Just caught up with your thread. Sounds like good things are happening.
I am glad that you caved and ML with H last Sat. And I mean that in the nicest way as I was hoping you would start down the same path that I chose. I know there are folks that question ML with WAH but I agree with Michelle's article and say that it is a great way to reconnect when words may not be adequate.
My H and I don't text (I never tried it so I dropped it) but he started suggestive emails back and forth from work. This is a guy who doesn't email or call from work and some of this get pretty steamy! So I say - play it out and have fun! Text him about Sat with "IT was great for me - let's do IT again sometime" and see what his response is.
It might lead to you being able to loosen up on some of the boundaries. My H and I had a late-night thing going for several months after the kids went to bed. He went home afterwards every time too.
Then he started coming earlier and helping get them to bed. Then he started coming over after dinner, then for dinner, then brought his laundry, etc. This took over 7 months and felt like forever but it was the right pace for us.
Had I listened to well-intentioned friends (not here on the BB but real live bodies) I wouldn't have let him be around so much. But when he was here he could see that the changes I made were for real - and I could more easily live them and not just ACT them.
His comfort level grew and I think he could see "our" future again. And now look at us.
You too can do this. Slow (very slow) and steady wins the race right?
Keep on doing what works - and I'm sure that things will work out for you.
And BTW, you commented that when there isn't an OW it is easier for things to work out - but my H had an EA and told her he wasn't interested in a PA - I think our active ML had a lot to do with that - but that is just my opinion of course.
You are doing great!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
I agree with totite on the ML issue. My H and I started our reconnection through Ml and I chose to maintain that connection and things went great with us when suddenly H backed off again and went into full gear with OW. I dunno what exactly happened but at least I know tht things can go well between us, we can improve our M and be happy if not for OW. SO I know in my heart that I am not the issue here, its him.
I think you're doing great. Take care...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Another thing that I think made H say mmmmmmmmmmm is when he was asleep Sunday morning his cell phone rang. It was about 6am. He answered itand had about a 1 mon. convo.. I never flinched or asked who it was. I kinda had a feeling it was his bike riding buddy, but never asked. Yeah for me!
Hi Nitaf, It's really looking like you are making progress in your situation! That is great!! I can definitely identify with you in a lot of the same "areas".
I had a very big struggle, at first, with thinking I needed to make my H leave. I thought that I would not be able to tolerate seeing him every day knowing what was continuing to go on. But, in the end .. because of financial constraints, our living arrangements remained status quo. My H was (initially) working on a job in another state ... so he would be gone for 2-3 weeks at a time. THAT gave me "breathing room", gave me time to plan my "strategies" and also time to work on me...so once my H was home for good, I had made a lot of changes within myself. He didn't acknowledge too much as far as "noticing" changes in me. That took a little time, but little by little he began peaking out and commenting on different things. This was gradual AND just this past June, I was in disbelief, because he is "appearing" like he has come totally around (for the most part...). I am still very wary and watching what will transpire. I just thought I would mention what our living situation was during the very traumatic time in my life, because I think I remember reading in your thread your laments on thinking you should not have made your H go. I think that in each and every one of our own situations you have to go by your "gut" feelings and do what you have to do at the time. I'm thinking that because of your strength in getting your H out, that you are getting respect and (finally) some positive responses from your H!
You mentioned trying to talk to your H about some of the sore spots (things that he gets upset about) with you. I am wondering if it might not be a good thing to wait on this? I am not absolutely sure where you are in the dynamics of your R with your H right now, but in my experience I found that I should not try to initiate any "heavy" dialogue with my H...while he was in OW fog/MLC crisis or whatever! Even if he should initiate "heavy" R talks or conversations about anything, I'm thinking that your goal at this time would be to respond appropriately (affirm him!) and don't add any twists and turns to the talks by disagreeing or trying to change his mind.
These are just a few of my thoughts. Of course you are having successes and finding what is working for you. Great for you! Keep On Keeping On ....
Hi nitaf, I have to say I think TC gave you some really good advice/info here...I also have to say that from my experience ml is a good thing....it helps build a bond, and strengthend the ones that are still there under the surface...of course, as the others have said, every sitch is different, the thing to do is to "try it" and observe the results....... Looks to me like you are starting to get a lot of VERY positive results!!!! Deb
A sore spot with H and I use to be that he felt I did not let him parent our son without correcting him(H). I stopped interferring, unless it is absolutely necessary and a detriment to S health. When is that ever likely?
Yesterday S and H were having a disagreemnt. I stayed out of it. When H left he called me and said, do you think I am being to hard on S? I said, cane we talk later because S is right here. He said, ok. I fell asleep. I text H this morning that I fell asleep and we will discuss S today.
It is so ironic the the 1 thing that pissed him off the most(jumping in when he tries to discipline S) he now wants advice on. He notices that I don't interfere so now he values my opinion because it is not being pushed on him.
FIL said that he and MIl decided that H has until 7/31 to move out. FIl said, they feel they have been too much of a crutch and inadvertently caused more problems by being a place where H could escape from his M. FIL said 30 days turned into 7 months and he is not happy with H not being with family so he must get out on his own.
I wonder how this will effect H?
H hasn't said what his plans are yet , as far as where he will go.
