I’m a newcomer here, but early on in my browsing I stumbled across this section, and I feel this is where I belong. I’ve been reading here for about a month now, getting to the point where I almost feel I know some of you, so thought it was about time I posted a little about myself. I haven’t read SSM or PM yet, and it will probably be a little while before I get a chance to, so I hope you’ll bear with me.
H and I are both 40, together 16 yrs, married almost 10. Children: D8, D6, and twin 4yr old boys.
The last time we ML? The boys were born in April 00, a month early...you can do the math if you want.
Things had been steadily going downhill from the time we moved in together about 2 yrs before we got married, but I did love my H, so figured it was just ’normal’. When I was pregnant with D8, about 3 mos into the pregnancy, things stopped. I definately did not have LD problems during pregnancy, just the opposite, but I finally got tired of being pushed away, so I stopped asking.
Same cycle with D6, then due to lots of stress in H’s life, things really dried up, emotionally as well. The boys were a result of a new start to our life, and I had ’pushed’ a lot to start an emotional and physical connection again, which resulted in our ML once...
I’ll admit that having 4 children under 5 was a little much for me, and all my energy in the first couple years was focused on them. With all of my kids, I was not a pleasant person to be with due to sleep deprevation, etc. and I’m sure I didn’t make things easy on my H, but I had been pushed away, even when just trying to kiss or be near him so many times, that I pulled away emotionally myself. There are cultural issues as well, H’s culture is a lot less demonstrative about, well anything, than Americans tend to be, and we live in his country.
About a year ago, as I wasn’t so tied to the kids any more, I started to look at our R again, and realized how bad things were. I thought about leaving, I had thrown the D word out in blow-ups before, but there is no way I could leave, and of course I know it doesn’t really solve anything, and probably makes things worse for the kids.
I tried to talk with H, tried to make him understand that I was unhappy, and wanted to work on our M and try to ’find each other’ again, suggested C, but that made him very defensive, and he pulled away more, and we went through a year of yelling, and he tends to take it out on the kids (verbally).
So I tried just accepting things, which makes him happy, but doesn’t do anything for me. At this point, I’m not so sure any more how to approach him. I did write a letter a little over a week ago, after a big blow-up, and if nothing else, he’s been a little more friendly, meaning he doesn’t completely ignore me. So I guess I’m searching for a better way of dealing with this.
I'm sorry you're here but glad that you decided to post. As you already know from your reading, we empathize with you and understand exactly how you feel. We applaud your desire to work on you/your R.
The first thing that comes to my mind (when something other than sex comes to my mind ) is to ask what your H claims to be the reason for his absence of desire for sex? 4+ years is a longggg time to go w/o sex. Was that his plan for sexual frequency before you M? Is he happy w/how things are or just happy not to be arguing about sex?
Best wishes for positive changes for you!
Mike - official greeter, but not much good offering advice
Welcome to the boards. I know some of what you are going through, at least with the twins ... I have 3 1/2 yr old twins. Has your H been to his Doctor to rule out any medical reasons?
The first thing that comes to my mind (when something other than sex comes to my mind ) is to ask what your H claims to be the reason for his absence of desire for sex? 4+ years is a longggg time to go w/o sex. Was that his plan for sexual frequency before you M? Is he happy w/how things are or just happy not to be arguing about sex? -----------------------------------------------------------------
We never really discussed frequency before we were married. While we were dating, it was high, about once a day even several years into the R. Going through my old journals recently, I found I had written shortly after we moved in together something along the lines of 'we haven't made love for over a week, but somehow I feel more connected to him'.
I guess I was brought up believing that sex shouldn't be the most important part of a relationship, so I didn't make a big deal about it, we were happy otherwise. I became much more comfortable with myself sexually as our relationship progressed - once the emotional connection was there, I was very HD. Especially after the kids, and while I was pregnant, which is when he really started pulling away.
