I'm going to tackle the friend thing too, but first I want to validate something you wrote earlier, Pam. You said that you are curious about what would happen if you and CHL could meet NOW in your current states of being.
I asked this very question of CJ (this was between bombs 1 and 2...so the A was still going on). I'd done LOTS of work on myself (the sarcasm, controlling, perfectionism) and was pretty sure we would hit it off. I asked him...what if we'd stayed with our previous R's, then found ourselves single now....would he be attracted to me?
He said...I can't answer that, there's too much history here for me to look over. That was hard to hear.
Now friendships! Well ladies I think I may have some insights...you see MJ has been my best friend since third grade. We had countless sleep overs, camping, hanging out...first drinks, we shared our crushes and NEVER tried to screw the other one over for a GUY! Indeed we made a pact that no guy could ever come between us...and so far it's held!
I'm not as close with MJ today as I am with pal of 12 years H, but I still talk to her 2X a week, we see her a few times a month, we e-mail. I'm godmother to her daughter.
The keys to my friendship with MJ, I believe, is loyalty...she had my back when bullies wanted to beat me up, I helped her love to read, I commisserate with her when she complains about her job, her finances, her family (even though SHE has some of the very same traits!).
She wanted to rip a strip off of CJ when (belatedly) I told her about bomb#3...I had to talk her out of it! And yes, she was VERY supportive of us working things out. One of the few friends CJ felt comfortable with.
Now as an adult I've made many shorter term friends. These can be great...you don't have to have a soul connection with every friend. Sometimes friends are just for a time...like the friends I made while a student. Close for a time, but once graduation came, folks moved on...
H and I met at darts...at first I thought she was a little odd...very childlike and capricious when she wants to be. But over the years we've developed quite a bond.
I was never much of a phone talker...until H. Now we can yak for hours (usually while cooking or cleaning on both ends).
She regales me with stories of her zoo (3 cats, a Rottie, a 10 foot Boa Constrictor), what she's doing. We share a lot about what's going on in our M's (this started when she became my major support system after bomb #1). Both husbands know we talk...they're often right in the room!
It's just soooo good to have someone you can call, not be judged. Oh, and a KEY thing with both of my best friends is that there is NO GUILT...
If I can't talk to one of them and don't get back right away...no big deal. Oh, this is seriously odd, I think...I've never had a serious argument with either one of them! Nor even a "nose out of joint" kind of thing.
One thing H and I do now that wasn't needed before is we assure each other that we would NEVER, NEVER make a move on the other's H. Nothing that would endanger our friendship.
I can see myself getting old with these girls...we joke about being widows and finding rich old men to marry...God we laugh and laugh and laugh.
Here's a good thing to go by: You know how after being with some people you just feel drained? Well after being with H in particular, I feel energized and happy. In fact I'd give her a call right now, if it weren't too early (she's a night hawk like me).
Oh, and that's another thing...there's no friendship jealousy. Mj and H know each other, like each other. I'm NEVER made to feel bad for seeing one or the other. Both of them have other close friends they spend time with, talk to...it's just FINE...
In recent years...I've made "lunch friends" out of former students and a counsellor at the University.
I really can't imagine life without my girls.
So what do H and I do with our time together...well this is probably not the norm but here's a sampling:
- she and I drove 2 hours north to her home town to visit her old neighbours and her parent's graves (I thanked them for making such a great friend) - she helped me clean out my closet...laughing at the clothes 3 sizes too small (we've both gained 20 pounds) - we'll jointly cook a meal for the guys...or just go out for lunch alone! (she has a thing for making male waiters dance for her...what a character!) - I went with her to do banking, laundry, popped in and out of a dozed stores just looking at stuff and chatting with the owners -I took her to my SIL for her first real hair cut in 6 years - we got mall security called on us for having too much fun in the bathroom with fake tatoos - I did her make-up one night here...she couldn't get used to SEEING her eyebrows!
Test of a TRUE friendship? Has she seen you without makeup and told you you look just fine? JK!
