No Mike, it's not that at all - it's just a really obvious example. I'll admit that it does kind of irritate me that she expects me to go down on her each and every time we have sex, but yet she refuses to reciprocate, but it's not a defining issue - just an easy one.
I appreciate the suggestion. I may give it a try, but I'm not very hopeful.
W has no problem with touching me, as evidenced by the hand jobs I've had to live with for the past umpteen years. She’s also kissed in the general area and has even kissed it once or twice, but she's made it VERY clear that the idea of putting it in her mouth is disgusting. As I alluded to in my reply to Barney/Mike, I really don't understand how or why she sees going down on me as so horribly disgusting, but yet still expects me to go down on her nearly every time we have any kind of sexual encounter and sees absolutely nothing wrong with that.
And lastly, I want to repeat that although I would like to get a little head once in a while, this isn’t a major issue. It’s just a very easy example to illustrate my feelings about the crucible thing. If I leave her with only two choices, turning me down or doing something that totally disgusts her, we both come out losers. It would be the same if the example were bondage, or public sex, or anal, or any of dozens of other things – it’s just that since I do oral on her so regularly and she never does it on me, it just popped up when I was looking for an example.
The BJ isn’t the issue; the issue is getting her to do something that she really doesn’t want to do. If she chooses not to do whatever it is, I’m unhappy that isn’t doing it, and presumably, she’s at least somewhat unhappy in the knowledge that she’s letting me down in a area that I’ve told her is important to me. If, on the other hand, she chooses to do whatever it is, she’s unhappy because she’s having to do something that disgusts her, and I’m unhappy because I KNOW that I have put her into a position where she felt that she had to do something that she considered to be disgusting.
I know that there is another side to that argument. I could say that I would be happy since I was now getting oral/anal/public or whatever, and that W would be happy because she knew in her heart of hearts that she was making me indescribably happy. But experience has taught me that the negative side is a much more likely outcome.
You make a good point. You really need to pick your battles carefully instead of throwing your whole marriage into a constant state of conflict. My wife and I are both overly concerned about that.
You can't really change your spouse, can you? The best you can hope for is a level of mutual understanding and appreciation.
I salute your serenity.
Tony
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
My W and I reached a compromise on the BJ that might work for you. She won't put it in her mouth, but she will run her mouth up and down the underside while holding it. Not really a BJ, but it does feel pretty close. You might see if she'd be willing to do that...sort of an extended sloppy kiss if you will. Best of luck.
Your point, "The BJ isn’t the issue; the issue is getting her to do something that she really doesn’t want to do. If she chooses not to do whatever it is, I’m unhappy that isn’t doing it, and presumably, she’s at least somewhat unhappy in the knowledge that she’s letting me down in a area that I’ve told her is important to me." -------------------
...is the point I was trying to make.
Mike - btw, let me know how GGB's W does. We'll call it SSM "networking".
I don't know about this. I kind of suspect that Mrs. WB would be more than a little unhappy if Mrs. GGB were to along with that plan . I would bet big money that it would undo the progress we've made.
To be a little more serious, I'm kind of disappointed that I haven't gotten more response to this. This is big for me. If W was indifferent, I would have no problem with being more assertive about what I want. But when what I want is 180 degrees from what she wants, then what?
Since the responses I've read seem to be making a whole lot more of the BJ than just the example I intended it to be, I'm going to switch to anal – something in which neither of us has any interest. (For those of you who may enjoy anal, I’m not condemning that. I repeat, this is just an example and may not reflect any actual feelings.) And just to switch things around a bit, let’s say that SHE wants to do it and I’m totally grossed out by the whole idea. It’s a black and white thing. You’re either traveling the Hershey Highway or you’re not. You can’t compromise and “sort of” do it. There’s no part way. Either tab “A” is in slot “B” or it’s not. If I don’t do it, she’s left missing something that she really wants. But if I put her “needs” first, overcome my distaste for the whole thing, and go for it, then she’s happy and I’m doing something I don’t like and don’t want to do.
Now I know what Schnarch would say. I should tell her that I’m revolted by anal sex. It makes me nauseous. I feel incredibly dirty when we do it and I want to rush straight to the shower and scrub with bleach. Then I have constructed a crucible where SHE has to choose between something she wants and pleasing me. But that sword cuts both ways. I’m in the converse crucible: I have to choose between doing something I find really degrading and disgusting, or leaving her unfulfilled and disappointed. So which of the two of us has the most important feelings? Is her desire for anal sex more or less important than my desire to avoid it? Are any of you seriously suggesting that I should completely disregard her feelings and desires?
Quote: So which of the two of us has the most important feelings? Is her desire for anal sex more or less important than my desire to avoid it? Are any of you seriously suggesting that I should completely disregard her feelings and desires?
I'm not sure it's quite as black-and-white as you've structured it. Have you considered the possibility that "Following the Connection" might lead one of you (or both) to modify your position and/or find a way to accept the other's POV? According to PM, following the connection is what determines what a couple will and won't do together, and this applies to ALL "private" behavior. If the EC is strong enough, one of two things could happen: she might "get" your POV and no longer feel deprived, having understood and accepted your limitation (it being a TRUE limitation and not a simple unwillingness to try something "different"), or you might find it in yourself to change your POV and actually enjoy it, seeing as how it gives her so much pleasure, and that very pleasure could feed your own pleasure. It might not be so much a case of "overcoming something repugnant", it might actually be a sea change in your own POV (or hers). This possibility removes it from the realm of "whose feelings are most important", and places it more in the realm of "where do you want to go today?"
