Thought I’d update a little...still waiting on the books, should be able to start reading next week, but you all have been so busy posting that I've had a lot to read, and you’ve all got me thinking.
The past few weeks I’ve gone out of my way to be pleasant, trying to initiate hugs, even kisses, and he’s becoming more receptive. This afternoon he actually allowed me to kiss him, on the lips, something that I don’t remember when it last happened. I think I mentioned somewhere that we moved the living room around a few weeks ago for a party we had, and moved the couch in front of the TV (where there had been two chairs), H seems to be happy with this arrangement, and agreed we shouldn’t move it back. (our evening routine includes sitting in front of the TV for an hour or so before bed, I see it almost as his ’sex’, since it seems very important to him, and he gets very grumpy when I beg out to get to bed ’early’)
I haven’t had any ’conversations’ yet, decided to wait for the books for that. I’ll admit, I’m chicken. In the past my attempts to bring the subject up have either been laughed off, or ignored, when I’ve told him I’m unhappy, he gets defensive and extremely grumpy, yelling at anyone who crosses his path.
I notice that it’s easy for me to come up with things I need to work on: Loose weight, become more organized with house, and in general, find someway to gain at least a little financial ’independance’, and that these are things I would do for myself, but it’s harder for me to list what I want from him.
It’s encouraging to me to hear that a lot of the HDS here find that their EC dwindles after going without sex for a while. Makes me think that maybe mine would get better as things get warmer, ’cause right now, it is an effort for me to be pleasant and affectionate, or even to receive the pleasantries he’s starting to throw my way.
I mentioned about the cultural aspect. A few years ago, I did go through an identity crisis, trying to figure out why I had stayed here, where I fit in, what I wanted my identity to be. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t lived outside their birth culture, but there are numerous little differences that one has to deal with each day, living in a different culture and speaking a different language. You don’t realize all the things that influence you as a child, and how much you share with the people around you untill the people around you have had a completely different childhood. On one hand, it gives you a strong core sense of self, but it can also make you lonely at times. During my crisis, I felt as though I was loosing my identity, and really wanted to avoid most things (including H) having to do with my adopted country.
I’m not sure if I ever really ’got over’ the crisis, I notice now I’m more comfortable speaking Finnish, and acting ’Finnish’ as long as I keep my connections to the US strong. Spending last summer there with the kids helped a lot. I had to really push for that trip, and it would help me a lot if H really understood how important it is to me to keep up the connection with the States, and my family. He doesn’t discourage it, but doesn’t make it easy either.
I wonder too, how much raising our children bilingually/biculturally helps to errode things. I don’t think it would hurt at all if the R was ok to begin with, but when things are not going well, it’s one more thing that hurts. Meaning, I find at times I get resentful when the kids seem very ’Finnish’, and I know my husband does the same when they act ’American’. H and I can use language with the kids to exclude the other (ie, H will speak Finnish to ask the kids something he knows I will hear, but doesn’t want me to comment on)
Housework is a major issue in our household as well. With 4 kids and H and I with full time jobs, it can be chaos around here. I know it bothers H more than me, and I try to keep up, but it bothers me that his main contribution is to point out what needs to be done. He does have his own office which he takes care of, but otherwise, he’ll leave his stuff wherever. I thought, like GEL that this was a comment on my own housekeeping skills, but my attempts at keeping things in order haven’t brought on changes from him yet.
I guess what gets me most is that in a lot of ways he’s seperated himself from the family. Instead of ’dealing’ with the chaos that can be morning with our bunch, he sleeps in EVERY weekend or day off, coming down to breakfast (which I make) after the kids are done, then turns on the radio and reads the paper. After which he usually goes to the computer room or off somewhere else to do ’stuff’. Then he complains to me that the kids don’t come into the bedroom to wake him up, or call to him like they do me.
Before the last few weeks, his main interaction with the kids would be just before bedtime to get them to clean their rooms, which would always end in major screaming. To the point that I would intervene. Then if I would raise my voice to the kids (nowhere near as loud), he would get upset with me, asking me what gave me the right to get mad at them, when I got mad at him for yelling. I explained that first, I had spent time with them all day, and second, when I do loose my temper, I explain afterwards that I had gotten mad, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love them, etc. etc.
I will say that he’s been much better on that count in the past few weeks. My fear though, is that right now, it’s easy. It’s summer, we’re both on vacation, and I’m being pleasant and not making demands. I’m afraid what will happen when we both go back to work, it starts getting dark (H has SAD), and I start ’turning up the heat’. I’m hoping that if we can get the intimacy working, he’ll relax...
This is already too long and rambling, so I’ll stop for now.