I say "I love you" to both of these women every time we talk, because I really do love and value them!
So cultivate friendships ladies and may you be as fortunate as I am!
Quote: You said that you are curious about what would happen if you and CHL could meet NOW in your current states of being.
I asked this very question of CJ (this was between bombs 1 and 2...so the A was still going on). I'd done LOTS of work on myself (the sarcasm, controlling, perfectionism) and was pretty sure we would hit it off. I asked him...what if we'd stayed with our previous R's, then found ourselves single now....would he be attracted to me?
He said...I can't answer that, there's too much history here for me to look over. That was hard to hear.
You see I think CHL and I would hit it off as well, but CJ is right, too much history unless you are willing to put the past behind you and move forward!
Since CHL has J I don't believe he is ready or willing to put the past behind and move forward with me. So I guess that is just a wishful thought I had this morning.
Today is a thinking day but a good thinking day.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Woo hoo, Shiny! Sounds like you and I have the same kind of friends. I have 5 who comprise my inner circle and quite a few on the outskirts who are also true friends.
Pamila, your H can't be a substitute for a girl friend! He can supplement this, as Shiny so eloquently stated, but there is NO substitute for a good girl friend.
I say "HEAR HEAR" to everything Shiny said about loyalty!
My long standing best friend and godmother to D10 is someone I've known since 5th grade and been inseparable ever since. I can't tell you how many sleepovers we've had (too numerous to count) and how many fights she's been referee between me and my sister (who also loves her like a sister)... our escapades could fill annals that nobody could ever finish.
Serendipity... 5 years ago we were having monster medical problems with D7 and Mr. W. and D10 had taken off for his parents house. She was flying here from the west coast (back to DC) via Denver and did a weekend stopover. She was my cheerleader when I received horrid medical news about my toddler, and she brought me out the most disgusting paper towels so she could wipe away the snot and tears (that was all that was available). Then she planted a big kiss on my forehead and told me she loved me.
I have a nice guest room in my house, but since Mr. Wonderful was gone, when she walked in the door I told her to bring her bags to my bedroom... because we were going to have a girls old-fashioned sleepover. Complete with nail polish, music, a book of erotica she bought at a yard sale for 10 cents (because we still howl at what people write about sex), some chick flicks and popcorn. I don't think we turned the lights out before 3 am the entire time she was here!
Nobody could ever understand me like she does, and nobody ever will.
GIRLS RULE!
Time for a group hug.... sorry for the hijack, Pam.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Amen to that!!!! I have had my BF since 9th grade and she is myS's Godmother also. Ironically her and my H grew up next door to each other. I didn't know until I started dating him at 15.We were sharing secrets and she said, what is his last name? OMG , what a small world?
Hi Pam, I think I read on Pamila's thread where you mentioned becoming the OW to your H....if it isn't too painful, would you mind sharing some insight on some of the things you did? I'm scratching my head toying with what to do.....
It was an idea I worked on but never really got to put into practice because by the time I thought of it he was to the point where he was mostly avoiding me.
My guess is his affair had heated up and seeing me maybe he felt some guilt? That is all guessing on my part.
But, she had never lived with him and having an affair with him is a whole different ball of wax then living with him is!
But on the plus side I didn't figure she knew his quirks and likes and dislikes as well as I did.
I would guess sexually she probably knows him as well as I do.
But maybe not his habits of what he likes to do when stressed, some of the tv shows he likes to watch, although they may do a lot of that now, I am guessing they watch what she wants and not what he wants.
Some of his favorite meals or his work habits even. Which his work habits change drastically while he is having an affair to what they are when he is married.
According to her ex she had no interest in anything that interested him or his job.
Basically it would be focusing on the knowledge you have and putting positives in your interaction. It becomes a habit.
Does that help any?
Do you have any IM programs?
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
And hey, about the bedding set that you found - treat yourself and get it. Your new bedroom will reflect your new attitude and if you have been lucky enough to come across what you have imagined it would look like - then go for it!
Have a great day!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
JK!
Betsey 