As far as is he happy? He seems content as long as I give the impression I am. I seem to remember that I did most of the initiating after the first year or so, and I know I did for the last time we ML (or more correctly, I initiated, but after cuddling for a while, he went to sleep, and waited 'till I had fallen asleep to wake me). During one discussion last year, he said that the reason was because of my short temper - if I didn't always get so angry, he might feel closer towards me. I think I said at the time that the reason I would get so short tempered is because of no ML...probably not the best response
Since then I've worked on my temper, and if we manage to go a week or so without me 'insulting him' somehow (his words), he will go so far as to give me a hug or kiss. I know he uses porn, always has...at one point he did share it with me, but now I suspect he uses it so that he won't have to 'deal' with me.
ugh, it feels horrible to write this. It took me a long time before I talked about it at all, I guess that was my way of dealing. It's not too fun to see it in print.
Your sitch has similar elements to several others here, which you may have read. Mr. HoneyPot is very affected by her "happiness" quotient, sexually and otherwise. (I confess this affects me, too, although I'm ready for sex no matter what. ) Mr. MegaMojo was depriving her and using porn when she first came to the BB.
I can't suggest strongly enough that you read TSSM. That's how I found this site, and from a recommendation posted, PM. These 2 books were the catalyst for major changes in my M. Not only are we having sex again (pretty regularly, too), but more importantly I've regained my self-respect. In fact, I got it back before the sex started. I owe that to those books and will be forever grateful.
You're among "fixers" here. Those are the ones in the R that try to make things better. We've been through the ups and downs of trying to change our S, feeling hopeless, giving up, and back again. Most have concluded that trying to change our S won't work, we can only "fix" ourselves. The good news is that changing yourself will change your R.
You'll get (some) great stories from MegaMojo, play by play sexual info from HoneyPot and SuperDave, PM speak from AtlDave and Tim47, slapped around by Corri, bragging about past sexual exploits from NOPkins, and great jokes from HairDog, just for starters. Occassionally, you'll have to overlook the sound of the HDM banging our heads on our keyboards as the HDW talk about how much they want/need sex. All in all, it's a terrific bunch of people in various stages of horniness doing the best we know how in our M.
Hi Kathy, Welcome...and sorry that you're here. I found this BB to really help me express my feelings and get feedback from some very bright and wonderful people( and don't let Mike fool you). I can relate to your putting your energy into the kids while the intimacy in the marriage falls to the wayside; in my case, I did a lot of the damage that I am trying to correct now. It was very sad and painful to see that as my kids got bigger and I finally was able to turn toward my H he had little desire for me. The good news is that I have changed things around and am now enjoying a more connected relationship w H. We still have a ways to go so you'll be seeing a lot of me here. All my best, Journey
Hi Heapmom....sorry to hear about your situation, but as you can see you aren't alone :-)
There are a few of us women posting on here (as I'm sure you've seen) that also have LDH's. Mine is one of them...although we're working on it. One thing we discovered via counseling and you'll also read this in SSM is that men/women often let other things in life interfere with emotional/sexual intimacy with their partner. The other things in life take precendence and you're left sitting on the back burner...sucks doesn't it? My LDH finally admitted in one of our sessions that he always had something else on his mind...something else he had to do...to the point that he always physically exhausted himself, leaving nothing for me. I felt so unimportant to him...like I told him....I didn't feel I was even in his top 10 list of priorities...my son was up there, which of course was great, but I felt that even his household chores came before I did...and that's not a good thing.
Now for my next question....does he ever initiate or are you always left to do that? From your initial post I'm not quite sure...prehaps I'm just not fully awake yet (which is definitely possible with a 1yr old at home) but that area was a bit vague. It's sounding to me that there's quite a bit going on for both of you.
Can you give a bit more of a detail as to what you've tried, how he's responded....does he approach you etc.
