KAW, this makes my heart ache for you even more... I love D and hate what choices he (and H) make at times.
Hi all,
Feelin' a bit blue...brought up the PA issue after dinner tonight and it didn't go well.
Can't say I was on my best DB behaviour as these snippets from my journalling will no doubt attest.......
Four days to the start of classes. Two years after my world fell apart. What’s changed?
Much of this will be tainted, no doubt by the argument of minutes past. I dared bring up our sex life again, or lack thereof to be more accurate. It was during/after dinner. Not sure now it came up. Asked CJ if he realized it had been a YEAR since we ML. Immediately the mood changed from one of companionability to one of defensiveness.
He brought up again his idea of :”timing”…main thrust being his opportune time is early morning. (7-9) And the fact that in our last discussion (long prior to our early afternoon, rather gratifying oral/manual encounter of a month ago) I’d said that early morning was the worst possible time for me.
This is no lie. Our sleep schedules are such that early morning for him is about three to four hours into my night. I take meds just to achieve THIS. ANY other time is better for me… afternoons, dinner time, after dinner, early evening, late evenings even late mornings.
But the main point behind my resistance to his “solution” was it’s absolute simplicity and complete negation of any deeper meaning to our #1 marital issue. One does not magically become attracted to someone who they are NOT attracted to simply by proximity. Actually, no. That’s not true. I CAN become turned on by proximity and skin touch…instantly. Do you think I’m still crazy about CJ after all he’s done to me? It’s a minor miracle that I can bear to have him touch me or to touch him. But I can and I do…it’s a BIG part of the special connection between spouses that we do not have!!!
I told him tonight that a big part of early mornings being not the greatest for me is that in order to have ANY mutual sexual contact (for at least the past 5 years) this requires my complete awakening and delivery of oral (manual doesn’t work any more) sex in order for ANY signs of arousal on CJ’s part to emerge. IF we get to actual ML...it usually "peters out" in moments. (Note that I have had no children and Kiegle consistently)
I brougth up the A for the first time in a LOOOOONG time. Reminded him of how I’d told D (our C) that no matter HOW this (our M) turned out, I WOULD be loved the way I deserve to be loved (He knew what I meant at that time...this is a looong standing problem). I don’t know how he took that....I'm not sure how I meant it.
I had to remind him of the awful words that he threw at me, that echo in my mind every single day. ”I don’t love you…I care for you, but I don’t love you the way a husband loves his wife”. I am weeping just typing these words.
He now denies this, says he is attracted to me…but by all that is Holy where is the evidence??? YES I admitted that in all other areas our R is right on track, better than ever…(Did he hear me?).
I wanted to throw the weight issue in his face, but it seemed way too petty to do. It’s enough to know that I know that I’m replacing physical love with food. It’s happened at least two other times that I can identify. Once the final year of my R with my ex-fiance of 10 years...he was cheating on me, I was ill...Again the first year of my M to CJ....when it was CLEAR our PA wasn't just in a little "slump".
He wouldn’t believe it, he’d just despise me for displacing responsibility onto him. And he’d be right. I AM after all settling for this. I am after all living with the man who cheated on me, broke my heart and my most scared trust, threatened to leave me, told me his A was over when it was not, lied continually to me for over a year….closer to two.
Should I just give up? Be celibate? Resign myself to fantasty and self pleasure? I was almost ready to settle for that before he decided to find love with two other women. Back when I almost pitied him for having no sex drive (for this is what he told me)…when I thought he even might be gay.
Should I have to settle? I mean lots of other things are very good…daily life, intellectual compatibility, humour, family, friends, taste, preferred entertainment, (except W won’t watch anything to do about sex, at least when I’m around).
I’m 41, not self sufficient, anxiety disorder, multiple physical disorders, 25 pounds overweight…. I'm intelligent, voluptuous, fit, sexy, funny, a great dancer, kind, a great friend, a great cook, is this the best I can hope for?
Might I find physical fulfillment beyond my wildest dreams in someone else’s arms only to find them impossible to live with? Why can I not have both? Is that too much to ask for? A life partner AND a lover???
(Note that I have had no children and Kiegle consistently)