I have posted in the past and have been monitoring the board. I have tried to come to terms with my SSM but I am not doing so well at this time.
As I have posted my H has Crohns Disease. I have tried to be as understanding as I can be. I do realize that there are times that he simply doesn't feel like ML. But on the other hand I miss having a lover, someone who looks at me with desire in his eyes.
We used to have a great sex life and now it is like fast food sex. I had posted before that he has trouble maintaining an erection and I think he rushes through the whole sex act now.
I end up feeling like a prostitute - just a receptical. I HATE that. I want him to hold me, to kiss me, and make me feel like a desirable woman again.
I have talked to him numerous times on this and he says to just remind him. When I remind him it is like I am putting him out so I have gave up on doing that.
Other than this giant white elephant sex problem our marriage is great.
I am frustrated and mad...I long for him to reach out and touch me but days and weeks go by with nothing. I have tried to get him to read the SSM book with no success.
I realize that his medication has created alot of these problems but to me the big problem is him not recognizing how big of a whole this has left in my life. When I have tried to talk to him about it he has gotten a little defensive - he said that I would feel differently if it was me with the Crohns instead of him. Then I end up feeling guilty.
Is it wrong for me to expect his physical touch? It doesnt' even have to end in ML but is expecting more than a peck on the lips at night wrong? Is it wrong to expect him to hold me ever?
Most of the time I try not to think about all of it but it has really bothered me this week.
He actually rolled up against me this morning and wanted to ML but he wanted anal sex - I did not - it is (sorry for the TMI) my TOM and I didn't want the added pain in that area!
It seems that the only sex we have now is anal sex - he seems to be able to have a "better" erection that way but it is not the kind of sex I want.
I want the gourmet kind of sex that includes foreplay. I want him to look at me with desire in his eyes. I want him to hold me.
I end up feeling like a child crying for the moon. I know that the medication he takes is in a large part responsible for our sexual problems now. Other than the white elephant sex problem our marriage is good. We get along great for the most part.
I just want my husband back. I want foreplay in my marriage - I want him to act like my lover - not my roommate.
I have tried to accept that this is just the way it is but what I want is intimacy to return to our marriage. I want him to make love to me - not bang me. It is like he is rushing everytime because he fears his erection is going to fail him but it ends up feeling like Sonic Sex instead of the Russian Tea Room kind of sex.
Is it too much to ask for him to slow down? Is it too much to expect him to cuddle with me? I don't even ask him anymore. I don't touch him anymore. I have pulled back from him phyically. I used to touch him constantly but it is disheartening when he brushes me away or when I make a reference to a sexual memory in the past and he acts like I said it was a nice sunset.
I feel like I am losing my mind. Am I putting too much emphasis on sex? Am I expecting too much?
I am going to call and get an appointment with a counselor in the morning. I can't take it anymore. I have begged him to read the book so that he could understand how this has effected me. When I have tried to discuss it with him he says he understands and that if I want to divorce him and get another lover he would understand. That enrages me like he can't even know. I don't want another husband - I want him to remember he is my husband.
I feel like he wears himself out so he doesn't have to have sex with me and face erectile problem. I know that must just kill him too but when he goes out and plays 27 holes of golf and doesn't make love to me I am ANNOYED.
Sorry to have rambled so much. I feel so frustrated today and sad to the core.
