Journey to Healing

[psluke]

Reading PIB's history this morning has given me the incentive to start this new thread. That and an e-mail I received from my vet this morning and just some cave time spent at PK this weekend.

I do spend a lot of cave time there in a way, and that I will miss but am hoping by the time I move to my new home I am ready for less cave time in my journey to heal.

I think I have pretty much progressed through healing from my first divorce and the affair with D. What I believe was needed there was my forgiveness of myself. I don't believe in divorce, I certainly never thought of myself as the type of person to have an affair! That was a drastic change in my perception of myself. I believe that is also a part of my black/white thinking. If I had an affair I must be a totally horrible awful person. Not just a person in pain who picked an inappropriate way to try to deal with it.

I think looking back what I was, was a person in a tremendous amount of pain. I believe in his way my first h was also. We got married young and of course had no idea marriage's need work. We neither one knew how to fix what had happened. I begged him to go to counseling, I now know that isn't always helpful if you don't find a good C.

I don't believe he realized until the end how very unhappy I was.

I think I needed time to heal from that R ending and I deliberately, (so I thought), took time between that R ending and D and I's becoming a marriage. Not all my doing, his as well. We neither one wanted to rush into something.

But, we continued seeing one another and lived in the same apartment complex. He helped me make the transition to living in my apartment. But that never allowed me to be on my own to deal with my life and the emotions and guilt I felt. This I believe I carried into our marriage and led to my depression. Within less than a year after our marriage my horse tragically died and I believed that was punishment for my affair, divorce and marriage to D.

There were fun times but the promise that was there prior to the marriage I am not sure ever really developed due to the emotions, and the work that I buried myself in at the place with the horses. I now believe that was a form of escape from life and my feelings for me. D's form of escape is his job.

Now to finish the healing from this divorce and D's affair with my long time close friend and the second long time close friend's encouragement to him to divorce me for the other long time friend. Boy does that sound confusing!

Not an easy task but I believe necessary for me to become a whole happy person, for possibly the first time in my life.

Previously I always looked for my happiness to come from outside. I have discovered it needs to come from inside and sometimes it is there.

PIB's journey has helped this morning. Thank you PIB, I wish I had read sooner but maybe I wasn't ready to learn the lessons from there till now.