I don't think you can resolve those feelings for her, do you?
And if you can't, then why not proceed with creating a better marriage?
Are there things that you do to cause her to hold on to the hurt that she feels over the A? If so, knock it off. If not, then resolve it WITH HER as you move forward creating a better marriage.
I know it sounds trite but that is my answer.
Here is another way to look at it: Tim47 has a wife who was convinced that menopause was the reason that they could not work on their M. Turns out it was a non-issue.
NOT that an A is a nonissue, I'd say it's a doozy personally, but rather that there IS no situation which is so bad that it prevents work on the relationship, or yourself for that matter.
For example, my H was not sure that he had made the right decision to marry (as opposed to becoming a priest). It was a little late for that revelation but he pulled away from me severely nonetheless. Now I could have just given up and taken my 2 kids and left him to pursue the religious life. But I didn't. I PM'd the hell out of him and faced with some SERIOUS decisions to make, it became crystal clear to him that he did not want the religious life. (it took me a while to really believe and internalize this, btw, but I have) While I was still there, accepting crap from him, it allowed him to continue to waffle and wonder and ponder, all the while being a turd of a husband.
Now, having said that, to what degree has she dealt with the affair? Is it a common topic of conversation in your house? To what degree have YOU dealt with the affair?
Cause I can tell you this: I was not blameless in the above situation. When H started growing closer (and closer) to his faith, I was awful about it. I insulted him, I tried to prevent him from going to church, I argued theology with him til the cows came home..anything I could to discredit his feelings. All the while thinking that I would push him BACK to me with this insane behavior. Ha. When I stopped playing my part I began to really see the damage and how much I had pushed him closer to his obssession. By backing off and allowing him to be himself, and yet all the while asserting what I wanted in the marriage if things were to continue as they were, we started to make some progress.
Best of luck to you. Oh and one more thing, I can't remember specifically but I think there was a couple in PM who were dealing with one partners' infidelity..? Keep reading and you may find it. Not sure though; Schnarch has a similar book called Resurrecting Sex and the two books mesh together in my head, as they are the same principles with different couples relating their stories.
