Wow! Leave the board for five weeks and all the names have changed. Beware, this is long.
Just want to let my friends know that I'm doing well and while there has been a lot of activity in my sitch, nothing much has changed--except in my outlook. Getting away from the BB also was very beneficial in keeping me focussed on myself and my issues at a time I needed it.
After a year of DBing and trying all sorts of approaches, I thought it was time to time to set a new set of goals for myself and a new outlook. My conversion has played a huge role in this, but this is a good thing.
First and foremost, I've decided that my marriage is secondary to my relationship with God and that my marriage is a fulfillment of that primary relationship and not the other way around. Second, the legal reality facing most men with stay-at-home Live-In WAWs is that if they leave the home, they will lose whatever remaining semblence of a normal family that remains and further undermine whatever little rights fathers possess in a marital break-up. Thus, while I cannot keep my wife in the marriage and desire more closeness, that's not possible and I have to accept and redefine my life as one with a W, but no marital R--even if we live in the same house. Within this, I realize that I can do a lot to maintain as much of a normal loving life for my kids while avoiding having parents apart as a defining identifier of their childhood. A fully loving home with perfect harmony it is not--but a stable one yes.
I also reached a point where some DBing efforts had become too manipulative in my life and detracted from my genuineness and ability to be true to myself. This does not mean that DBing principles go out the window and that you purposefully make foolish strategic decisions in interactions with your spouse, but that when you make a 180, you ultimately have to be comfortable with it in order for it to have its best impact. More precisely, there's a meaningful difference between trying something new and unnatural and doing something that simply strikes you as dishonest. There's a fine line here, but I'll bet a lot of you know what I mean.
So with this backdrop, I did the following things this past month. I reached out to OM's family to bring his interaction with my W into more open light. I also spoke to OM and let him know I realized my W is a big girl and is free to make her own choices. While OM implicitly acknowledged a deep EA (denied PA) and expressed his regrets for it, I stressed that his ongoing contact with my W would be viewed as a direct attack on my family that I would not keep hidden from more public display (he's in politics) and that he could further expect his prior acts and ongoing contact to be a central factor in any divorce proceedings and open to public view. I don't know if this will have any impact, but simply wanted him to know any R with my W comes with more baggage than he might imagine. He can make his choices from there. But most important, that call was about three weeks ago and was cathartic for me--it enabled me to move forward feeling that I had calmly and rationally tried to address an issue that was plaguing me. To be honest, however, I fully expect my W to fall into another EA/A as she seeks affirmation for her decision to breakup the M--and ultimately gets that from another man. So be it; I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Next, with urging from JinBrooklyn. I told my wife she was free to make whatever decisions she wanted, but that I loved her and hoped that we could reconcile. Not unsurprisingly, this set off a semi-psychotic negative reaction that led to some of our worst interactions in weeks. However, given the dead state of R right now and JinB's belief that deep down, W actually wants to hear these words, I don't think it was a bad move and I don't have to say it any more.
On the legal front, four weeks ago, W dipped into our savings for funds to pay her lawyer for an anticipated D filing, but interestingly, that has not occurred and no additional payments have been made to her L.
I think she's just building up the courage/hate? to file. I don't like making W feel that she is trapped, but I also made it clear to her that if she files for divorce, I will defend myself (remember--NY is a "fault" state) and spend whatever it takes. The thought of a legal battle really gets me down, but it is also the only way I can preserve my legal rights and financial viability--especially concerning my R with the kids. My wife is free to negotiate a more reasonable separation, but to date, her lawyer has taken a hard line. Moreover, as a prospective Catholic, a D may be the end of the line for me in terms of future physical R's, so this is truly the last stand for me.
So right now, I have a minimal R with my W and as always, she tries to lure me into R discussions and disputes to feed her anger. My greatest DB failure has been to eventually take the bait--but no more. With kids, this can be very hard in that child-rearing differences can easily become the platform for a fight. So this is the one area where I'm trying to develop new appraoches. On the scary side, however, W is pressing our fights in front of the kids and I'm getting the first indications of her bad-mouthing me with them while I am not there. I'll try to keep my pulse on this one.
Apart from that,I'm doing things I like, spending a great deal of time with my kids, and hanging out with some fellow NY DBers when I have the chance. Not unexpectedly, physical desires have taunted my mind---but I realize the pleasures are ephemeral and giving in is a pathway to bad results both spiritually and legally.
But most important, while I don't like to be a preacher and I don't want to offend any non-Christians, for those of you who are Christians and have lost their way from the Church, seek it out again. Through my conversion process I have learned some much about the gifts we have been given from God, with thje most important among them the gift of faith. Studying the Gospels and the Bible has revealed so much about life to me and lessons for today that I cannot help but believe that they are Divine. Without question, God has carried me through these difficult times with more dignity and self-respect than I could have gathered on my own. And He will carry me through regardless of what happens to my marriage--so long as I keep my faith. I'll try to check in with some of you folks later this week, but may also take another hiatus. Be good.