Don't give up...there's always hope....and if you didn't have hope you wouldn't be here ;-)
I know exactly what you mean...before my H and I really started addressing our problems I found myself becoming very resentful. That resentment led to angry glares, fuming, stone cold moments, defensiveness, pushing away, depression, low self esteem and just downright awkwardness between us. I tried to use my sense of humor to deal with things, but I always seemed to end up saying something insulting even though I thought I was trying to be funny....I know now (and I knew then too) that my dealing with things in that manner was the wrong approach. But lets face it...it can be hard to be empathetic to someone when you feel so hurt by them...but it can be done.
I notice that you mention that things took a turn when the kids came along...do you think it's possible he thinks you may not view him as being as important as the children? Is it possible he feels he's not one of the items at the top of your priority list?
You should be very proud of yourself for finally communicating this problem with someone (albiet you don't know us personally...sometimes there's a benefit to that :-) Getting things out in the open, receiving feedback and realizing you aren't alone is really a big help.
Yes, I intend to read both TSSM and PM when I get a chance, it's just that here I can't run to the local library or book store to pick them up, and I'm not really able to put an on-line order in without H knowing about it, and I don't want to put him on the defensive, as things have been going well (everywhere else but the bedroom) right now. So it will be a little while before I get them.
My H did have a pretty thorough check-up a short while ago, though there were no blood tests, but I suspect that if there's a physical problem, it's more to do with stress. My husband does get very anxious, and really right now, he doesn't have any releases - his 'hobbies' actually end up being more work than his full-time job, and he's not a social person.
We had 100 people here last weekend - I insisted on having a combined b'day party for both of us and anniversary party - our 10th is coming up in Sept. He got drunk, and talked with friends, probably more than he has in at least a year. He's been rather friendly this week, playing games with the kids, joking...so I know it has something to do with stress.
About who initiates...I don't honestly remember much about the dynamics in the beginning, I know there were times I did, but I know he did as well. We often jsut went to bed together, started cuddling, and went on from there, so it was a mutual thing. As things slowed down, I remember that most times he would wait 'till after I had fallen asleep, and wake me up.
I do think that the kids had a big impact - that he feels 'put out' a little. He became demanding in other areas after the kids arrived, complaining about the housework but not offering to help, expecting me to cook for him at odd hours and times, as if that was how he could get my affection.
When I was pregnant with D8, it took me a month or so to convince H that he wouldn't hurt me by ML. then for the next few months, things were better than they had been in several years. Then as I got big, he pulled away.
I haven't approached him really since the last time we ML 5 yrs ago. Mainly since he would pull away from me any time I tried to kiss, or even touch him. I'm home in the summer, so things are much more layed back, and friendlier, but in the winter, our schedules collide, and we often only see each other in the morning as he goes to work and at night when I get home (after 10).
He stays up late, in front of the computer, sleeps in untill just before he goes to work, and sleeps late on weekends as well, again spending most of his time in front of the computer. So often in order to start a conversation, I have to go into 'his space' in his computer room and he gets very defensive. When I've tried to 'make a date' to talk, he'll just laugh it off.
We went out to dinner a few weeks ago, and outside of him answering small talk I made, there was silence. Not that that is so unusual for parents of small children. I guess I have to make a lot more time for just us. It's hard when I know it's going to take a lot before we even get to a place where we can talk to each other.
I know that I've enabled him to do this by not calling him on it. When I do, he gets angry, and withdraws completely, and will start yelling at the kids for any small offense. I've become angry, resentful, tired of the rolled eyes and him ignoring what I say. There's even a part of me that doesn't want this to work.
I'll bet he's "using" internet porn. If he's good with computers and you're not, he could easily hide most evidence of this. Since I'm better with computers than my H,I easily figured out how to "spy" on his internet activity back in my days of crazy desperation. I'm sure some of the computer savvy people on this board could tell you how to do the same. I don't necessarily recommend this. It's a bit like opening Pandora's box, but it can be kind of helpful if it makes you angry enough to take action.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
) is to ask what your H claims to be the reason for his absence of desire for sex? 4+ years is a longggg time to go w/o sex. Was that his plan for sexual frequency before you M? Is he happy w/how things are or just happy not to be arguing about sex?
I owe that to those books and will be forever grateful.
