Cemar: Here is my take on things. It is a subtle distinction, but an important one. To "need" something implies that you will not be able to function without it. We all know that isn't true--you function quite normally, albeit with little happiness. Which brings me to my next point: I do not use the strict interpretation of the PM book to mean that your choices are: stay or leave. You can STILL apply these principles and have no intention of leaving. It is just that your leverage will have to be something other than leaving her. With me, it was a couple things: Get separate beds, or separate bedrooms. Yes this would have been an incredible expense (on our already tight budget) but it was something I was willing to pay for, however I did it. I was dead serious by that time.
Also, I don't know how effective this will be with your W (only you can know that) but a very powerful leverage tool that I had with my H was the elimination of my love for him, through his own lack of attention.
So you could stop worrying about need vs. want and present it this way instead: "Wife, in order for me to continue to be in love with you I need you to think about including affection and frequent sex in our lives." So what if you say need instead of want, it is the MESSAGE you are trying to convey, not necessarily the precise verbiage. What she should hear coming out of your mouth is not a bunch of pussyfooting and beating around the bush about building a great marriage, but clear language about what the consequences will be if she decides not to fully participate in your M. In addition to that, all of this should be conveyed in a loving but firm manner. This is a hard line to walk because by the time you have the nuts to even say it all out loud, there will be this defiance thing going on...and it becomes hard to HOY and say it in a way that will speak to her.
Finally, you have to be prepared to say all this and keep on saying it. This is not a one time speech; it is a speech you will have to make often until she realizes that the stakes truly ARE as high as what you said. I think that we HD people have put ourselves in a position of losing our credibility...by the time we finally state, It's gotta be like this or else I will begin to stop loving you...they just hear 'blah blah sex blah blah sex'. We have accepted things as is for so long that the LD partner does not perceive the immediate threat. So you have to keep at it until they realize that things have changed from what they once were.
