I am noticing this pattern w that after ML my H will make a statement like "that's it for awhile," "this was too much," " we need a break," etc. Now, I'd like to say it's because I am such a vixen that I wear the poor guy out, but I'll stay with reality. It reminds me of the kinds of things you might say after indulging in big meal because you're feeling guilty. My H is a very diciplined person and has some self-punitive qualities and as much as I would like to analyze him and what this means( as a way of fixing it) I know by now this is not the right approach. These expressions are not indicative of his future behavior---our frequency has stayed consistent--- but I would like him to stop saying these things because it makes me feel that our LMing is in some way wrong. I am thinking I might overreact so I'd like to address it PM style the next time it happens. Any suggestions?
This is typical duty/mercy sex talk. He obviously is not into the whole sex thing. My wife also says similar things BEFORE sex. I will do all kinds of foreplay on her, even give her an orgasam orally. Then she finally is willing to have sex. She will roll over and say somethin stupid like, "OK, let's take care of you"! All of these expressions are just HUGE indicators of people that are only going through the motions, they have no desire for sex. It really makes the HD spouse wonder if any of this is even worth it.
Quote: It reminds me of the kinds of things you might say after indulging in big meal because you're feeling guilty.
You might just try confronting his statements with humor. You could reply "Yes, we better take a break. The warranty on your penis ran out yesterday, so you know it's probably going to break pretty soon." or "Yes, this is really too much. I was reading just this morning that frequent sex with your spouse is very bad for your health." or "Yes, we better conserve your energy for cleaning out the garage this weekend." If you don't think it is a big deal, don't treat it like it is, but don't let it slide either.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I would like him to stop saying these things because it makes me feel that our LMing is in some way wrong.
Wow...it really helps to post here. I just recognized this as fusion. Why should I let his statements make me feel that our LMing is wrong? I just need to find a way to counter his view with my own, maybe using humor as MM said. J
J, It sounds like performance anxiety to me. Like he is worried that you will want the same thing the next day and he is worried he can't live up to it, so he throws out a preemptive strike and announces that "that was enough" for a while. I don't know that you can do anything about this. It might be something that he needs to struggle through on his own. However, I do agree with you that it would be nice if the announcements stopped! You could use humor (that always works for me in those situations); you could say something like "What makes you say that?" and see if he will talk about his thoughts; or you could beat him to the punch and say it yourself: "Boy that wore me out! No more for us til this weekend!" I have used all of these myself and have had equal results with them--all good.
I think that this is a distinct difference between an LD man and an LD woman--the confidence issue. I can see why all LD partners have shaky confidence but the men have to deal with actual physical performance as well. Also they are socialized from an early age to expect that their woman will never be able to keep up with them--what a blow to hear, Come on you big dud where's my lovin?!
So keep on doing what you're doing--being supportive and loving and firm..he'll get there!
Wow, HP, I hadn't thought of it that way but that makes so much sense. He is, in effect, taking the pressure off by announcing that the next time won't be in the immediate future. Then a few days pass and he sees he is ready again. Lately the EC has been off; maybe I can work on saying a "how close I feel to you" type thing before he comments on how it's all too much.
I had a difficult morning. I woke up feeling sorry for myself that there has been little emotional connection lately ( back to feeling like roommates); H was busy in his morning routine and gave me the requisite hug. My thoughts started to dwell on life here a year ago when I felt completely spearated from him and how awful that was, and I started to feel anxiety that the same thing is happening. I really thought I was over all this.
The good part is that I finally said to myself, " In what way am I different this year than last?" I realized that I didn't have to stay silent in this, and I had the tools to hold onto myself and express how I am feeling and what I feel I need. A year ago I would have been angry at H for not being tuned into me and for going about his life in a happy way, feeling content with the lack of intimacy and knowing if I did try to say anything it would be ignored anyway.
Anyway, I approached H and said that I am feeling disconnected from him ( no blaming on my part for his role in it) and that I'd like to feel closer. We hugged, and then he said that he thought I was emotionally drained ( I have a dear friend whose daughter is in the hospital; yesterday, thank god, they ruled out leukemia). I denied this was the case( although now I see his point) and repeated that I just wanted to feel closer with him. He held me some more, and I actually got up the courage to say that I felt I needed some ( sexual) intimacy tonite, to which he replied, " If you need that on any nite, just ask me," which was so compassionate, and so different from last year, I nearly cried.
Oh Journey, I'm nearly crying. That is so wonderful.
I know it must have been scary to lay yourself on the line in that way but aren't you glad you did? What a great response from him and a cool way to start your morning!
