My update: We have been at a kind of sexual standstill lately as I address the enthusiasm issue. H has been willing and cooperative in bed which is nice, but it still lacks something for me. I am having a hard time expressing what it is I feel I need, but it goes along the lines of wanting to see him add new ideas and be more open. The other day he told me that he feels like a trained puppy and I said to him that he chooses to feel that way. I am glad that he was able to verbalize what is going on inside for him, but if I want things to change I know I have to stay with this. Something must be getting through because last nite he jumped into the bathtub with me, and even though we acted like two kids playing with bubbles rather than erotic lovers, it was fun and intimate. We are going away on Wed with the kids and other family so I think for now I will let up on things , take the pressure off and escape a bit. Journey
Hi HP... The puppy comment was in response to my recent way of addressing my wants/needs, focusing in on what I want in a firm way and the reason for it. He senses my seriousness and has changed his behavior ( this applies to nonsexual areas as well) which is a good thing, but obviously he has underlying resentment and feels trained. I used to be focused on all the things that made me pissed off and how I wished I could change him and tried to explain his actions in a psych way...for example, say he was late for dinner, I would be upset and tell him he was acting like an adolescent, that he doesn't want to grow up, etc. and at my most annoying would throw in something about his father or some other analysis that he'd tune out from. I have completely shifted my point of view to focus on what I need to be happy. So if I go back to that example I would say something like, " I need you to be home on time for dinner to feel like this is a relationship based on love and respect," and if that didn't work, I would repeat the same message and throw in a consequence line like " I can't stay connected to you when I don't feel your love and respect, and I don't know what that means for us." Anyway, like I said, his actions have improved in many ways, he is showing me he is trying, but he keeps hitting the minimum bar ( in this instance, let's say, he's coming home for dinner on time, is eating his meal pleasantly , when I was hoping he'd come home with dessert)! It was helpful to hear his " puppy training" comment because that's what it does feels like-- he is being a good pup when I want him to be his own dog. I can't seem to take this to the next level. Journey- who needs to get a new leash on life
I just got my period which may help explain my failure to HOM last nite w H and instead become emotional and weepy and needy for his desire. We are going away tomorrow for 1o days and I am beginning to snap out of my funk; I am going to tap into feeling like a desirable woman as well as just enjoy the change of scenery and relax. It'll all be waiting for me when I get back.
Have a great week everyone...love and hugs to all! Journey
Well, why not just say exactly what you wrote in your post... I think you put it beautifully...
"I would like you to stop saying these things because it makes me feel that our LMing is in some way wrong."
I think you are probably correct in your intuition that your H's comments are reflective of "indulgence guilt." I do not think it necessarily reflects a lack of sincere desire to ML. Many times, this sort of guilt is "inspired" by religious indoctrinations.
You're right, overt analysis is not the way to go. Most people respond poorly to "being analyzed" by others, especially those close to them. But there's no reason you can't encourage him to analyze himself. As in lightly saying "Hey, I notice you often say "XYZ" after we ML. I wonder what that's about." If he gets defensive the thing to say is always "But you're fascinating to me!...I want to know you." You'll have him pondering the source of those statements in no time.
