SD, I think your confusion is around what differentiation is actually all about.
Quote: I have reduced my loving behaviour at great emotional cost to myself and have self-soothed through it. She is being "pestered" less which is what she wants. I am making disclosures ("pressure") that I want us to develop a passionate marriage in which we participate equally but this works against her reflected sense of self and makes her feel uncomfortable so must be eliminated.
The reality is, things WILL get worse before they get better. Change IS uncomfortable. If your W is "getting comfortable" with your disclosures to the point where she can "dismiss them as immature and ridiculous", then you need to turn UP the pressure, not eliminate it. It means she's not "getting the message", and perhaps your disclosures are weak, or phrased without any real conviction. The message you want her to get is that you are NOT going to live like this anymore, and that means either you BOTH have to change the way you relate to each other, or you can't promise how much longer you'll keep trying. You need to let her know that you will not be nagging her about it, but you will also not be accepting the status quo, either. She needs to feel off-balance, like she doesn't know what to expect from you any more. THEN, you need to go ahead and CHANGE something about yourself.
Quote: I then roll over and self-soothe leaving her untouched.
No. Wrong approach. That's letting her off the hook. You need to press the point, so she IS uncomfortable. SHE needs to spend a sleepless night or two, wondering what's happened to her nice, predictable husband. Then she might be motivated to change something. At the moment, she knows what will happen if she pushes a certain button. Make something different happen in response to that button. Or nothing at all. Disconnect all the buttons so she no longer feels like she can predict you.
But realize going in that things are going to get "very interesting" for a while. She will NOT be pleased. So what? Let her be un-pleased. That's not YOUR problem. As long as you are being true to yourSELF, you're doing what you should...
