Well, it's been a while, huh? I've been staying busy-away from home sometimes and sometimes not. H & I are still not saying too much to each other. HOWEVER...
I went to Lake Erie Sat. and spent the night. I packed up all the camping gear, but didn't end up camping b/c I would have had to sleep in a tent by myself or with a guy I just met that day. Sun. I came home, took a nap. (Didn't say anything to H.) He left to bike, I left for church and din. Came home after him, showered, went to bed. Who comes knockin' on my door? well, of course, it was H. He came in to see how I was doing. He asked where I ran off to. I said "tonight?" and he said no, yesterday. I told him Lake Erie and he said I could have told him. I said that I didn't think we were telling each other where we were going, and he said that that was different. He asked if I really thought the changes in myself were permanent and I said, yes definitely.
He asked me how and we talked for a bit. He told me that I was really turning him on with how I've been acting-or something to that extent. Last week he told me that I looked really good when I have my sh!t together. We were really huggy. I made a joke about him just wanting to get lucky...Well, we both got lucky. It was fantabulous! He told me it was really nice to see me smiling like I was. *big, genuine, sparkly.*
I got my pillow and slept in our room, hugged him g-b in the morn. That night, back to being broken up I guess. I asked him where I was supposed to sleep, he said he didn't know, so I went to my room. I didn't talk to him at all yesterday or this morn.
I really believe that things are going to come around eventually.
Although, part of me feels like it's convenient for him to be warm when he wants to ML. BUT, I KNOW that he is not one to have meaningless sex, and the 3 times we have ML since this sep., it has been so awesome, so connected, so emotional. And, I want it too...
Last night he went out, and I had some pangs of jealousy when I smelled his cologne. What is my prob.? I KNOW that he is not scamming on other women! So, then I was starting to get this angry, distancing feeling and wondering if I really want to be with him. Well, DUH, I know that I want to be with him! Fear ???
So, I had bought him tix for this concert this sunday, but I never actually gave him the tix. When I gave him his anniv. card, I just put a coupon in it saying, "concert, aug. 8." I also found a beautiful card about wishing I could go back in time...oh heck, here's what it says: i wish i could go back in time... back to those unspoiled moments in our r'ship before hurt ever touched our hearts, before doubt ever entered our minds. b/c if i could go back and start from those moments once more, i would hold you longer, never miss a chance to tell you how much you mean to me... and i would never, ever hurt you.
but i know we can't go back to those days. i know i can't erase the mistakes. i can't take away the questions you must have or the hurt we both feel. but i can assure you of one thing: i love you- as i did then and as i always will.
I'm debating-do I give him the card? Do I give him the tix? Put them in the card w/a note? Do I give them to him in person? If so, what do I say? "These are for you, so you can do whatever you want with them?" Of course, I want him to go with me, but reality is that he may very well just take a friend.
Someone suggested I take a diff. guy! Or give him one ticket! I said that I didn't think that that would get me to what I wanted. I KNOW BETTER!
Decisions...decisions... Well, the heat is SOOO HOT when he decides it's time for a conjugal visit, it's impossible to turn it up slowly! But I guess day to day...it can go up slowly. Do you check your yahoo em while you are at work Pam? **sigh** i'm only 34 for another week! karen
Hi, I have not talked to H all week. I stopped in his room to give him a hug on Wednesday night. That's all I did-I said Hi, hugged him and walked back to my room.
Last night I went to the river. Initially, I did not want to b/c last time it hurt to see him ignore me. It's easier when we are just not around each other. But, my sis wanted to go, so I went. I saw him talking to his ex-fiance and some of her friends. Later I saw him walking around as if by himself. His usual friend was not there. Later I saw ex-f and talked to her for a few min. Just hi, how are you doing? where working, etc. She actually told me where she and friends were going if I wanted to meet them. She seemed a little weird though. Before when I have talked to her, she was friendlier. ??
Oh well. Later I saw H talking to her again. I went to get my truk and I saw him walking w/her and her friends to parking lot. I spied. Or tried to. I parked and tried to watch for them to see what they would do/were doing. I saw her leave w/another girl, but didn't see him. He must have walked to his car earlier b/c she was talking to fire dept. guys. I thought maybe I saw him walking, but wasn't sure.
I went to where she said she was going, but I didn't see his car. I didn't go in. Went to eat something w/my sis and her friend. Her friend came to pick us up at river. I ended up getting into it a little w/friend. We were talking about the sit. I told her how he told me that he should be able to talk to whoever he wants to w/o me getting jealous. She was saying that H was "double-talking" me and that if something hurt me, he shouldn't do it. I said I was trying to be understanding of his point of view and that I see plenty of my ex's and I talk to them. H has met some, AND I have about 20x more ex's than H has. ???
OK, so I shouldn't have gotten this girl involved. Seems that my sis tells her stuff, she makes her opinion, and tells me. We talked it out though and she said she understood where I was coming from. (Again, I wanted reassurance-DUH, not to be hating him more.)
