Reading PIB's history this morning has given me the incentive to start this new thread. That and an e-mail I received from my vet this morning and just some cave time spent at PK this weekend.
I do spend a lot of cave time there in a way, and that I will miss but am hoping by the time I move to my new home I am ready for less cave time in my journey to heal.
I think I have pretty much progressed through healing from my first divorce and the affair with D. What I believe was needed there was my forgiveness of myself. I don't believe in divorce, I certainly never thought of myself as the type of person to have an affair! That was a drastic change in my perception of myself. I believe that is also a part of my black/white thinking. If I had an affair I must be a totally horrible awful person. Not just a person in pain who picked an inappropriate way to try to deal with it.
I think looking back what I was, was a person in a tremendous amount of pain. I believe in his way my first h was also. We got married young and of course had no idea marriage's need work. We neither one knew how to fix what had happened. I begged him to go to counseling, I now know that isn't always helpful if you don't find a good C.
I don't believe he realized until the end how very unhappy I was.
I think I needed time to heal from that R ending and I deliberately, (so I thought), took time between that R ending and D and I's becoming a marriage. Not all my doing, his as well. We neither one wanted to rush into something.
But, we continued seeing one another and lived in the same apartment complex. He helped me make the transition to living in my apartment. But that never allowed me to be on my own to deal with my life and the emotions and guilt I felt. This I believe I carried into our marriage and led to my depression. Within less than a year after our marriage my horse tragically died and I believed that was punishment for my affair, divorce and marriage to D.
There were fun times but the promise that was there prior to the marriage I am not sure ever really developed due to the emotions, and the work that I buried myself in at the place with the horses. I now believe that was a form of escape from life and my feelings for me. D's form of escape is his job.
Now to finish the healing from this divorce and D's affair with my long time close friend and the second long time close friend's encouragement to him to divorce me for the other long time friend. Boy does that sound confusing!
Not an easy task but I believe necessary for me to become a whole happy person, for possibly the first time in my life.
Previously I always looked for my happiness to come from outside. I have discovered it needs to come from inside and sometimes it is there.
PIB's journey has helped this morning. Thank you PIB, I wish I had read sooner but maybe I wasn't ready to learn the lessons from there till now.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Decided to move this post from PIB's thread to my own since I finally got one started.
Quote: I am finding lots of useful info for me in your threads. In the beginning I went back and read threads through, then I started following so many people and posting so much I didn't have time to go back and read past histories. I think it would have been good for me to do that more.
I read Calystra's again last night, it is one that I had read all the way through and I saw things different in it this year than last year when I read it. I believe it is the difference in me that is allowing me to see things differently. I like the differences in me and the different things I am picking up on in my reading now.
I actually at this point believe it is going to be good for me to move into my own place. I e-mailed a friend this morning that I believe God directed me to this house. I need to do more healing and I think it is possible that what I need to do to make the progress is here at this new location.
If I had got the first house or even stayed at PK I believe I would have crawled into a hole and stayed there. Especially when the Zoloft ends. That scares me. But here I have already met two lovely neighbors and see possibilities of some form of friendship developing that may help me go in directions I need to go to continue healing.
Not that I wouldn't have loved to save this marriage, I just believe I would need more healing time before I was ready to be back together full time. I actually believe I needed healing time 6 years ago BEFORE marrying David.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I think this post shows how strong you are becoming.
Also, I understand where you are coming from in regards to healing.
I don't know how far you got in my old threads...
But I sincerely believe that I needed that year with my parents in order to heal that relationship.
Now my mom and I are best friends...
And I know that the anger, bitterness I used to feel because of my relationship with my parents has been healed. And that healing is reflected in my current relationship with Husband.
I saw the post on dbing your parents. I didn't realize there was the same sort of sitch in a way that I went through with my parents when i got married the first time and my mom didn't speak to me or allow anyone in the family to speak to me for like 6 or 7 years.
That left a lot of bitter feelings that I do feel we have resolved. We have talked a bit about my first marriage. She did not like my first H, said she got to liking him about the time I left him. He and I had been married like 15 years.
She said she liked D right from the beginning and she has been very supportive of my trying to repair this marriage. Which I certainly never expected from her.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hello in your new home,welcome. I'm not sure why but I was thinking that when I first got to the bb that someone else had a thread with this or another very similiar name, maybe sage or slowly??
I have to say that I was not familiar enuf w/ your story to know that your marriage to D grew out of an A with him. Wow, hard stuff, that's for sure.
I don't recall a thread by this name but that certainly doesn't mean there wasn't one.
PK is what we always called the house we bought. It is just the initials of the road it is on.
Yes, that was tough to deal with, even though my marriage had been over for a long time I don't know that I would have left it if I hadn't met D. The guilt came from the fact that I so strongly don't believe in divorce except maybe in extreme circumstances. Which has not been the case in either of my divorces. My first h wasn't a bad person he just had no idea how to work on a relationship and apparently what I told him I needed wasn't in a way he understood.
That is why I feel so strongly that D's marriage to J is doomed from the start. They will be building a R based on two divorces, starting from their affair.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
That was a drastic change in my perception of myself. I believe that is also a part of my black/white thinking. If I had an affair I must be a totally horrible awful person. Not just a person in pain who picked an inappropriate way to try to deal with it.
Thank you PIB, I wish I had read sooner but maybe I wasn't ready to learn the lessons from there till now. 
My first h wasn't a bad person he just had no idea how to work on a relationship and apparently what I told him I needed wasn't in a way he understood.