then I met some friends from the bike club for din. Then a handful of us went out for ice cream. I sat in the parking lot talking for a while.

It was an extremely difficult day for me. Several ppl at work asked what I was doing and asked if H was going or if I'd be with him. It was hard to fight back tears, but I did.

When I got home, there were a dozen red roses on the counter with a card. The card was a funny one and H wrote, "Look in the fridge. Enjoy. Love, H." I looked and there was a bottle of my fav. wine. (cheap but good-just the way I like 'em.) H was asleep so I got ready for bed, wrote thank you on a note on the counter & went to bed. Then I heard him get up and get on the computer. I didn't know what he was doing and I was in an emotional state so I didn't think it would be a good idea to go talk to him for fear of what I might say. Ya know?

8-15 Didn't cross paths with H at all. Sun. morn. we both wake up. He goes into office. I had gotten a phone call to get ready to go canoeing with some friends. I went in to office and said that I wanted to thank H in person for the flowers and wine. Hugged him. Chit chatted for a few, then I went about my business.

He comes to my room and says, "Can I ask you a question?" I say sure. So, he asks why it is that I had always been "crying broke" and now I'm out every night doing something. How am I affording it? I said that I had gotten a 0% credit card in which I transferred my two big interest rate card balances onto. And, that ppl had been buying me drinks and din. for the past week and a half, and that I really hadn't been spending much money. That that was one of the things in my life that I wanted to get straightened out.

He sits down. He asked me about me changing and why now? And was it not worth it to me before? I told him that there were 2 reasons: one being that even though I "knew" what I was supposed to do and ppl told me what to do, I had to learn it for myself. And 2. that I was so enmeshed in the prob. and how he felt about me, that I couldn't get a clear picture. Like I couldn't see the solution b/c I was so wrapped up in the prob. He said that even though he was angry with me, at the end of the day, he loved me. :'.) He said he was bothered that I had been acting so "casually indifferent" towards him and asked if our M was important to me. I said that this was THE most important thing to me. I said that I had made few commitments in my life, and this was one that I made before God, him and our families and that I was determined to keep it. He said that he wanted our M to work and that being sep. like this wasn't going to prove anything. So, he said "it's now or never" and to come back to bed with him tonight. We talked for a bit, then M passionate L. I asked him to go canoeing w/me & we had a really good time. On the way home, he couldn't keep his hands off of me so then we
ML again, and then went for Chinese for din.!!! I LOVE IT!!!

8-16 When I said good-bye to him in the morn. he told me ILY first! YAY!!!

In the eve. I worked a little late, went to store and walked dogs. We had carry out and snuggled, and well, ML again!

Tuesday, 8-17 one of my dogs had run off, so when I got home from work, H drove me around looking for her. After an hour and a half, we decided to get din. and then ice cream. At din. we talked about plans to go camping, on vacation, and what other stuff we want to do (separately and together.) I'll get more into that next time.

My gf asked me what I had learned from this and if I will keep doing my own thing. This is what I said:

I learned:
That I need him less than I thought I did.
That I love him more than I thought I did.
That I really want my M to work.
That I was trying too hard to make my M work.
That I must be more accepting, appreciative, loving.
That I must be less (or not at all) critical, jealous,
possessive.
That he turns me on like no other.
That I love him like no other.
That he loves me like no other.
That I turn him on like no other.
That even though we are diff., it's ok.
I will be more decisive w/what I want since he usually says he "doesn't care."
That I can meet my own needs. But, that I prefer that he meets some of them. **wink wink**
That I should have listened. But, I had to learn it
MYSELF.

Yes, I'll still do my own thing-obviously not every
day though! But, I will be less inclined to make my schedule around his. He's always welcome to do things with me, but if he's not interested-it's ok. And I need to not turn down things that I want to do b/c he doesn't want to
do them.

Thanks for reading. Take care.
karen812