Hello heap... welcome to what I like to call Purgatory... the first stop in a journey towards the proverbial heaven (and that would be communication in your relationship!). I hope you find a lot of things to think about and even more things to assist you in breaking out of your "shell."
Quote: Our evening routine has fallen into the routine of once the kids are in bed, we spend sometime doing our 'own thing', I pick up and do chores, he sits in front of the computer, I usually do answer some e-mails, or whatever, and then we sit in front of the TV for an hour or so before going to bed (him with book and candy to avoid talking to me). If I suggest that we go to bed early or talk, he usually counters with 'well, I have things to do...'
Wow, that's a very similar routine to my own. Once D6 and D2 are asleep and the kitchen is clean, my W crochets while we drink coffee and watch TV. I have come to see this as her "book and candy" (as you referred to your H's defense mechanism).
I can tell you what works really well for me: I grab the remote and TURN OFF THE TV. Then, I make a statement about my intentions to talk with her, such as, "I've been thinking about our marriage, and I need to tell you a few things that I'm thinking about" (or something similar). My W usually puts her crafts away and listens. Then, we have a good talk... or at least she listens while I talk.
If you "make a bold statement" by turning off the TV and talking to your H, you will see how he reacts. My guess is that he'll be "standoffish" or non-committal (like my wife was the 1st few times). Still, you have made your intentions clear to him... that you want to talk. So, you can talk and hope that he hears you. There's really not much else that you can do. If he really gets upset, then you should ask him when a good time is. Make a date and stick with it. I know it's difficult, but it does work.
One of the most important things that I've learned from here on DB.com is this: you can't change your spouse, and you can't expect them to want to change just because you ask them to. What you CAN do is change your own way of thinking and doing. Make yourself better and become more aware of how life is affecting your family.
The SSM book is a great resource for spouses who recognize that a M is not fulfilling without sex. Please do read it. It helps. And, you can hug your H without him hugging you back... I hope that that's still OK.
Good luck with your evening... be bold... turn off that TV and say something to your H!
