I'm back at work. Still feeling a bit weak, but am happy to be back at work.
So...
I don't know if anyone who currently reads my thread remembers about the ex-girlfriend my husband had. They dated for 5 years before I came into the picture. They broke it off when they went to college...except her daddy works for an airline. So, she'd fly my husband out to visit her when she wanted a booty call. And she'd kick out whoever her current boyfriend was.
When he and I started dating, her phone calls to him increased. I spent the week with him and she called every night that I was there.
Once the week was over I told him that it seemed like the two of them had some unfinished business and that I didn't want to be the cause of any problems. He assured me that there were no issues, that she was just a friend.
And he told me that he definately wanted to continue to date me and was not interested in her.
We continued to date for about 5 months. He invited me up to meet his family for christmas.
While there, he called her on christmas eve. She wanted to come visit him.
I asked him please to not do this. He insisted they were just friends.
I told him if he slept with her it was over between us.
The night we got back to his apartment, I overheard his roomates telling him he was being stupid. To not have the ex over.
Again, he insisted nothing would happen that they were just friends.
He picked her up from the airport by himself.
She and I had a private talk in which she told me that she always thought he'd be hers forever. And that she was just dating while in college.
I told her I was sorry for her pain, that I understood where she was coming from, and that I had no problem with them being friends.
They took me back to my college and she spent 3 more days there.
He did cheat on me and lied to me about it.
And didn't confess until after we had been married a year...and only because I badgered him into it.
She continued to contact him after our marriage.
I would flip out each and every time.
It caused great mayham.
The last time she called, she had already gotten married herself.
She and a girlfriend called our house. Husband and I had just finished making love, it was midnight, and the phone rang.
It was on my side of the bed.
I answered and they hung up.
This happened twice more.
Finally husband grabbed the phone.
The girlfriend of his ex began speaking to him, asking him if he remembered his ex.
Then ex came on the phone.
I realized who was on the phone and reached over and hit the button to hang up the phone.
Then I took it off the hook and started screaming.
At this point, we'd been married for 3 years and she was still calling.
I handled myself very badly of course.
No grace and dignity whatsoever.
Full blown panic attack...althought I didn't realize what it was at the time.
We plotted our plan and then put the phone back on the hook.
As soon as it was back on the hook, the phone rang.
He picked it up. Verified that it was his ex.
And said to her, "I thought you were happily married now, why the [beep] are you still harrasing my wife and I? Leave us alone!"
I was relieved cause he had FINALLY stood up to her and told her to get out of his life.
Life continues. Anytime a girl looks at him funny I freak out.
Lots of distrust on my part. Lots of shame on his part.
Sigh.
Fast forward to our separation. I let go of a lot of anger, told him I forgave him everything.
The whole time we were separated he didn't not call her, contact her. Told me after we reconciled that he just wasn't interested.
About 3 months ago, I had snooped around on the internet to find out where she was and what was new in her life.
Hoping to find out that she had kids.
I found an online church bulletin announcing the birth of her 2nd child.
Told husband and we agreed that we'd probably never hear from her again.
After all...it'd been years now.
He has this sweet notion that once a woman becomes a mother she won't cheat on her husband. After all she has tiny children to take care of.
Last night I gently told him that that was not the case all the time.
Anyway, back to her email. I haven't seen it. He offered to show it to me.
I told him I was very grateful that he told me about it right away.
I told him I was not ready to see her or to handle the situation.
That I wanted us to stay focused on our work outs together so that if she does show up on our doorstep I'll feel confident and ready to handle the situation. Emotionally I mean.
He finally understood where I was coming from.
At first, he wasn't listening to me. Kept brushing me off. Kept saying there wasn't an issue...that she was just touching base. That she's a mommy now...she couldn't possibly be chasing him again after all this time.
And he told me that he didn't want to talk about it.
I was furious and hurt. Shades of the past.
He saw that I was hurt and angry. Insisted that we talk about it.
I told him that I felt like he was brushing me off like he used to.
That he wasn't hearing what I was saying. And I reitereated what I said about not feeling ready to handle it and that I wanted his help.
He said he was very sorry. Didn't mean to make me feel that way. And that he understood.
I asked him how he would want me to handle the situation if I'd had an affair, lied about it for years, ignored his concerns, denied there was any issue.
He put himself in my shoes and said that he wouldn't want me to respond to the email.
I said, Ok, then let's go with that.
So, that's the plan.
Today, I haven't brought it up again.
Felt like I delved too much into the past last night. Too much conversation, too intense, and I'm sure he needs a break.
And my playing the 'oh, I'm such a victim' song only makes me feel worse...so going to stop doing that today.
Of course, I have dozens of fantasies playing in my head...such as calling up her mom or her preacher and telling them the sitch.
Power? Heck, I had plenty of POWER for the first 7 years of my m. and we both paid dearly for it. I am infinitely happier NOW that I've come to realize that being an equal partner with my husband means being as respectful as I can of who he is as a person, an individual and not viewing his gains as my losses and visa-versa.
Husband is off to go camping tonight and will be gone till Sunday.
And I'm ok with it!
It's helped sooo much that he gave me 2 weeks to adjust to the idea!
Now I'm looking forward to it!
Also, during our conversation last night, he told me that when he first got the email, he asked himself, "Now what do I do to make sure this doesn't ruin my marriage?"
The Husband I knew before separation would have been focused on seeing what he could get away with and being sneaky.
This new guy is focused on us being a team!
How incredible is that?
When he told me that, I couldn't help myself. I started crying. Happy Tears!
He said, "Don't cry!"
I said, "You've just made me incredibly happy. Do you know what a big deal that is to me?"
Folks, she was the one thing I was still afraid of.
And now I don't have to be afraid anymore!
How incredible is that! Heck, now I'm happy that she emailed!
