Summer finally arrived here this week - it's been cold and rainy up 'till now, so I've been spending the days at the lake with the kids.

I've been thinking about goals:

1. Getting (and reading) PM and TSSM.
This is harder than it sounds - as I said, I have to order on-line, and since H deals with all the finances, I will have to bring up before that I'm ordering something, does he want to anything, etc. (we don't order too often, and always try to combine 'cause of shipping). Not sure what his reaction will be if he knows what I'm ordering, may get a bit defensive.

2. Be pleasant and friendly. in order for me to even consider dealing with any 'real' issues, I'm going to have to be pleasant, and try to engage him in some kind of light conversation first. If he feels stressed, or at all uncomfortable, he retreats and gets quiet (he's quiet anyway, so this means almost silence).

I would like a kiss and hug when he leaves for work, and when he gets home (while I'm on vacation - otherwise when I get home from work), and a kiss and hug goodnight (even this is a *big* step - for the past year or so he comes to bed with candy and a book, and if I try to be affectionate or even just talk he pushes me away 'I think you should just go to sleep' is the usual response.)

3. Start a conversation about our lack of intimacy. This one is the hardest. First i have to find a time that he'll listen - previous attempts ar always met with 'Not right now' (and he refuses to set a time) or just making himself completely unavailable.

I did write him a letter a couple of weeks ago in which I said that I was hurt by his lack of affection, and that I wanted to have physical intimacy in our relationship. There were other things in the letter, refering to a previous argument, and he has brought these up, but hasn't made any mention of the intimacy issue. I did say that it was important to me that he comment on what I said in the letter, so I guess I could call him on that.

In the past, when I've really pushed him on something (nothing this 'delicate'), it works that first he ignores my request as long as possible, 'till it gets to a point where a decision *has* to be made, and then he tries to get out of it by attacking me ('you haven't done anything' - or 'why do you bother me with things like this' 'why did you wait 'till now to bring it up' etc. etc.) and it takes me a while of calmly answering these attacks several times before he realizes that he's not going to push me to anger (so that he can blame me for blowing up, and give him an out) before he will finally do what I've asked.

I think I will wait 'till I've been able to read at least some of the books. My main concern is that in the past, when he knows I'm uncomfortable and have made it known to him, he tends to take it out verbally, especially on the kids. His vacation starts next week, and I'm torn between using this as a good time to bring this up, and just building on the friendly atmosphere that we've had for the past couple of weeks.

I want to be sure I can address this without coming off sounding like I'm attacking him.