I kept that appointment. Went with my Starbucks Latte in hand. I really liked the C. I, of course, filled her in on some background. She asked me if I was asking him plainly what I wanted. I told her that I have asked, begged, pleaded, gave up. I told her also why I hate asking. (Ex-husband thing).
I did tell her that I did not feel that my H was doing this to be a jerk but that the end result was the same. I told her that I realized that I could not change my H and that I wanted to learn to cope with the situation and not be upset anymore.
She did ask if we used sex toys - I said no. She suggested we do - not to sure about that.
We discussed the fact that everyone has baggage. She gave me a paper with "Seven Lessons of "Earth School" that I would like to share with everyone. They were really good points - nothing earth shattering but important all the same.
1. Your main job in the whole world is to take of "yourself". We know this because of the second Commandment of God "Love thy Neighbor AS THYSELF"
2. YOu can change no one else. Just you.
3. Learn to stay peacful and let no one push your buttons.
4. Take nothing personally...it is just the universe displaying to you what is going on inside of the other person.
5. Love is All Important
6. Forgiveness is all important
7. It is not our job to judge.
I am going back in 2 weeks. When I got home H asked if I wanted/could talk about what I discussed with the counselor. I said if we would if he would like to discuss it.
We had a good conversation. I told him that his total lack of interest hurt me deeply. I told him that I never saw desire for me on his face anymore and that I found that more hurtful than I could ever say.
He told me that he still desires me and that usually his desire is during the day and that there is always SOMEONE there. I disputed some of that but I have two teenage children at home. They always seem to have someone over. My nephew visits us sometimes for days at a time in the summer. As I told DH I let the kids have company because they should not be social outcasts just because we have issues.
I also told him that I feel like he has become a wonderful friend/roommate instead of my husband. He said I was full of it. I told him that I had known him for 25 years - I wasn't a mail order bride he ordered yesterday. I told him I have seen lust on your face for me for years and years - it was a race to see who could get the the bedroom first. I told him I haven't see that look on your face for a very long time. I said that when I try to get close to him physically ie putting my arms around him, kissing him, etc that he mentally and physically withdraws from me. He has always been a very private person and his illness has made him even more private. He is more open emotionally with me now than he ever was but he still keeps me at a distance on some levels. I told him today that when we were first married that he kept an emotional distance and now he not only can be emotionally distant he is physically distant. I said that he was shutting me out totally and that I felt like I was married to a stranger.
I think that I gave him alot of food for thought and he did me. The C suggested that he could be very depressed/upset over this as I am and just handles it differently. I asked him about that and he said yes he is upset that our sex life has gone to the dogs and that I am upset about it. He said that I need to speak plainly to him and ask for his attentions. He also said that for the past 3 weeks (which I already knew) that he had been feeling really bad and that he doesn't like to tell me. He said it serves no purpose. He explained that if everytime he felt bad he said "I feel bad" that he would be saying that everyday and all I would do is worry about him. He said when he actually tells me he doesn't feel good that I know that is it to a really bad point. He said that people who constantly complain about feeling bad actually desensitize the people around them which I know that can be true. He said that people who constantly yell wolf won't be taken seriously when the wolf is at the door.
I guess everyone deals with things differently. I am going to continue to go to counseling I am not going to ask him to go with me. He will have to make that decision for himself. I will continue to post and ask for help - I need it.
