Journey to Healing

[psluke]

Now that I have started a new thread I think I will bring it up to date in case I ever want to look back at what has transpired.

D and I have talked some last week as I posted. I had sent him a long e-mail a while back and asked him about it. He said he couldn't find it on his e-mail and could I send it again so I did.

Actually Friday, Saturday and Sunday I believe I sent him e-mails. So lots of e-mails some of them short and about something going on here some longer and more serious.

I sent him one with an excerpt of something Ceb posted on Cal's thread about the bb.

"I suppose for me it was a non-confrontational way of seeing what she felt without needing to see the looks in her eyes, or to feel like I needed to have any response if I didn't feel like it. I could read what she was saying, digest it, and if I wanted, pretend I didn't read it. She said the truth, sometimes it hurt, but it was still the truth.

I think it just helped to realize how much she had been working on things, and that she was there if I was ready to do my best to work on things myself.

So at least in my situation, this BB was really the final and main thing that helped me get past the walls I'd put up. It's easy enough on a 3 minute call to keep up walls & ignore the feelings you have for a person, but when you have to read emotional and things close to your heart for 3 hours.. after awhile you start to really pay attention to them.

Anyway, thought I'd explain that this place had really helped. "

I told him that I felt because he had always been adamant about us not reading each other's threads he never had the chance to do what Ceb did and see the changes in Cal and have time to let his guard down.

At the end of the day I sent him the link to my new thread just letting him know I had started one if he decided he wanted to read it some.

I know none of this falls into good dbing as it is lots of contact. But it is a form of me sort of saying what I need to say to feel more closure of our R. I feel a need for him to know where I am and he hasn't seen me or spent any time with me to know anything about my life or the person I have become. He will always I feel be important to me and I wanted him to know where I was at before contact between us ceases.

I know his reading my thread or Cal's or PIB's isn't going to bring him running home and as I told him, I don't think that I would be ready for that at this time. I feel I am still in the process of working on myself, which I know is an ongoing journey, but also some of the healing is left to make progress on in myself. That, I feel is best going to be done on my own. At least the next step of it, not necessarily the whole journey.