Why Schnarch may not work for us

[NotATLDave]

I don't have enough info to help you. I very sorry.

Anyway - any rephrasing would be appreciated

There is no gender-specific stuff in that quote. Also, my question to you would be..."what do you really want?"

I'll actually write it

I hope you are not saying that you will write it in a note to him...are you? Writing notes like this to your spouse is the worst things you can ever do and it reflects poorly on your esteem. As you become more differentiated, you will learn how to hold onto yourself, and calmly assert what you need without worrying what his response will be. It's an exercise for yourself. He might not respond at all. But you owe it to yourself to try. The LD/ND issue in your marriage gives you "material" to fix these issues with yourself because you will find that you will love yourself much more when you exercise these assertions. You will inadvertently limit your spouses options as you stand your ground.

I sometimes feel relieved

This is a indication of fusion. Scharch talks about young adults who purposely move away from their parents to avoid being "controlled". Well, that's because of a "fused" relationship between parent and child. The parent's differentiation has a huge affect on a child's ability to differentiate.