I'm going to tackle the friend thing too, but first I want to validate something you wrote earlier, Pam. You said that you are curious about what would happen if you and CHL could meet NOW in your current states of being.
I asked this very question of CJ (this was between bombs 1 and 2...so the A was still going on). I'd done LOTS of work on myself (the sarcasm, controlling, perfectionism) and was pretty sure we would hit it off. I asked him...what if we'd stayed with our previous R's, then found ourselves single now....would he be attracted to me?
He said...I can't answer that, there's too much history here for me to look over. That was hard to hear.
Now friendships! Well ladies I think I may have some insights...you see MJ has been my best friend since third grade. We had countless sleep overs, camping, hanging out...first drinks, we shared our crushes and NEVER tried to screw the other one over for a GUY! Indeed we made a pact that no guy could ever come between us...and so far it's held!
I'm not as close with MJ today as I am with pal of 12 years H, but I still talk to her 2X a week, we see her a few times a month, we e-mail. I'm godmother to her daughter.
The keys to my friendship with MJ, I believe, is loyalty...she had my back when bullies wanted to beat me up, I helped her love to read, I commisserate with her when she complains about her job, her finances, her family (even though SHE has some of the very same traits!).
She wanted to rip a strip off of CJ when (belatedly) I told her about bomb#3...I had to talk her out of it! And yes, she was VERY supportive of us working things out. One of the few friends CJ felt comfortable with.
Now as an adult I've made many shorter term friends. These can be great...you don't have to have a soul connection with every friend. Sometimes friends are just for a time...like the friends I made while a student. Close for a time, but once graduation came, folks moved on...
H and I met at darts...at first I thought she was a little odd...very childlike and capricious when she wants to be. But over the years we've developed quite a bond.
I was never much of a phone talker...until H. Now we can yak for hours (usually while cooking or cleaning on both ends).
She regales me with stories of her zoo (3 cats, a Rottie, a 10 foot Boa Constrictor), what she's doing. We share a lot about what's going on in our M's (this started when she became my major support system after bomb #1). Both husbands know we talk...they're often right in the room!
It's just soooo good to have someone you can call, not be judged. Oh, and a KEY thing with both of my best friends is that there is NO GUILT...
If I can't talk to one of them and don't get back right away...no big deal. Oh, this is seriously odd, I think...I've never had a serious argument with either one of them! Nor even a "nose out of joint" kind of thing.
One thing H and I do now that wasn't needed before is we assure each other that we would NEVER, NEVER make a move on the other's H. Nothing that would endanger our friendship.
I can see myself getting old with these girls...we joke about being widows and finding rich old men to marry...God we laugh and laugh and laugh.
Here's a good thing to go by: You know how after being with some people you just feel drained? Well after being with H in particular, I feel energized and happy. In fact I'd give her a call right now, if it weren't too early (she's a night hawk like me).
Oh, and that's another thing...there's no friendship jealousy. Mj and H know each other, like each other. I'm NEVER made to feel bad for seeing one or the other. Both of them have other close friends they spend time with, talk to...it's just FINE...
In recent years...I've made "lunch friends" out of former students and a counsellor at the University.
I really can't imagine life without my girls.
So what do H and I do with our time together...well this is probably not the norm but here's a sampling:
- she and I drove 2 hours north to her home town to visit her old neighbours and her parent's graves (I thanked them for making such a great friend) - she helped me clean out my closet...laughing at the clothes 3 sizes too small (we've both gained 20 pounds) - we'll jointly cook a meal for the guys...or just go out for lunch alone! (she has a thing for making male waiters dance for her...what a character!) - I went with her to do banking, laundry, popped in and out of a dozed stores just looking at stuff and chatting with the owners -I took her to my SIL for her first real hair cut in 6 years - we got mall security called on us for having too much fun in the bathroom with fake tatoos - I did her make-up one night here...she couldn't get used to SEEING her eyebrows!
Test of a TRUE friendship? Has she seen you without makeup and told you you look just fine? JK!
I say "I love you" to both of these women every time we talk, because I really do love and value them!
So cultivate friendships ladies and may you be as fortunate as I am!
JK!
