JakeS2, Poe, & Nelj Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. It is painful at this point to discuss it.
JakeS2, celiac is one of the first things they thought my H had when he was a teen ager. I know that disease is not a picnic. It is hard to be a supportive loving spouse when I feel he is keeping me at arms length. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel figuratively.
Poe, in the past that is usually when he would make an effort too - when I said I had had enough of his current behavior. I have no intention of leaving my spouse but I feel like it is a bunch of bull. Why should I get to the point I want nothing to do with him before he will take me for serious? I do not feel that I am conveying an all or nothing to him. I told him the other night I would just like to kiss him like a lover kiss - not a peck on the lips. He had said "I kiss you everyday" and I said that I was talking about a kiss one would give his wife not his daughter. As for his family they are the kind that hug and kiss but in my opinion they are not genuine. I did not grow up in a huggy/kissy family but I never doubted that I was the most important thing in the world to my mother and grandparents. His parents hug/kiss etc and it means nothing. God forbid! The times we've needed their help they were NO where to be found. They are very selfish people and he can at times be like them.
The maddest he has been at me in recent times is when I stated he was just like his mother. He recognizes that they are selfish people but doesn't really see it in himself.
As for as the counselor being SBT ( looked on the abbreviations to see what you were talking about) I don't know if that is her claim to fame but I went today and I feel it is helping me.
As for the teenagers - I asked him to put a TV with a DVD in our room as an excuse to go there and have background noise. He flat out said no.
As for toys - I couldn't be less interested. Toys (I may be wrong)seem artificial to me and I don't think would be a source of pleasure to me.
NelJ - thanks for the support. I have known my H for 25 years and we have been married 22 years next month. I guess the LD has been coming on for about 4 years but has really been a problem for the past 2.
I have been pretty upset about it. My H tends to keep everyone at a distance. Oh, he is very pleasant and we go places and do things but he keeps barriers up at all times.
The reason I haven't posted is I went toes up last Wednesday night. I took the advice of several on the boards (at different times on different threads) and my C which was "Ask for what you want". So I did. I told him when we were watching TV that I wanted to "make out with him" that I missed his kisses. That is when he said he kissed me everyday. I told him - not that kind of a kiss - the kind you give to a lover. I told him that I missed seeing desire on his face for me. We watched a program and went to bed. I told him again that I wanted to kiss him - nothing more - just a few REAL kisses. We kissed a few times and he decided to have sex. I say have sex because to me that is not ML when he gets his jollies and I get NOTHING - to touches anywhere just him getting his jollies. I didn't even mind really - it was the opportunity to be close to him.
Afterwards I told him that I really missed his kisses and he said "I just don't have the feeling anymore because of the medication". My heart just froze in my chest. I didn't say anything but tears were rolling down my cheeks. I thought, "What is the point?" I can't make him feel what he no longer feels and yet the other side is yelling that he is a selfish b*stard. He refuses to see that his actions directly impact me and yet he will tell me not to quit asking and not to change how loving I am to him. It seems to me "All for me and when I feel like it I will throw you a bone".
Friday night both of our kids spent the night out and we went and picked up a sandwich that we both enjoy from a local grill on his Harley - visited with my mom - came home. He surprised me by asking me to take a whirlpool bath with him and then we made love - really made love. It was great.
I went to the counselor today and we discussed many things and I told her how upset I had been Wednesday night. When I came home later in the evening he and I had a few heated words over our oldest son's situation. We had a difference of an opinion. Son and DIL live with her parents and they want to tell them where they can go, who they can see, how long they can be gone, etc. and it is wearing thin with S & DIL. I said that DIL's mother was going to cause hard feelings with our S and that when an inlaw takes offense at one's behavior it is hard to gain back affection, etc. As he can be controlling himself he felt that since they lived with her that was ok and that I would do the same if they lived with us. I said that I had swore that I would NEVER be the kind of MIL that his mother had been to me and the fight was on. Alot of our fights have been over his darling parents. He can often say very cruel things and he said something to the effect that I needed counseling and should go more often.
I was pretty upset about that and wanted to scorch him with hot words that would have been as cruel as his but I held my tongue. What I did say is that I resented his implication and that I would not discuss it with him further and would pay for my own C'ing.
Tuesday is my girls night out to Starbucks with my best friend so I left. I came home and my son and DIL were here. H is acting all honky du ray. I am sure this round is not over.
Oddly enough we get along most of the time - but I really do think it is because I say nothing so it is my own fault that this problem has gone on and yet I know I would literally have to leave him to get him to take notice that I really don't like what is going on. I do my best to meet all of his needs, physically and emotionally and I feel like he is of the opinion "emotions? what emotions?"
Sorry to have rambled so long. I had alot to get off my chest.
