Well, it's been a while, huh? I've been staying busy-away from home sometimes and sometimes not. H & I are still not saying too much to each other. HOWEVER...

I went to Lake Erie Sat. and spent the night. I packed up all the camping gear, but didn't end up camping b/c I would have had to sleep in a tent by myself or with a guy I just met that day. Sun. I came home, took a nap. (Didn't say anything to H.) He left to bike, I left for church and din. Came home after him, showered, went to bed. Who comes knockin' on my door? well, of course, it was H. He came in to see how I was doing. He asked where I ran off to. I said "tonight?" and he said no, yesterday. I told him Lake Erie and he said I could have told him. I said that I didn't think we were telling each other where we were going, and he said that that was different. He asked if I really thought the changes in myself were permanent and I said, yes definitely.

He asked me how and we talked for a bit. He told me that I was really turning him on with how I've been acting-or something to that extent. Last week he told me that I looked really good when I have my sh!t together. We were really huggy. I made a joke about him just wanting to get lucky...Well, we both got lucky. It was fantabulous! He told me it was really nice to see me smiling like I was. *big, genuine, sparkly.*

I got my pillow and slept in our room, hugged him g-b in the morn. That night, back to being broken up I guess. I asked him where I was supposed to sleep, he said he didn't know, so I went to my room. I didn't talk to him at all yesterday or this morn.

I really believe that things are going to come around eventually.

Although, part of me feels like it's convenient for him to be warm when he wants to ML. BUT, I KNOW that he is not one to have meaningless sex, and the 3 times we have ML since this sep., it has been so awesome, so connected, so emotional. And, I want it too...

Last night he went out, and I had some pangs of jealousy when I smelled his cologne. What is my prob.? I KNOW that he is not scamming on other women! So, then I was starting to get this angry, distancing feeling and wondering if I really want to be with him. Well, DUH, I know that I want to be with him! Fear ???

So, I had bought him tix for this concert this sunday, but I never actually gave him the tix. When I gave him his anniv. card, I just put a coupon in it saying, "concert, aug. 8." I also found a beautiful card about wishing I could go back in time...oh heck, here's what it says:
i wish i could go back in time...
back to those unspoiled moments
in our r'ship
before hurt
ever touched our hearts,
before doubt
ever entered our minds.
b/c if i could go back
and start from those moments
once more,
i would hold you longer,
never miss a chance
to tell you
how much you mean to me...
and i would never,
ever hurt you.

but i know we can't go back
to those days.
i know i can't erase the mistakes.
i can't take away the questions
you must have
or the hurt we both feel.
but i can assure you of one thing:
i love you-
as i did then
and as i always will.

I'm debating-do I give him the card? Do I give him the tix? Put them in the card w/a note? Do I give them to him in person? If so, what do I say? "These are for you, so you can do whatever you want with them?" Of course, I want him to go with me, but reality is that he may very well just take a friend.

Someone suggested I take a diff. guy! Or give him one ticket! I said that I didn't think that that would get me to what I wanted. I KNOW BETTER!

I don't know if the card would be too "chasing."

Also, my bday is next week!

ttys,
karen