It is so funny that you posted today about your mom not teaching you to cultivate friendships, mine was the same way.
We lived in the country and the only friend who got to come over was the girl who lived across the street. I can count on one hand the # of times that I got to have another friend come over.
So as a result of that I am just fine by myself, don't need some one to entertain me.
Not long ago I realized that my mom didn't have a best friend of her own, only casual friends and acquaintances.
I have a couple really good friends and what do we do? Talk, talk, and more talk, praying together, going out for lunch or dinner, helping each other out, etc.
I have never painted her toenails, but if you would like me to do yours I would.
Girlfriends are THE best commodity! My mom was an excellent teacher on how to be a devoted friend, and I learned all I know from her.
I could go into the childhood version (which was the basis for the adult version), but we'll stick to adulthood. What doesn't change? In order to have a friend, you have to BE one!
1. They call just to say "I've missed you!" And to validate all your latest misery. They don't mind the convo being all about you... as long as it is not always the case.
2. They send you birthday cards or funny jokes in e-mail because they know you will think something is funny.
3. They call you from their car phone because they heard a song that made them think of you.
4. They send you postcards from their vacation...
5. They reciprocate in kind the depth of caring and love you feel for them. (You are not the only one to initiate contact.)
6. When you hurt them or screw up, they forgive you. Because your friendship is well worth it.
7. They are long suffering about your men problems.
8. They have absolutely NO qualms in telling you they love you... flaws and all.
9. Out of state girlfriends? You can go for months without talking, but when you do, you pick up where you left off because the friendship is based on mutual respect and no pettiness.
I'm sure I could think of a dozen more if I had time. I have the best friends on the planet... and many of them live across the country. As I mentioned in my first paragraph, my mom was a huge proponent of BEING a friend to have one. That means putting energy and effort into cultivating them... keeping dates, improving your conversation skills and empathetic responses, loyalty, and the ability to eliminate gossip.
Which brings me to my #1 indicator of a true friend: someone who does not gossip about others. I'm not talking about the occasional chat about someone who bugs us, but needless talking about others and decisions they make. Nothing is a bigger turnoff to me than someone who chooses to talk about someone else without them being present.
Hope this helps!
Betsey
p.s. My childhood girlfriends were toenail painters, makeup artists, hair colorists and we loved to sit on the street corners (away from our houses) and just pick grass and talk. God knows what we had to talk about, but it was fun. My D10 loves all the same things about her girlfriends...
GIRLS ROCK!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Your answer was well thought out and very thought provoking. I think that it is oh so true that though the balance can swing either way on a daily basis having a friend means being one.
Too bad my H doesn't get that, he wants the world to come to him w/o giving anything back. Selfishnes I guess.
I am jealous of you! Seems as my body adjusts to the Zoloft dosage I'm on, that side effect that it has tends to vanish and it has been a looooong time.
Since all of this reading I have discovered that my first H was probably LD, I am HD and CHL seems to fall between my first H and me.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
My mom doesn't have any close friends either so I became her close friend. Rather unhealthy in a way, she treated me as a friend but also a child and I think that is why I have so much fear of people at times. I did not learn how to treat and be treated as an equal.
I almost never did anything without mom along. So I did not learn to stand on my own and do things on my own.
I think Betsey's answer and yours Pam is a good indication of why D doesn't have many friends. He is a great guy, but very shy and doesn't go out of his way to interact or give to other people. In our R I was always the person that did that, didn't mean I didn't also volunteer him. Just that he didn't usually do the volunteering!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I have something to share. I wanted to share with CHL but I resisted the urge!
This will give you all a good example of what I mean when I felt I COULDN'T do things on my own.
I just got back from taking my van for an emission test. It has 215,000 miles on it and prior to moving to New Albany I didn't have to have it emission test as that county doesn't require one.
CHL has always taken care of doing the vehicle emission tests.
Probably as recently as last year I would have said I couldn't do this, I am always afraid the van will fail. And me being me for some silly reason, would feel horribly embarrassed. This morning I asked myself, why I would be embarrassed it isn't like I know there is something needing fixed.
So, I took her and she passed and now I just need to get her plate sticker and can drive her again!!!
Getting the plate sticker is also something I have never done before.
But WHOO HOOO!!!
Shara got muddy foot prints all in the back seat of my car this weekend when I took her to the house. Of course all there is around there is mud. Next time a sheltie goes to visit their new home they will go in the van!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Betsey
