Pam, I went back and read over my first few threads. You are right, they start after my month of darkness!
So...a small summary of things from those threads:
What works:
1) Let him contact me.
2) Let him do things on his own timeline. I tend to want to remind him or take over, but this backfires on me big time.
3) Stay upbeat and perky, showing tears, anger, sadness, only rarely and only when VERY important.
4) Expectations low. PMA high. Big breaths. Focus on taking care of me.
5) Don’t cling ‘like a dirty t-shirt’. Give him space to be himself.
6) EXERCISE! I'm just a happier content person when I exercise.
7) From what I can tell, when things are going well in my relationship with my husband, I begin daydreaming. I get so happy, that I stop doing the chores I know I need to do to maintain my PMA. Waking up every day and making up my bed first thing is a little chore, but it gives me a high PMA.
The problem for me, is that I am afraid that I need a little bit of pain to help me stay on track. It seems like only when our relationship is going through a rough patch do I remember to focus on doing the chores that boost my PMA and help my life run smoothly.
8) There are lots of little things that boost my PMA. I like working on small Plastic Canvas projects. I feel great when I'm finished, I feel accomplished. And these little projects make great gifts and so, I'm happy also because I've made someone else happy.
9) If I ask him to do something, and he says no, along with some excuse/obstacle. Ignore the excuse/obstacle, recognize that he’s trying to soften his no.
10) That it's necessary to put me first so that I can have good relationships with others without expecting that they'll put me first. It's not their job, it's mine. Fill my cup so that it overflows and it’s splash lands on those around me.
11) Post three positives in journal daily.
12) ANS said: My Wife used to ask me why I loved her. I never had an answer. I just do.
I suppose that part of the love decision is based on seeing the positive aspects of the person you decide to love. That makes your decision easier, but basically, love is one of those things that you can’t spend too much time analyzing. You just have to do it.
Do you love your kids?
Why?
13) I need to remember that people don't value what they get for free. Most people value stuff more, the more they pay for it. By giving my husband me for free, I'm only hurting myself and our relationship. I'm only giving him permission to not value me.
14) When Husband gets mad and starts yelling. Stay calm and quiet. Give him time to blast and give him some space. If I yell back it just escalates the situation.
15) I've learned that it's ok for married couples to disagree. The bottom line is whether married or not, you are my friend. You are not an extension of me. We are two friends who are trying to travel through life together.
16) KAW said: Seriously, as LL has already pointed out ... just be yourself. Be spontaneous & go with what feels right. Start out small. Take his hand ... gaze into his eyes more ... give a peck on the cheek first ... give a quick squeeze of a hug. If all is going well, let the hugs become more embracing, direct the kisses more ... well you get the idea or maybe just rub noses. Try to make the contact more playful at first and take it from there...
17) KAW said: What can I do to make today a little bit better than yesterday.