Yes, I got myself into a mess. I wish I just wouldn't have gone like I originally wanted. H was home sleeping when I got home, so I guess he wasn't out fooling around on me.
I still have not said anything to him about the concert. Uh, it's tomorrow!!! I will today. I am wondering if he will want to ML this weekend, and I'm sure I'll be quite tempted, but I don't know if I can if we are not moving towards being together. ya know??
8-7 I didn't talk to H much at all all week. I didn't go to the river on Friday. Saturday afternoon I went into our room to see H and I offered him the tix. He said that he didn't feel right accepting them b/c of our present state and that he didn't get me anything for our anniv. He said to take a friend. I asked if I could take him and he said no. So, Sunday I took a gf and we met a few of my new friends. We had a GREAT time. The concert was so good and we went to one of my fav. restaurants after.
Week of 8-9-no contact at all until thurs. the day of my bday.
8-12 My bday-H comes into my room in the morning and gives me hugs and kisses and wishes me happy bday. I reveled in touching him, esp. his face. He didn't say anything about the eve. so I did my usual not coming home after work. I met my mom & uncle at an outside band thingy and then I met some friends from the bike club for din. Then a handful of us went out for ice cream. I sat in the parking lot talking for a while.
It was an extremely difficult day for me. Several ppl at work asked what I was doing and asked if H was going or if I'd be with him. It was hard to fight back tears, but I did.
When I got home, there were a dozen red roses on the counter with a card. The card was a funny one and H wrote, "Look in the fridge. Enjoy. Love, H." I looked and there was a bottle of my fav. wine. (cheap but good-just the way I like 'em.) H was asleep so I got ready for bed, wrote thank you on a note on the counter & went to bed. Then I heard him get up and get on the computer. I didn't know what he was doing and I was in an emotional state so I didn't think it would be a good idea to go talk to him for fear of what I might say. Ya know?
8-15 Didn't cross paths with H at all. Sun. morn. we both wake up. He goes into office. I had gotten a phone call to get ready to go canoeing with some friends. I went in to office and said that I wanted to thank H in person for the flowers and wine. Hugged him. Chit chatted for a few, then I went about my business.
He comes to my room and says, "Can I ask you a question?" I say sure. So, he asks why it is that I had always been "crying broke" and now I'm out every night doing something. How am I affording it? I said that I had gotten a 0% credit card in which I transferred my two big interest rate card balances onto. And, that ppl had been buying me drinks and din. for the past week and a half, and that I really hadn't been spending much money. That that was one of the things in my life that I wanted to get straightened out.
He sits down. He asked me about me changing and why now? And was it not worth it to me before? I told him that there were 2 reasons: one being that even though I "knew" what I was supposed to do and ppl told me what to do, I had to learn it for myself. And 2. that I was so enmeshed in the prob. and how he felt about me, that I couldn't get a clear picture. Like I couldn't see the solution b/c I was so wrapped up in the prob. He said that even though he was angry with me, at the end of the day, he loved me. :'.) He said he was bothered that I had been acting so "casually indifferent" towards him and asked if our M was important to me. I said that this was THE most important thing to me. I said that I had made few commitments in my life, and this was one that I made before God, him and our families and that I was determined to keep it. He said that he wanted our M to work and that being sep. like this wasn't going to prove anything. So, he said "it's now or never" and to come back to bed with him tonight. We talked for a bit, then M passionate L. I asked him to go canoeing w/me & we had a really good time. On the way home, he couldn't keep his hands off of me so then we ML again, and then went for Chinese for din.!!! I LOVE IT!!!
8-16 When I said good-bye to him in the morn. he told me ILY first! YAY!!!
In the eve. I worked a little late, went to store and walked dogs. We had carry out and snuggled, and well, ML again!
Tuesday, 8-17 one of my dogs had run off, so when I got home from work, H drove me around looking for her. After an hour and a half, we decided to get din. and then ice cream. At din. we talked about plans to go camping, on vacation, and what other stuff we want to do (separately and together.) I'll get more into that next time.
My gf asked me what I had learned from this and if I will keep doing my own thing. This is what I said:
I learned: That I need him less than I thought I did. That I love him more than I thought I did. That I really want my M to work. That I was trying too hard to make my M work. That I must be more accepting, appreciative, loving. That I must be less (or not at all) critical, jealous, possessive. That he turns me on like no other. That I love him like no other. That he loves me like no other. That I turn him on like no other. That even though we are diff., it's ok. I will be more decisive w/what I want since he usually says he "doesn't care." That I can meet my own needs. But, that I prefer that he meets some of them. **wink wink** That I should have listened. But, I had to learn it MYSELF.
Yes, I'll still do my own thing-obviously not every day though! But, I will be less inclined to make my schedule around his. He's always welcome to do things with me, but if he's not interested-it's ok. And I need to not turn down things that I want to do b/c he doesn't want to do them.
It was fantabulous! He told me it was really nice to see me smiling like I was. *big, genuine, sparkly.* 
Or give him one ticket! I said that I didn't think that that would get me to what I wanted. I KNOW BETTER! 
